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  1. "And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
  2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  3. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
  4. My girlfriend is a porn star! (But she will kill me if she finds out.)
  5. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
  6. I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, though, because it wasn't mine.
  7. My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
  8. As our doctor was performing a simple medical procedure on my wife, he warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days." "Did you hear that?" she asked me. "No sex for three days." "I heard," I said. "But he was speaking to you."
  9. How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.
  10. I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford. ---------------------- That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
  11. My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  12. A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" "I … I … I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
  13. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75. Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
  14. Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bash the casket into the door frame. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the woman inside still alive! She leaps out and performs a little jig. Everyone is in shock, including her husband. She went on to live another ten years before eventually keeling over. Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers were carrying out the casket. As they are heading toward the door of the church, the husband of the deceased rushes forward and shouts, "WATCH THE DOOR FRAME!"
  15. Well, one factor is that base containers don't have a reserve that the jumper might deploy after a main mal and cutaway. So for BASE, no need to have an altitude buffer in the main deployment altitude to allow a reserve to subsequently be used. Whereas for skydiving, you do.