JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[format 0]

In a middle of last night, my cell phone woke me with SMS: "you need firewood?"
WTF I was thinking, what a fool whoever that is. So I replied: "NO, I don't need firewood!"
This morning, after having a cup of coffee, I discovered that whole stack of firewood is gone from the yard.

What goes around, comes later.

[oldwomanc6 38]

Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

I told her that I had joined a Parachute Club ….

She said, are you nuts? You're 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card ….

She said to me, Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.

I'm in trouble again, I told her. I signed up for five jumps a week ….

She fainted ….

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun !!!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[wmw999 2,122]

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:
1.The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Bertt 0]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me a beer before the problems start."
Bartender hands him a beer and says, "You want to run a tab?"
Man chugs the beer and says, "Yeah, run a tab. How about giving me a tequila before the problems start."
Bartender gives him a tequila, man gulps it down and says, "I'll have a whiskey before the problems start."
This goes on for about ten drinks. The man gets up and heads for the door.
Bartender says, "Hey buddy, how about that tab?"
The man replies, "Now the problems start."

You don't have to outrun the bear.

[feuergnom 22]

so this 98 year old chap visits his doctor to tell him he just married a 28 year old women. doctor: "are you crazy? don't you realize, that sex with that age can be lethal?" old guy shrugs and says "Well if she dies I'll get myself another one"

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[davjohns 1]

An old man goes into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 96 years old. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls. I took them home and had crazy sex with them all night."

The Priest asks him if he regrets his sins? The old man says, "Not one bit."

The Priest asks, "What kind of Catholic are you that you don't regret your sins?"

The old man says, "Catholic? I'm Jewish!"

The Priest says, "Then why are you even telling me this?"

The old man says, "Telling you? I'm telling EVERYONE!"

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[BIGUN 1,053]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Two peanuts walk into a bar.

One was assaulted.


That's all I've got. I'll be here all week. Try the veal.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[davjohns 1]

An old man stops a young man at a mall and asks for help finding his wife.

The young man says, "Wow. I can't find my wife, either. We can search together. My wife is 24, is a swimsuit model, has long blonde hair, is wearing a halter top, high heels, and a mini-skirt. What about yours?"

The old man says, "Nevermind. Let's just look for yours."

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

This math sequence can predict your favorite film. Mine was A Bridge Too Far. I'm not sure how it works, but it does.

Pick a number between 1 and 9.
Multiply it by 3.
Add 3 to that number.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the two digits together.

Your film is:

2. The Shining
3. Oliver Twist
4. Forest Gump
5. Pulp Fiction
6. A Bridge Too Far
7. Star Wars
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With Oiled Up Lady Boys
10. Mary Poppins

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[davjohns 1]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.
Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto cat's neck, leaving head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch.
Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the darn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little ________'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room.
Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.


Read more: http://www.hanggliding.org/viewtopic.php?t=3957&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=3820#ixzz2lrERqO4q

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[BIGUN 1,053]

The Daily News published a story saying that one-half of Congress were crooks.

The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology.

The newspaper responded the next day with an apology and reported that one-half of Congress were not crooks.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JasonNC 0]

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. . The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

[Croc 0]

A young, inexperienced plumber shows up at the home of an elderly lady. The woman greets him at the door sternly. "Young man, I specifically told your supervisor to send the best plumber he had. You look pretty young to me."
Flustered, the plumber said, "Oh no, we made a terrible mistake! We thought you said to send the best looking plumber!"

"Here's a good specimen of my own wisdom. Something is so, except when it isn't so."

Charles Fort, commenting on the many contradictions of astronomy

[Gravitymaster 0]

Little boy goes out Trick or Treating. Walks up to first house and rings the doorbell. Lady comes to the door and says "Oh, what are you supposed to be?" "I'm a Pirate", says the little boy. "Where are your Buccaneers", the lady asks. "Underneath my Bucking Hat", says the little boy.

[BIGUN 1,053]

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[oldwomanc6 38]

Shot my first turkey, yesterday!

Scared the shit outa everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome! Getting old is so much fun!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[airtwardo 6]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife screams at him as his friend listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[SCS292 1]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender pours his drink and says that will be three bucks. The guy says sheepishly that he doesn't have any money but he can show the bartender something really cool and it might be worth a drink. The bartender slides the drink back away from the guy and says OK but it better be really good. The man opens his trench coat and takes out a miniature piano and sets in on the bar. He reaches back into his coat and brings out a little man who he also sets on the bar. The little man walks over to the piano and begins to play a tune. The bartender smiles and gives the drink to the man and asks where he got such an unusual thing. The man tells the bartender that he got it from the genie in a magic lamp. The bartender asks the man if he still has the lamp and sure enough he does. So the bartender tells the man he can have all the drinks he wants if he lets the bartender make a wish on the lamp. The man agrees but asks for the drinks first and the bartender pours up a line of drinks in front of the man. The man reaches back into his trench coat and brings out the magic lamp, puts it on the bar and tells the bartender the genie only grants one wish. The bartender eagerly rubs the lamp and makes his wish. All of a sudden ducks started flying in all the doors and windows and begin to fill the bar. The bartender angrily asks the man what the hell is going on, that he wished for a million bucks. The man tells him as he finishes his last drink, "Oh, I forgot to tell you that the genie is a little hard of hearing. You don't think anyone would wish for a 12" pianist do you?"

[PLFKING 3]

So......this dyslexic guy walks into a bra......


Don

"When in doubt I whip it out,
I got me a rock-and-roll band.
It's a free-for-all."

[Erroll 49]

BIGUN

The Daily News published a story saying that one-half of Congress were crooks.

The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology.

The newspaper responded the next day with an apology and reported that one-half of Congress were not crooks.

Just a little aside; this actually happened for real in the South African parliament many years ago.

Quote

One of the most versatile Afrikaans writers, he was a master of the short form of prose and is best remembered for his humorous and satirical works. Langenhoven was known for his sharp wit and gentle manner. Once, while a member of parliament, he yelled out in frustration: “Half of this parliament are donkeys!” The Speaker immediately demanded he retract his angry statement, so Langenhoven complied: “All right, Mister Speaker. Half of this parliament are not donkeys.”

Read more about C J Langenhoven here .

[OWB 8]

Why are violins smaller than viola's?
They're not, they just look smaller because violinists have such big heads.

( This is the short version)
A railroad employee was interviewing for a big promotion. The superintendant asked: "what would you do if you saw two trains approaching each other at a high rate of speed on a single track? "
The employee thought a minute then said; " I would go home and get my brother".
The super exploded; "why in hell would you do a thing like that?"
The man replied, "cause my brother ain't never seen a train wreck"

Don't worry about nuthin' cause nothin's gonna be okay.

[BIGUN 1,053]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BIGUN 1,053]

Ba'dump bump tish...

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[oldwomanc6 38]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9