Divalent

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Gear

  • Main Canopy Size
    188
  • Reserve Canopy Size
    190
  • AAD
    Cypres

Jump Profile

  • Home DZ
    the Farm
  • License
    C
  • License Number
    40494
  • Licensing Organization
    USPA
  • Number of Jumps
    598
  • Years in Sport
    9

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  1. A woman gets cheated by on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes,” she replies. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please.” The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.” The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”
  2. Where ever you end up, doing hop n pops are probably good for prepping for base jumping, and with the advantage that you will be back in the hanger 7-10 minutes before the rest of the load (so quicker turn around for you). If they are running just one plane, you will likely have the LZ to yourself, so a bit more freedom to target practice your landings.
  3. I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian’s. She didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it. I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push her stroller back home!
  4. A guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him. She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.” “Of course I do,” replies the guy. “Well then, what is it?” asks his wife. “Breakfast!”
  5. A woman asks a man, “Do you drink beer?” Man: Yeah. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00, including the tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Yeah, that's probably about right. Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: What color is your Ferrari?
  6. A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.” “Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized. “I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
  7. Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink. The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness? He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”
  8. A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a blow job." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the prostitute. When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions. The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a blow job?" And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same price as on the street."
  9. A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man, and then says, “Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.” The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?” The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”
  10. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
  11. I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
  12. When your wife gets a little upset, just remember: a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
  13. She was replying to that post made back in 2008 by user Albert18, and didn't actually add anything to it. You can find the original here:
  14. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  15. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?" She says, "Why does everyone ask me that?"