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AggieDave

Marriage and changing names

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It's ironic because while Val has not insulted them with her own choice, some people have perceived her posts as insulting because her comments are (in their eyes) cutting down what they truly believe in with their hearts and minds. It's only one person's opinion. Does that make sense?



While I understand Val's view (it's her choice, and as she said, to each their own), I am a bit insulted that she was referring to something that is symbolic and important to me and a lot of other people, as "crap." It's just not respectful in an otherwise civil discussion.

Wouldn't you be insulted if someone (a friend) told you that your ideas and beliefs were essentially shit?

_Pm

P.S. - I know Val, I love her dearly, and I know that some of the things she says are taken the wrong way or they rub people the wrong way. Just trying to illustrate a point! :)
__
"Scared of love, love and aeroplanes...falling out, I said takes no brains." -- Andy Partridge (XTC)

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Wouldn't you be insulted if someone (a friend) told you that your ideas and beliefs were essentially shit?



Well, I guess that I wasn't insulted. I read what Val was saying about herself, and what these beliefs, traditions, crap, etc. means or doesn't mean to her. I didn't think about what that meant about me.

For the record, I said that I probably would take my future husband's last name. (I've been thinking about it a lot,lately.) I know that this is going to make some people feel like puking, but I love feeling as though he is mine and I am his. I used to HATE the thought of "belonging" to someone else (husband or father), but when I think of him...I love that he feels that I am his special angel. I want to be his...completely. When I marry, I am giving myself (all of myself) to him, and he is giving himself to me.

I don't care if Val or anyone else doesn't understand what being his wife and taking his name means to me. The unity and symbolism of my name change (for me) is between the man whom I will marry and myself, not for Val or anyone else to need to understand. :)

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Rosa, you are beautiful and incredible! I never had a knack for words. I never had the knack for being kind and gentle. I'm glad you and MissKriss do, though!

So, am I only allowed to call things crap if they're unpopular? Many of us believe that two men not being able to get married is crap, and the basis of it is crap. Some people have beliefs that they shouldn't get married. Should I not call what I think of as crap as such??? I guess I just don't really get all that offended if people call my beliefs crap. They're mine. I don't really care what others think of them.
There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

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I think it's up to each couple to decide if they want to share the same last name. Times have changed since that tradition was started.



I agree, Mar.

For me, I am not decided one way or the other. I am not fond of my father to be honest, so I don't have a desire to keep my last name in order to show that i'm part of that family. Although, I am used to my last name and as far as names go, I kinda like it. But, I might change my name if I were to marry just because I don't feel real ties to my name because of my father, and it might make things easier anyhow. ...

OTOH, changing names does make history of your lineage on paper. If I were to make history under my current name, people might remark about my name being French, and wonder who my father was. But, if I were to marry my current boyfriend and become a famous scientist under his name, people might think me German, and that would be incorrect.

Now, if I DID think fondly of my father I might lean more toward keeping my name, and I respect anyone who goes this route equally for it. Also, like has been said, if you have made a name for yourself in the business world, I think that it would be a good idea to keep your last name.

So, for me, i'm undecided.
Angela



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So, am I only allowed to call things crap if they're unpopular? Many of us believe that two men not being able to get married is crap, and the basis of it is crap. Some people have beliefs that they shouldn't get married. Should I not call what I think of as crap as such??? I guess I just don't really get all that offended if people call my beliefs crap. They're mine. I don't really care what others think of them.



No, I just don't think you should really call anybody's ideas and beliefs "crap," especially in a public forum. It's openly shitting on what they hold as important (some would say sacred), and therefore shitting on them as a person because it is at the core of what they believe and makes them who they are.

I don't agree with people who think same-sex marriages are crap, but I'm not going to call their ideas "crap." It's what they believe, and if they want to believe it, that's fine with me as long as they don't try to force their ideas on me or anybody else.

I respect your views and who you are as a person, so I will not refer to them or you as crap, whether you cared or not.

Do you care that what you say (or the way you say it) may insult or hurt your friends?

_Pm
__
"Scared of love, love and aeroplanes...falling out, I said takes no brains." -- Andy Partridge (XTC)

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Beauty of America, call whatever you like crap. Just accept some people might respond negatively. Just like a Dixie Chicks fiasco...a negative response is not censorship.

Personally, referring to anything in a civil conversation is less than polite. But, lets even set that aside, it is incredibly uneffective. "I feel your view is patriarchal..." or "I think your view applies only to...." or "Professional have name assocation..." are all articulate statements. "Crap" leaves it with no more distinction that anythin else you call crap, which you yourself stated was a lot of things. So it is lumped in with just about anything you don't like. It tells us nothing aobut why you don't like it. This leaves the audiance to to assume based on their knowledge of the word, which quite literally means feces, thus inferring disdain, etc.

It is all about perspective, and the only one you really offered was that for you to consider 'crap crap crap that you don't need' was out of the question.
--
All the flaming and trolls of wreck dot with a pretty GUI.

