JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[format 0]

wmw999

You, go to your room!

And to add:
Passenger in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess: "What is your name?"
Hostess: "Angela Benz, Sir!"
Passenger: "Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz?"
Hostess: “Yes Sir, Same price".

Great Intro Laugh

An eagle got really drunk. Upon leaving the bar, he stopped while streching wings and checking the sky.....
"Nuh.. I'll walk home."

[ryoder 1,381]

Bob received a text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In
fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I
can no longer live with the guilt. I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[turtlespeed 212]

ryoder

Bob received a text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I
have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In
fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I
can no longer live with the guilt. I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

yeah - well - its probably better that way anyway.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[oldwomanc6 38]

A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer.

The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".

So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "It's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item; a small mirror.

She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.

"I didn't realize you were a cop".

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[mjosparky 3]

oldwomanc6

A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer.

The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".

So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "It's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item; a small mirror.

She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.

"I didn't realize you were a cop".

I think I used to date the Cop.

Sparky

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[turtlespeed 212]

mjosparky

***A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer.

The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".

So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "It's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item; a small mirror.

She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.

"I didn't realize you were a cop".

I think I used to date the Cop.

Sparky

I think we all did.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[oldwomanc6 38]

Define "all."

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[turtlespeed 212]

oldwomanc6

Define "all."

Don't be acting all shy and innocent . . . NOW.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[davjohns 1]

Lisa and I never dated.




It was just a one time thing...and we said no strings. Why doesn't anybody get that?

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[turtlespeed 212]

davjohns

Lisa and I never dated.




It was just a one time thing...and we said no strings. Why doesn't anybody get that?

Once is dating.

Ask any stalker.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[decompresion 2]

A dorky guy is sitting at the bar looking at his drink when a big biker type come in, grabs his drink and downs it. He says "You got something to say?"
The dorky guy starts crying:
"This is the worst day of my life! My wife left me, my dog got run over, my test results came positive for Hep-A, my car got stolen with my wallet and my bank is repossessing my assets. So I came in here and just watched my poison pill dissolve in my drink when you came in and stole it. How is your day going?"

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[raftman 12]

Yes, once is dating.
My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not my girlfriend....................YET!

[mjosparky 3]

"A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Sparky

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[oldwomanc6 38]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[mjosparky 3]

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Sparky

My idea of a fair fight is clubbing baby seals

[ryoder 1,381]

http://imgur.com/gallery/iRSmRCg

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[muff528 3]

WTF! ...No grits!?

[BillyVance 34]

muff528

WTF! ...No grits!?

exactly! Damn Europeans... Have no idea.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

muff528

WTF! ...No grits!?

And only one egg?

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[BillyVance 34]

wolfriverjoe

***WTF! ...No grits!?

And only one egg?

I know! Gotta have 2 or 3 at least!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[muff528 3]

BillyVance

******WTF! ...No grits!?

And only one egg?

I know! Gotta have 2 or 3 at least!

In all seriousness, if they added an egg or two and some grits, I could get by with 3/4, or maybe half, that amount of bacon.

[format 0]

Guy gets pulled over. Cop comes over and asks:
- Sir, have you been drinking?
- Nah, not at all! (a clearly drunk guy)

Without any alcohol testers, cop is reaching for confession:
- OK Sir, when you see two headlights in the night - what's that?
- Well.. that's a car
- Yes but is it a Chrysler, a Chevy or a Mercedes? You see? Admit that you're drunk!
- Nooo I'mm not
- OK, when you see one headlight - what's that?
- Mmmm it's a motorcycle I guesss
- Yeah but is it a Honda or a Harvey? Come on, admit it you're drunk!

- Lemmy ask you somethimg.. You see a woman stamding on a corner, short skirt, high heels... whas that?
- Well that's easy, it's a hooker!
- Yeaaaahh but is it your sister or your wife?

What goes around, comes later.

[ianyapxw 0]

Third time's the charm

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi Keith,

And one more:

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."

JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,049]

Good one, Jerry.

Pavlov went into a bar to have a drink.

Just as he took a sip; his cell phone rang.

He jumped up and said, "I forgot to feed the dogs."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.