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Everything posted by Divalent

  1. The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it is between 1 and 5 pm.
  2. Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal. “Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!” “Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Sunday.”
  3. I got a motorcycle for my wife last week. Best. Trade. Ever!
  4. If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ... ... try skydiving without a parachute.
  5. "And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."
  6. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  7. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
  8. My girlfriend is a porn star! (But she will kill me if she finds out.)
  9. My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.
  10. I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, though, because it wasn't mine.
  11. My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
  12. As our doctor was performing a simple medical procedure on my wife, he warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days." "Did you hear that?" she asked me. "No sex for three days." "I heard," I said. "But he was speaking to you."
  13. How come married women are heavier than single women? A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.
  14. I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford. ---------------------- That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
  15. My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  16. A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" "I … I … I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
  17. I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75. Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
  18. Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bash the casket into the door frame. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the woman inside still alive! She leaps out and performs a little jig. Everyone is in shock, including her husband. She went on to live another ten years before eventually keeling over. Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers were carrying out the casket. As they are heading toward the door of the church, the husband of the deceased rushes forward and shouts, "WATCH THE DOOR FRAME!"
  19. Well, one factor is that base containers don't have a reserve that the jumper might deploy after a main mal and cutaway. So for BASE, no need to have an altitude buffer in the main deployment altitude to allow a reserve to subsequently be used. Whereas for skydiving, you do.
  20. A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you’re just lazy." The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
  21. My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. "Who would you pick to portray you?" I asked her. She thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Angelina Jolie". "In that case," I said, "I'll play myself."
  22. On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
  23. Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
  24. A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
  25. A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"