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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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After stumbling upon a lamp in his cellar, an old man tries to clean it and is astonished when a genie appears and grants him one wish. The pensioner thinks hard, then unselfishly decides that peace in the Middle East would help humanity more than any petty personal gain.

"Hmmm," says the genie, "I think that's beyond even my powers. It's a conflict as old as time itself, with intractable religious, social and economical issues involved. Could you please choose again?"

The old man thinks for a moment and then asks if just once, possibly, he could receive a blow job from his wife.

The genie looks at him coldly. "Okay," he says, "when you say the word peace, do you mean...."
Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

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rifleman

After stumbling upon a lamp in his cellar, an old man tries to clean it and is astonished when a genie appears and grants him one wish. The pensioner thinks hard, then unselfishly decides that peace in the Middle East would help humanity more than any petty personal gain.

"Hmmm," says the genie, "I think that's beyond even my powers. It's a conflict as old as time itself, with intractable religious, social and economical issues involved. Could you please choose again?"

The old man thinks for a moment and then asks if just once, possibly, he could receive a blow job from his wife.

The genie looks at him coldly. "Okay," he says, "when you say the word peace, do you mean...."



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After stumbling upon a lamp in his cellar, an old man tries to clean it and is astonished when a genie appears and grants him one wish. The pensioner thinks hard, then unselfishly decides that a bridge across the Atlantic Ocean would help humanity more than any petty personal gain.

"Hmmm," says the genie, "I think that's beyond even my powers. It's an engineering nightmare, its a logistical nightmare, there are even socio-economic issues involved. Could you please choose again?"

The old man thinks for a moment and then asks if just once, possibly, he could understand how women think.

The genie looks at him coldly. "Okay," he says, "Would you like 4 lanes or 6"?
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Hi Jerry,

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?" The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that." But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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Hi BIGUN,

And here you go:

Two brothers walk into a pharmacy. One boy was four and the other eight.

They walk over and pick up a box of tampons and go to check out.

The pharmacist asks the oldest, "And just how old are you son?"

The boy replies, "I'm eight years old"

The pharmacist then proceeds to ask him if he knows what these tampons are for.

And the eight year old replies, "They're for my kid brother. I saw a commercial on tv and it said with these you can swim, bike, and even play tennis. He can't do any of that, so I thought I'd get them for him."


:P

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."


:P

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

An obstetrician was getting tired of the same old grind, so he decided to make a career change.

He had always been interested in motorcycles, so he thought he'd go to one of those motorcycle mechanic schools, and see what he could learn.

He enjoyed the classes, and did pretty well.

When it came time for the final exam; he felt pretty confident that he did okay.

When he saw his posted grade; he was shocked! He had received a grade of 150 on a scale of 0-100.

So he asked the instructors what he did to deserve such a high score.

"You got all of the questions on the written portion perfect." he was told. "It was the hands-on part of the test that earned you extra credit. You, of course, had to rebuild a 4 cylinder transverse engine. We have NEVER had anybody do it before by reaching up through the tailpipe!"


:P

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

And, of course, one more:

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


:P

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

And another one:

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rowed up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Harley??


:P

JerryBaumchen

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Aguy goes to the doctor as he has been feeling unwell for a few weeks. the doctor runs a few test and takes some blood and instructs him to come back in a couple weeks when he has the result.
2 weeks later he is back and the Doc has a grim face on him and says i have some bad news you have a terminal desease and only 6 months to live. they guy takes a deep breath and starts to ponder. the doc says sorry about the diagnosis and asked him how he is going to spend the last 6 months.
they guy thinks for a second then says he would move in with hhis mother in law. the doc is shocked and suprised to hear this as he know they havent got on in years. so he asked why would you move in with the mother in law?

he replies, because it will be the longest 6 months of my life!:P

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3 guys are up in court and get convicted for a crime by a jury, the judge realises that this might be a wrong verdict but the jury has spoken, so he sentenced each of them to 10 yrs in Jail.
however give the situation he says that each guy can bring 1 thing into his jail cell with them and they can have it for the suration of the sentance.
1st guy says i like 10 years supply of whiskey, that way i can stay drunk and wont feel the time going. the wish is granted and is looked up.
2nd guy says i like to bring a beautiful blonde with me, i can shag her several times a day and wont feel the time going by. its granted and then locked up.
3rd guy asks for 10 years supply of cigarettes so he can puff away during his time. judge reluctingly agrees and he gets locked up.
10 years go by and the judge is there when the cell door gets opened.
1st guy staggers out completley drunk, but is merry and singing.
2nd guy walks out with a big smile followed by the blonde and 5 kids, he thanks the judge and walks out with the blond and kids.
they come to the third guy, the cell door opens and the guy walks,completley frustrated with cigs every where and asks anyone got a light?>:(>:(>:(

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That reminds me of what a friend said. When he gets old, he's going to divorce his lovely wife and remarry his ex-wife, that way he can't wait to die. :D

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Snoring at Deer Camp

Four guys were all at a deer camp. They had two cabins, two men per cabin.

After the first night, no one wanted to room with Bob because he snored so​ ​badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The next night, Joe slept with Bob and came dragging to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,"Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Mike's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "That Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

Then it was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning! " he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened? How did you survive the snoring?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I patted Bob on the butt, tucked him into bed and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get really screwed!”

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Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.


:o

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN, And one more:

How to Identify Where a Driver is From:

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.


JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

:S

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

:o

JerryBaumchen

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JerryBaumchen

Hi BIGUN,

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened & the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

:o

JerryBaumchen



This was good! :)

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JerryBaumchen



The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee."

:S

JerryBaumchen



:D:D:D:D That's hilarious!
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Exchange between coastguard and boat in emergency:
“Mayday, mayday. Can you hear us? Can you hear us? We are sinking. We are sinking.”
“Hello. Zis is ze German coastguard.”
“We are sinking. We are sinking.”
“Vot are you sinking ABOUT?”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am.

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