JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[freethefly 6]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight.

"...And once you're gone, you can't come back
When you're out of the blue and into the black."
Neil Young

[BillyVance 34]

Outfuckingstanding!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[format 0]

bad boy, baaaaad boy

What goes around, comes later.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

I was sitting in a bar with a friend having a couple of drinks . . . I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and said, "That's us in 10 years."

He said, "That's a mirror, dipstick."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN'

The top 10 Country Songs of all time:

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogshow 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ Out All Day Long.



JeryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

As a retired federal worker, I know some of this is tgrue:

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.

Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.

For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."



JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

Brother, I'm not sure where you're getting these since a lot of them are new to me.
You may just receive the "Joke of the Day Club" Best Contributor Award.

Thanks.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

I just joined another interest group forum and they have over 38 pages of them.

Stay tuned, film at 11.



JerryBaumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

With a seductive voice the woman asked her husband:

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?".

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said,

"Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?".

He said "No!" trying to hide his arousal.

She said ... "Check the garage.".

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Slater 0]

Roman soldier walks into bar hold up two fingers and say "Five beers please".

Slater

McConkey es Dios

[Divalent 89]

The maid asked the woman of the house for a raise. The wife was very upset about this and sat down to talk to her about her request. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[turtlespeed 212]

Here is 50 underwhelmers

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

2. I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

3. The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

4. A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

5. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business.

6. What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink? Wataaaaah!

7. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

8. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

9. There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

10. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut.

11. So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.

12. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.

13. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

14. Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.

15. Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives.

16. How does NASA organize their company parties? They planet.

17. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.

18. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.

19. Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo’ drizzle.

20. Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!

21. Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a well known six offender.

22. What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

23. My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

24. What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyoncé.

25. Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

26. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

27. What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

28. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

29. Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

30. Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

31. Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out man!

32. Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

33. What do you call a big pile of kittens? A meowntain.

34. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

35. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

36. Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

37. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

38. I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

39. What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

40. How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

41. PMS should just be called ovary-acting.

42. Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

43. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

44. Learn sign language, it’s very handy.

45. I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet.

46. You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.

47. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

48. Dry erase boards are remarkable.

49. Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

50. How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. TC Mark

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

And one more, just for us guys:

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.



JerryBaumchen

[Divalent 89]

Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"

His mother replies, "The stork brings them."

Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

The doctor asks the pregnant prostitute: "Do you know who the father is?"

To which she responds, "Oh for goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

And another one, with apologies to all of from the UK:

Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding.

That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me."

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried the right shoe, but the shoe would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"



JerryBaumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

You're very punny!

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[turtlespeed 212]

oldwomanc6

You're very punny!

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day...Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. (The pharmacist fainted.)

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

Here we go again:

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her tee shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken!



JerryBaumchen

PS) If it were me, those eggs would probably be soft-boiled.

[Divalent 89]

Two nuns were riding their bicycles over to the outdoor market place to get some groceries.

As they were passing through the older section of town, one nun said "I've never come this way before."

The other replied "It's the cobblestones."

[rifleman 61]

Three rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few beers they start talking about how tough they are. The first rat says, "When I woke up this morning there was a matchbox full of rat poison outside my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing."

After a significant pause and a few more beers, the second rat chips in, "When I got up this morning, there was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime cheese as bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my back, ate the cheese and slipped out without a bruise."

At this, the third rat gets up and heads for the door.
"Where are you going?" ask the other two rats.
"Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and fuck the cat again."

Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

[jclalor 12]

An older nun while flying cross-country is working on a crossword puzzle, she finds herself stuck and ask the lady seated next to her:

"Would you happen to know a four letter word describing a certain type of women that ends in unt?"

The lady thinks for a second and then responds:

"Yes I do, that would be aunt"

To which the nun replies:

"Damn!!! can I borrow your eraser"

[csubl 0]

A well-dressed eighty-year-old lawyer arrives at a brothel in Nevada. The madam asks if he has a preference, and he says he wants to spend time with Violet. The madam says that maybe he should reconsider, because Violet commands $1,000 per visit, but the little old guy insists, pays the money, and spends an hour with Violet.

Next night, same thing: Little old guy arrives, wants a session with Violet, and pays a thousand dollars.

Third night, again he shows up, and only Violet will do. He pays a thousand dollars and spends his time with her. After three sessions, she feels she should find out a little more about him, and asks where he is from. He says he is from Cleveland.

"Oh", she says. "I have a sister in Cleveland".

"Yes", he replies. "She passed away, and I'm the executor of her estate. She left you three thousand dollars".

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

And another one:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it’s 3:00 AM in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3 AM in the morning and it's pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.



JerryBaumchen