JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[oldwomanc6 38]

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then the Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

oldwomanc6

One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then the Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

Always be kinder than you feel.

[turtlespeed 212]

LuckyMcSwervy

***One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then the Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

Jokes are funny because they are based on fact.

So here ya go . . .

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

turtlespeed

******One afternoon a little girl returned from school and announced that her friend had told her where babies come from.
Amused, her mother replied: "Really, sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained: "Well ... OK ... the Mummy and Daddy take off all of their clothes, and the Daddy's thingee sort of stands up, and then the Mummy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies".

Her mum shook her head, leaned over to meet her, eye to eye and said, "Oh, Darling, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

Jokes are funny because they are based on fact.

I think this particular joke could be construed as fact by some.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[ryoder 1,384]

He: Tonight let's use the whip.

She: No, not the whip!

He: Yes, the whip!

She: No, anything but the whip!

He: Anything?

She: The whip!

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[decompresion 2]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes, ma'am.

My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.

What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f+++ with Mommy when she's been drinking."

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[turtlespeed 212]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."




A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"



and this . . .

Oh My!

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[davjohns 1]

WORLD ECONOMY EXPLAINED WITH TWO COWS............

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[BIGUN 1,053]

Enjoyed it so much that as I finished reading it - thought about adding a "Redneck Corporation." THought maybe someone had already done it as I Googled the term... and the joke is on me. Legalzoom comes up with "Incorporate in Oklahoma." See image.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[davjohns 1]

One day, a very gentle Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge,
she noticed a young man fixin ("fixin" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action) to jump...

She stopped her car, rolled down the window, and said, "Please don't jump! Think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart ...just go ahead and jump, you little Yankee Democrat Bastard!''

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[SCS292 1]

davjohns

She said, "Well, then you just remember the Alamo."

He replied, ''What's the Alamo?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart ...just go ahead and jump, you little Yankee Democrat Bastard!''

If only.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

[turtlespeed 212]

npgraphicdesign

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I'm not sure what you mean there.

Are you implying that your mouth is watering after viewing the photo?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[npgraphicdesign 2]

turtlespeed

***Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I'm not sure what you mean there.

Are you implying that your mouth is watering after viewing the photo?




No you stupid amphibian. I simply clicked the nearest reply button!!!

[turtlespeed 212]

npgraphicdesign

******Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I'm not sure what you mean there.

Are you implying that your mouth is watering after viewing the photo?




No you stupid amphibian. I simply clicked the nearest reply button!!!

OK. So what wee you replying to then.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[ryoder 1,384]

Did you hear about the girl who always smoked after sex?

http://25.media.tumblr.com/c759baad593af03def1d24df09eb8391/tumblr_mzz9kibSwD1qz6f9yo1_1280.jpg

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[JohnMitchell 14]

Yoiung Muslim boy goes to the mall with his burka wearing mom. Within a few minutes he gets separated from her and breaks down crying.

A security guard comes along and says "Don't worry, son. We'll find your mom. What does she look like?"

Then the kid starts crying twice as hard and says "I have no fucking idea!"

[BIGUN 1,053]

Q: What's Peyton Mannings favorite TV show?

A: Duck Dynasty

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

Two Montana rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is!"

The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down
there, Listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over
there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it
in the hole. They are standing there listening, looking over the edge,

When they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering Into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

JerryBaumchen

[davjohns 1]

A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a trans-continental train...

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! that's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "get your own fucking blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

Copper Wire & Communication

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
...
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 100 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet this morning in his backyard
in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all.
Knackers has therefore concluded that "250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence.

As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought: "Well that was a little condescending..."

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[Divalent 89]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

[BIGUN 1,053]

List of one-liners...

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

Dry erase boards are remarkable.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

So, this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

A buddy recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[wmw999 2,122]

You, go to your room!

And to add:
Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess: "What is your name?"
Hostess: "Angela Benz, Sir!"
Passenger: "Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?"
Hostess: “Yes Sir, Same price".

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)