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SethInMI

religious joke of the day

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After finishing his sermon, the preacher announced that a member of the congregation would play the piccolo for everyone. After the piccolo player played for a few minutes, someone yelled out, "The piccolo player's a motherfucker!". The preacher jumped up and said, "Stop the music! ..Will the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker please stand up!" No one stands. After a few seconds he says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker please stand up!" Again, no one stands. Then the preacher says, "Will the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker please stand up!" Again, no joy. Finally, a fellow stands. "Now we're getting somewhere!" says the preacher. "Are you the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker?". "No, I'm not" says the fellow. "Are you the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker?". "Nope!" was the answer. "Then are you the person who is sitting next to the person who is sitting next to the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker?" "Un-uh!". "Then WTF are you standing for?", asked the preacher in frustration. "Well, I'm not the person who called the piccolo player a motherfucker, or the person sitting next to him, or the person sitting next to him. What I want to know is who called that motherfucker a piccolo player!"

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Jesus an Moses are playing golf. They get to the 7 th hole which has a water hazard. Jesus takes out a 5 iron and tees up. Moses says "you can't clear the water with a 5 iron", Jesus says "that's what Arnold Palmer would do". Jesus hits the ball right into the water. Moses says "I told you". Jesus says, "I need a little help finding my ball" Moses parts the water and Jesus walks out and picks up his ball. He tees up again with the 5 iron. Moses says "I told you last time you can't clear the water with that club. Jesus says, "that's what Arnold Palmer would do. He hits the ball into the water again. He asks Moses for a little help again, the water is parted and Jesus goes and picks up his ball again. Jesus tees up again with the 5 iron and Moses says "That's twice you hit the ball in the water with that club". Jesus says "that's what Arnold Palmer would do. Jesus hits the ball into the water again and Moses says, "you are on your own". Jesus walks out on top of the water and reaches down feeling around for his ball. All this delay is holding up the 4 some behind them. One of the golfers sees Jesus walking on the water, comes up to Moses and says "who does he think he is walking on water, Jesus Christ". Moses replies "no, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer.

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A man has a home that's under evacuation order due to an approaching hurricane. He says "I don't have to evacuate, God will protect me"

A few hours later with 4 inches of water on the ground, somebody pulls up in a car and offers him a ride. He declines, saying "It's OK, I will stay here, God will take care of me"

A few more hours pass and as the flood waters rise he's sitting on top of his car when somebody pulls up in a boat offering to take him to safety. He says "keep the space in your boat for others, God will look after me"

Several hours later he's on top of his roof as the waters continue to rise when a helicopter approaches trying to rescue him. Again, the man says "I need no rescue, I have faith that God will save me".

Ultimately the waters continue to rise until the man drowns. He arrives at the Pearly Gates and sees God and asks "My Lord, why didn't you save me???"

God responds "What are you talking about, I sent a car, I sent a boat, I sent a helicopter....."
I got nuthin

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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


-- Emo Philips
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.
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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"
Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

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Bungeezus

http://www.dropzone.com/photos/Detailed/Miscellaneous/Joke_127610.html

Pulled off FB. Can’t attach photos (even non-inline), so it’s a link.

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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I actually believe in God. Yeah yeah, most of you will give me crap about that, but I don't give a fuck. I guarantee you that there will come a moment when you do too. Whether that moment comes in the nick of time or an instant too late is your problem.

Anyway, here's a few that might make you snicker...

------

A bumper sticker I once saw-

Jesus is coming - Look busy!

-----

An oldie I remember from somewhere-

The scene is the parable where the folks are about to stone the hooker to death. Jesus walks up and says, "Ye who are without sin cast the first stone!" This old lady steps forward and beans the chick right in the head with a rock. Jesus turns to her and says, "Mom, you're missing the point."

-----

My own cynical joke-

The Rapture has already happened, but so few people went that nobody noticed.




Flame on...

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Quote

I actually believe in God. Yeah yeah, most of you will give me crap about that, but I don't give a fuck. I guarantee you that there will come a moment when you do too.




I won't give you crap about believing. But I am very amused by your belief that I will come to believe you are correct. How conceited of you.
Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

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gowlerk

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I actually believe in God. Yeah yeah, most of you will give me crap about that, but I don't give a fuck. I guarantee you that there will come a moment when you do too.




I won't give you crap about believing. But I am very amused by your belief that I will come to believe you are correct. How conceited of you.




And yet you have given me crap about it.

Jump a rig without an AAD. Don't deploy either parachute. You will go in. Is that my conceited belief? Nah, just reality. I get that you don't believe me, and I don't expect to convince you. But you might as well be trying to convince me that my neighbors don't exist because you haven't met them. Rest assured, there are others who live on my street.

Back to the jokes...

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>I actually believe in God. Yeah yeah, most of you will give me crap about that . . .

Nope. No problem about that.

>I guarantee you that there will come a moment when you do too.

That's the problem.

Imagine some guy came up to you in the street and said "I believe in Allah. And I guarantee that if you ever educate yourself, you will too."

Would you take any issue with that? If so, why?

>Jump a rig without an AAD. Don't deploy either parachute. You will go in. Is that my conceited
>belief? Nah, just reality.

More like - "if you jump a Racer, you'll die. That's not my opinion, that's reality." No, it's not. You just really dislike Racers.

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And yet you have given me crap about it.



Nope. I make it a point not to ridicule or belittle anyone's beliefs in whatever deity they choose. We all have to believe something. I only object to the way people use their beliefs to justify mistreating or forcing others.

