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SethInMI

religious joke of the day

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I was going to post this in bonfire joke thread, but rules are rules...

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Whenever I am in trouble, I think "what would Jesus do?" Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

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Revival was going great and the tent was rocking. Members of congregation were canvassing the neighborhood bringing in new souls as fast as they could go. Even the local hooker was talked into coming inside. A bit later a fellow was leaving a nearby bar and stumbled by the tent. He was brought inside and was given a seat in one of the folding chairs. As the revival reached a fever pitch, the hooker stood up, threw her hands into the air and cried, "Yesterday I was in the clutches of the Devil, but tonight I'm in the arms of the Lord !!" The drunk jumped up and yelled, "So, what are you doing tomorrow !?"

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“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

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Ya, I found that one doing a quick google search as well.

One of my favorites is from Sam Kinison.

I'll paraphrase, editing it for accuracy and foul language:

. . .that's why Jesus wasn't married, because no wife would buy the resurrection story, right? He just takes off on a Thursday night to some party with 12 of his buddies. She doesn’t hear from him again ’til Sunday. He comes in the house, she’s going, "and where have you been for three days, Mister Winemaker?" Jesus is going, “No, no, I’ll tell ya. I’ll tell ya where i’ve been. First of all, not that it’s important, but I was DEAD! I'm in a damn grave outside of town, I’m fighting death, Hell, decomposure. I’m changing spiritual form about to come into the Kingdom of God and I go, ‘wait a second, I better go back because she doesn’t know where I’ve been!'"

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Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”

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normiss

Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”



But no hole in one. . .

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normiss

Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”



How was your game on the back nine?

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headoverheels

***Life kills us all.
Everyone dies, not everyone LIVES.

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are in the maternity ward.
The Baptist says, “One more son and I have a basketball team.” The Catholic says, “That’s nothing, one more kid and I have a baseball team.”
The Mormon guy says, “That’s nothing, one more wife and I have a golf course.”



How was your game on the back nine?

Shitty

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A priest, an imam and a rabbi were discussing how they divide up the collection between God's needs and their needs.

The priest says: "Well, I put the collection on a tray, and then throw it all up in the air. What lands on the try is for God, and the rest is for me."

The imam says: "I have a very similar method. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what I can catch I keep, and the rest is for God."

The rabbi says: "I also have a similar approach. I take the collection and throw it up in the air; what God catches is for Him, and the rest is for me."
"If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
David Brent

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