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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

A gray-headed old man shuffled into a downtown bar holding his head up high. His hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. “I was a Navy F-4 pilot off of the USS Coral Sea. I learned to play the piano at the Officers' Club happy hours while in port, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The old pilot shuffled his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender handed the old Navy pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played. It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After along pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the F-4 pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second offered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light."

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline." He then excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey, Fly boy, the job is yours; but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!”


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Ira Kaplan, who hasn’t returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam, returns during a business trip to find everything on Morris Avenue has changed.

When once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning ( One-Hour Martinizing ) used to be, a nail salon and spa is now there; where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there is now a Gap...

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls—such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how—that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there..?

A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan says, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong accent, asks, “Vas dey black vingtips?”

“They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalls.

“And you vanted a halv sole, mid rubber heels?”

“Yes,” says Kaplan. “That’s exactly what I wanted.”

“And you vanted taps on the heels only ?”

“Yes, yes,” says Kaplan. “Amazing! Do you still have them ?”

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says, “Dey’ll be ready Vendesday.”


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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another Irish one for you Jerry ;)

Two Irish hunters from dublin hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.
The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating; "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as
yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
:P:P:P

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Hi folks,

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a baby in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby ... and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "Ratz! And all these years I've been chewing gum......."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

They walk among us:

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00. I said, "May I have large bills, please".

She looked at me and said, "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

After I got up off the floor I tried to explain it to her.

******************

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'

His reply, 'I know, I already got that side.'

**************************

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.

He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

***********************

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

******************************

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

*******************************

A worker plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Irish Paddy was sitting in a Bar one night and noticed a beautiful woman sitting across from him.
suddenly the lady sneezed and her glass eye popped out! Paddy being Quick of the mark was able to catch it and return it to her. they began to chat and after about an hour decided to go back to his place for a bit of Fun...
after a couple of hours of having Fun they were both relaxing on the bed and paddy began to wonder... and asked do you normally sleep with a guy on a first date???
she answered, only if he catches my Eye ;););)

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Hi folks,

A motorcycle rider is riding along and stops to pick up a beautiful blonde who is hitch-hiking.

She gets on behind him and they take off down the road.

He has been having electrical troubles with his bike, and as they come into a town, he needs to stop for gas. He activates his turn signal and says, "Would you look behind you and tell me whether my turn signal is working?"

She turns around, looks at the back of his bike and says, "Yes . . . No . . . Yes . . . No"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A 6 year old is watching TV with his grandma in her bedroom.

After awhile, the young lad says, "Grandma, Grampa died a long time ago, how come you never got a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "The TV is my boyfriend. Sometimes it takes me to places I've never been. Other times, it soothes me with music."

All of a sudden, the old TV went out, which it occasionally did. Grandma got up and started to whack the TV. Just then, the doorbell rang.

The young boy rushed to answer the door. When he opened the door, he found the Preacher standing there.

The Preacher said, "Good afternoon young man, is your grandma home?"

The lad responded, "Yes, she's in the bedroom, banging her boyfriend."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

There is a lot of truth in this one:

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, "Make up your mind. Last night , you told me to go fly a kite!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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There was an old career politician who was a U.S. Senator. The state he represented had a large population of Native Americans. Every time he came up for reelection, he won without needing the Native American vote so he never cared about Native American issues or problems.

The next time he came up for reelection, he was facing an opponent who was mounting a strong challenge. The old senator's advisors warned him that he was going to have to go after every possible vote so, for the first time in his political career, the old senator set up a campaign visit to the state's largest Indian reservation. On the day of his visit, he was taken to a large arena that was filled to capacity. After an introduction, he went to the podium and his speech went as follows:

Senator:
"Thank you for for allowing me to speak to you. The first thing want you to know is that I have always been a friend to the Indian."

Audience response (loudly):
"Hummah, hummah!"

The old senator was confused by the response because he didn't know the Native American language but, because of the vigor of the response, he thought it was a positive thing and he continued.

Senator:
"If you give me your vote, I promise more and better jobs on the resevervation."

Audience:
"Hummah, hummah!"

Senator:
"Better schools!"

Audience:
"Hummah, hummah!"

Senator:
"Better healthcare!"

Audience:
"Hummah, hummah!"

Senator:
"More services for the elderly!"

Audience:
"Hummah, hummah!"

The speech went on like this for another 30 minutes. The old senator finished, thanked the audience, and sat down. One of the elders of the reservation went to the podium and spoke:

"We thank you for coming to us with your powerful words. Since this is your first visit to the reservation, we want to take you on a tour before you leave. The first place we want you see is where we keep the livestock and our prize bulls. When we get there, be careful. Do not step in the hummah!"

