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Everything posted by Divalent

  1. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
  2. My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
  3. A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned. "Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."
  4. Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar late one night. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud guy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
  5. A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney says "He said...Go to hell! And you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
  6. A woman gets cheated by on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”. The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?” “Yes,” she replies. “Do you want another one?” “Sure, please.” The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?” The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.” The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”
  7. Where ever you end up, doing hop n pops are probably good for prepping for base jumping, and with the advantage that you will be back in the hanger 7-10 minutes before the rest of the load (so quicker turn around for you). If they are running just one plane, you will likely have the LZ to yourself, so a bit more freedom to target practice your landings.
  8. I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn’t like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian’s. She didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn’t. I drank it. I thought maybe she’d like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar’s finest scotch. She wouldn’t even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn’t like to drink, I was so drunk I could hardly push her stroller back home!
  9. A guy arrives home at seven o’clock in the morning, stinking of whiskey, to find his angry wife waiting for him. She shouts at him, “You’d better have a darn good reason for coming home at this time in the morning.” “Of course I do,” replies the guy. “Well then, what is it?” asks his wife. “Breakfast!”
  10. A woman asks a man, “Do you drink beer?” Man: Yeah. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3. Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00, including the tip. Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct? Man: Correct. Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Yeah, that's probably about right. Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No. Man: What color is your Ferrari?
  11. A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?” The priest replies, “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man.” “Well I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologized. “I’m sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
  12. Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink. The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The three CEOS then ask him, why aren’t you ordering a Guinness? He replies: “If you guys aren’t drinking beer than neither will I.”
  13. A freshly ordained young priest was walking to his newly assigned parish in the inner city. As he walked down the street, a prostitute stopped him and said, "Hey father, $20 for a blow job." The priest had never heard of such a thing and hurried away from the prostitute. When he arrived at the church he was greeted by the Mother Superior who showed him around the place and guided him to his room. Before she left the priest alone in his room, she asked if he had any questions. The young priest said, "I do have one question, Mother Superior, what is a blow job?" And the old nun says, "Twenty bucks, same price as on the street."
  14. A little old man who’s hard of hearing goes to see the doctor. As he can’t hear very well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor examines the man, and then says, “Hmm, I think we need to take a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample.” The old man turns to his wife and asks, “What did he say?” The wife replies, “He said he wants your underwear.”
  15. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
  16. I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
  17. When your wife gets a little upset, just remember: a simple “calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
  18. She was replying to that post made back in 2008 by user Albert18, and didn't actually add anything to it. You can find the original here:
  19. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
  20. On their wedding night, a groom asks his new bride, "Honey, am I your first?" She says, "Why does everyone ask me that?"
  21. Wife: "Where the *HELL* ARE YOU? You should have been home HOURS AGO!" Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, but I said, "Baby, it’ll be yours one day"? Wife (smiling and blushing): "Yeah, I remember that, my love!" Husband: "Well, I’m in the bar that's right next door to that place."
  22. My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
  23. A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office… "Doctor," she cries. "I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!" The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again…"
  24. I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
  25. Right side was cut away, but not the left.