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My fiance, of 4 daysB|, has two sisters. One took her husbands Indian last name. I can't say it or pronounce it yet. But they're getting divorced anyway.:| Her other sister didn't take her husbands name because she felt she had a professional career developed in her name. In addition he's a prosecutor in N.Y.C. and at least they can list her name in the phone book.;)

But Susan has said that she want's to take my name. Didn't matter much to me but did bring a tear to my eye that she wanted to.:$
I'm old for my age.
Terry Urban
D-8631
FAA DPRE

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Well, I just figured that if I ever had kids, they'd get a hyphenated name until they decided which name to keep.



I did the opposite. My parents named me Marion Norris Grabarek Matthews. My mom switched back to her maiden name (Grabarek), and I wanted to have both my mom's and my dad's names, sooo...
Marion Norris Grabarek-Matthews.

Manifestors hate me. :P

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Good lord, everyone just needs to change their last name to Pot. Then we can be one big happy Pot family.



Damn, u made me fall off my chair in laughter, just caught me funny......:S



That was funny, I snorted! lol :D

I keep my name. It's mine. :P
Please feel free to reply to my posts and pm's, but only if you're smart enough to understand what they really mean.

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My favorite honey would take my last name.

However I figure that neither my fiancee nor I am loosing anything of what we were before by getting married, neither of our families is less important, and neither should give up our birth name, and I'm as much hers as she is mine. We'd also like to let the world know that we're married.

So mutual cross-hyphenation really appeals to me, as in groom's name-bride's surname and bride's name-groom's surname. We're thinking about it.

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my fiancee



:oIs that the gal I saw you with at Royal? And you didn't introduce us>:(

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We'd also like to let the world know that we're married.



Well if you looked like you did when I saw you guys, people will know that you are both madly in love with each other.
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

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because they've got to get someone's last name or things get rediculous!



As I've already mentioned, my husband and I have a compromise (if we ever decide to have kids):

If it's a boy, he gets Rich's last name. If it's a girl, she get's my last name.

Pretty simple.

And if he tried to convince me that simply giving the kids his last name was a fair compromise (and how is that even a compromise anyway?)... then he would probably end up with a little Keely foot up his ass. :P

But of course, I married someone who already thought enough like me... that I don't think there was ever even a discussion of whether I would be changing my name or not. :)

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If I ever get married the guy is definitely taking my last name.



Whew, that's a load off my mind! There I was, all worried I'd have to get a divorce and then marry you. No more worries! My wife takes my last name, so i just couldn't marry you.

I guess this means I stay married and we just have sex instead. :)
It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

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If I ever get married the guy is definitely taking my last name.



Whew, that's a load off my mind! There I was, all worried I'd have to get a divorce and then marry you. No more worries! My wife takes my last name, so i just couldn't marry you.

I guess this means I stay married and we just have sex instead. :)



You're a very strange man.

--------------

(Do not, I repeat DO NOT, take my posts seriously.)

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If I ever get married the guy is definitely taking my last name.



Whew, that's a load off my mind! There I was, all worried I'd have to get a divorce and then marry you. No more worries! My wife takes my last name, so i just couldn't marry you.

I guess this means I stay married and we just have sex instead. :)



You're a very strange man.



:$

Gee, thanks for noticing.
:P
It's your life, live it!
Karma
RB#684 "Corcho", ASK#60, Muff#3520, NCB#398, NHDZ#4, C-33989, DG#1

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My ex-fiance threatened to punch me when I told him I was considering hyphenating. [:/] I only wanted to keep my last name out of respect for my family and the accomplishments I made before getting married.

He was a shmuck. Luckily, I didn't get hit that day and we didn't get married. :)
I'm coming to understand now that there are some men who would be supportive of a hyphenation (even if they were disappointed) and won't resort to physical intimidation to force their hand. For the man who respects me like that, I would seriously consider taking his last name out of respect, too.
Take me, I am the drug; take me, I am hallucinogenic.
-Salvador Dali

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My ex-fiance threatened to punch me when I told him I was considering hyphenating. [:/] I only wanted to keep my last name out of respect for my family and the accomplishments I made before getting married.

He was a shmuck. Luckily, I didn't get hit that day and we didn't get married. :)



Good for you! I wouldn't marry (or even date) anyone like that either... assuming he was serious about using physical means to force his ideas on to you.

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I know that some of the things she says are taken the wrong way or they rub people the wrong way.



By 'some' you mean 'most' - right? Let's her started on a man opening a door for her! :D I think we're wearing her down though, because she's been breaking the 'man will NOT pay for dinner' rule left and right lately! :D
it's like incest - you're substituting convenience for quality

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What if my name is extremely important to me? Why should kids automatically get his last name? I never understood that either.



Why is your name so "extremely important" to you? Are you the last child in your bloodline and want to make sure that the name lives on? Just wondering what the underlying reason is for your stance on this subject? In the case of your question above, it's simply because that's the "standard" way of tracking bloodlines and relations; through the family name of the husbands/male.

Chuck

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