Note: I remembered this old joke as I watched Trump address the Polish people and their response.

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A married skydiver and his wife had terrible arguments when he went skydiving because he would come home late. One day, before going skydiving, he promised on a stack of bibles that he wouldn't be late this time. Well, not only was he late, but he was later than he had ever been.

When he walked in the house and saw the look on his wife's face, he knew he was in trouble big time. He said, "Honey, I know you're upset but before you say anything, let me tell you what happened. I didn't set out to be late on purpose. In fact, I left early but when I was half way home, I saw a car pulled over on the shoulder with the emergency flasher on. Standing by the car was a beautiful young lady. Since I am a gentleman, I stopped to see if I could help. It turned out that she had a flat tire so I changed it for her. When I was done, she offered to pay me but I wouldn't take her money. She was so grateful that she insisted that I follow her down the road to a bar so that she could at least buy me a drink. I didn't want to offend her so I said ok. We got to the bar and one drink led to another, and another, and another. Before I knew it, we ended up in a motel and I slept with her. I am so ashamed of myself and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise it will never happen again."

His wife paused for a minute and said, "You asshole! You stayed for the sunset load, didn't you?"

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Faicon9493

"You asshole! You stayed for the sunset load, didn't you?"



I always get a good chuckle out of this thread but this ^^^ got a lol.
A joke only a skydiver would really appreciate!! :D:D
Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

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Gipsy got some butt pain so he went to see a doctor. Doctor checked him and gave him a recepy for medicine: "Just put it in your rectum and no more pain."
After pharmacy he gets home. Wife ask him what the doctor said?
Gippo: he said to put this in my rectum.
Wife: What's rectum?
Gippo: Don't know.
Wife: Call and ask, you moron!
Gippo: Hey Doc, sorry but what is rectum?
Doctor: He he, no problem, rectum is anus :)
Wife: what he say?
Gipsy: Said it's anus.
Wife: What's that?
Gipsy: Don't know :(
Wife: Idiot, call him back and ask.
Gipsy: Doc I'm sorry again but what is anus?
Doctor: STICK IT UP YOUR ASS! and hanged up.
Wife: Did he tell you know?
Gipsy: No, he is very angry.
What goes around, comes later.

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H folks,

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew, from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- watch the watch ---- watch the watch." The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were all hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"S**t," shouted Claude.

It took them three days to completely clean up the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited back again.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Our brave new world:

- Hello! Gordon's Pizza?

- No sir, it is Google Pizza.

- So, I have the wrong number?

- No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.

- OK. Take my order please ..

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? How do you know me?

- According to your caller ID, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust ...

- OK! OK! That's it.

- Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?

- No, I hate vegetables.

- But your cholesterol is high!

- How do you know?

- Through the Lab subscriber's guide. We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I want my regular pizza, I already take medicine.

- But sir, you have not taken your medicine regularly. Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It is not showing on your credit card.

- I paid in cash.

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

- I have other sources of cash.

- This is not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.

- WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an island without Wi-Fi or internet. Where there are no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.

- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport, as it has expired 5 weeks ago!


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A guys steps into an elevator and there is a attractive woman inside.

He turns around to push the button for his floor and his elbow bumps right into her breast.

He says, "Oh, I'm so sorry. If your heart is as soft as your breast, I hope you'll be able to forgive me."

She looks at him a few seconds and says, "That's all right. If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 204."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Seen on FB:

The devil enters a church. Everyone flees in terror except for one old man.
The devil asks the old man: "Why didn't you run? Aren't you afraid of me?"

The old man replies. "I'm not afraid of you, I've been married to your sister for 20 years."

And:

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 72 to say "Fuck off." Totally worth the extra effort.
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Hi folks,

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her a$$ that said...'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"


:)

Jerry Baumchen
Former Firefighter

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Hi folks,

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap crap - but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"

"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The fool says he can't communicate with me."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)
Is that why they are always squealing?

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy)
(I'm still not over the pig!!!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home;maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)


:P

Jerry aumchen

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A woman found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she called her veterinarian. The vet found out that the problem was hair in the ear. The vet cleaned both of its ears and miraculously the dog could hear just fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she could go to the store and get some NAIR hair remover and put it in its ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some NAIR hair remover and at the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says, " I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "Oh. Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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Probably in this thread somewhere already, but a good enough version of it for a repost I think:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg73GKm7GgI

:)

"If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation."
David Brent

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