I also have absolutely no problem jumping without an AAD. Although I do now have one in my main rig. Your conceited belief is that I will eventually come to believe as you do. The conceit in that is you are stating that you are right and I am wrong. And that one day I will see my error.
Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

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billvon


Imagine some guy came up to you in the street and said "I believe in Allah. And I guarantee that if you ever educate yourself, you will too."

Would you take any issue with that? If so, why?


I certainly would not take issue with that. I've had that conversation with a dearly loved family member. I believe he is wrong, and he believes I am wrong. I mourn for his sake, but why would it bother me that he thinks my faith is a lie? I'm concerned with gods opinion, not that of a Muslim.

Here's an old joke I heard (from a Lutheran):
Why will Lutherans get to heaven before Calvinists? Because at the rapture, the dead in Christ will rise first. (Thes 4:16).
Max Peck
What's the point of having top secret code names, fellas, if we ain't gonna use 'em?

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A chap steps into the street without paying attention and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.

A mans says "I'm Saint Peter. Welcome to Heaven!"

The fellow says "this is wonderful, but I am a muslim and hope to meet Muhammad."

"Sure thing! Go through the gates, into that door and you'll be all set."

After going through the door he meets a man who says "Hi, I'm Moses. Welcome to Heaven!"

The fellow says "I am pleased to meet you, but I want to find Muhammad."

"No problem. Just go down that hall and through the door at the end."

Through the door he finds someone who says "I'm God. Welcome to Heaven!"

"I am honored, but I was told that I would find Muhammad here."

"Certainly! Say, do you like coffee?"

"Why yes, I love coffee."

"Muhammad! Two coffees!"

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gowlerk

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And yet you have given me crap about it.



Nope. I make it a point not to ridicule or belittle anyone's beliefs in whatever deity they choose. We all have to believe something. I only object to the way people use their beliefs to justify mistreating or forcing others.

I also have absolutely no problem jumping without an AAD. Although I do now have one in my main rig. Your conceited belief is that I will eventually come to believe as you do. The conceit in that is you are stating that you are right and I am wrong. And that one day I will see my error.



it is hard to take religion seriously, beyond such works as result from one particular system of delusion or another. This is to say that one need not accept Ra in order to appreciate the odd pyramid.

It is a trivial exercise to note that, given 100 mutually exclusive tenets (where a maximum of one can be true), the greatest likelihood is that they are all equally false. The great deal of commonality born of reliance upon the Bronze Age family lore of a big, dysfunctional family fosters the false impression that the 'truth' must take a form similar to the perceived reality of isolated desert dwellers who really didn't get out much.

Since religion is, by definition, a communicable form of mental illness, one should be polite to those afflicted with a belief system for precisely the same reason one should be nice to an escapee from a mental institution who is holding a chain saw. While some isms are fundamentally more pathological than others, as Hitchens noted, the problem with fundamentalists is the fundamentals.

When people adhere to patent nonsense, their reasons are emotional rather than intellectual, though a veneer of intellectualism may mask the atavistic nature of one belief system or another. Said intellectualism is typically subject to Poe's law.

Thus, the reasons one should be polite regarding religious delusions are that failing to do so is both pointless and all too often incites True Believers (tm) to Ultra Violence.


BSBD,

Winsor

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Then I have work to do.
Or fun, if you will.

Man walks up to a priest. The man says “I am Jesus Christ.”
The priest says “No you are not my son.”
The man says "Follow me."
The man walks into the bar and the bartender says “Jesus Christ you're back!”

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An engineer died and went to hell.

A week later the phone rang. "Hi, this is God. I understand you have an engineer there."

"You bet! Our HVAC is working for the first time in ages, and we have bids out for infrastructure upgrades."

"Well I'm afraid there's been a mistake, he was supposed to come here. I'd appreciate it if you'd send him up."

"No way, we have too much going on to lose him."

"Look, if you don't send him up I'm going to have to sue you."

"Right - where are you going to find a lawyer?"

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winsor



Since religion is, by definition, a communicable form of mental illness, one should be polite to those afflicted with a belief system for precisely the same reason one should be nice to an escapee from a mental institution who is holding a chain saw. While some isms are fundamentally more pathological than others, as Hitchens noted, the problem with fundamentalists is the fundamentals.

When people adhere to patent nonsense, their reasons are emotional rather than intellectual, though a veneer of intellectualism may mask the atavistic nature of one belief system or another. Said intellectualism is typically subject to Poe's law.

Thus, the reasons one should be polite regarding religious delusions are that failing to do so is both pointless and all too often incites True Believers (tm) to Ultra Violence.


BSBD,

Winsor



Holy Christ, what a load of pretentious bullshit. I bet the people here just let you ramble on like some once respected college professor that now scours the campus for empty bottles. . .

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motionscribe

***

Since religion is, by definition, a communicable form of mental illness, one should be polite to those afflicted with a belief system for precisely the same reason one should be nice to an escapee from a mental institution who is holding a chain saw. While some isms are fundamentally more pathological than others, as Hitchens noted, the problem with fundamentalists is the fundamentals.

When people adhere to patent nonsense, their reasons are emotional rather than intellectual, though a veneer of intellectualism may mask the atavistic nature of one belief system or another. Said intellectualism is typically subject to Poe's law.

Thus, the reasons one should be polite regarding religious delusions are that failing to do so is both pointless and all too often incites True Believers (tm) to Ultra Violence.


BSBD,

Winsor



Holy Christ, what a load of pretentious bullshit. I bet the people here just let you ramble on like some once respected college professor that now scours the campus for empty bottles. . .

Yeah, I guess I'd have a real hard time coming up with examples of large numbers of people performing ghastly atrocities in the name of their 'peaceful' religion, or even unspeakable horrors recommended by someone's invisible friend.

You sure put me in my place.

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