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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

Dear Sir,

I have a very complicated benefits question. Many years ago, I married a widow, out of love, who had an 18 year old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result my step-daughter became my step-mother and my father became my son-in-law.

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law and my step-mother's brother fulfill the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?

Sincerely yours,

Bubba


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed the bills aren’t paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my
e-mail….

Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A young bride was cooking a roast for her new husband.

He noticed she cut some meat off of each end before putting in the pan.

He asked "Why?" and she said, "Because my mother did it."

He asked the mother and she said, "Because my mother did it."

He asked the grandmother and she said, "So it would fit in the pan I used."


:$

Jerry Baumchen

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A burglar breaks into a house quietly with a lock pick set.

While looking around in the dark with a flashlight, he hears the words "I see you and Jesus does too!"

He freezes for a second and tries to find where the voice came from.

Again, he hears it "I see you and Jesus does too!" Finally, he trains his flashlight on a parrot in a cage. "Aw, shut up! You're nothing but a god damn parrot!"

To which the parrot replied sarcastically "well yeah, but Jesus is a Doberman!"

"GRRRRRRRRR...."
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Trump is being entertained by Queen Elizabeth at Buckingham Palace. They're sat there, surrounded by corgi's and dining on afternoon tea - cakes, vol au vents and the such like.

Donald suddenly turns to the Queen and says 'Liz, you know...I've been thinking. I think I'm going to make America a Kingdom'. The Queen looks over, rolls her eyes and replies in an exasperated tone 'Donald, for America to be a Kingdom, you would need to be a King....which you're not. You're the President, so how can it be designated a Kingdom?'

He pauses, turns back to the food. Then a few seconds later turns back and goes 'Liz, you know....I've decided, if I can't make it a Kingdom, I shall call it a Principality'. The Queen looks on in disbelief, then goes 'Donald, what don't you understand? For America to become a principality, you would need to be a Prince....which you're not. You're the President, so America can't become a principality!'

Trump turns back to the food and then jumps up with excitement. 'Liz, you know.....' The Queen puts up a hand for him to be silent and matter of factly states 'Donald, I think it's better if we just continue to call America a country!'

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Hi folks,

Just for you, Irish Rigger:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A lawyer opened the door of his fancy new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh, crap," replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, says, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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The divorce lawyer is surprised when the very old couple comes in to begin the process.
"How old are you two? he asks
"I'm 86, she's 87," says the man.

"And you want a divorce? How long have you two been married?"
"Been about 65 years as of last fall," she says. "And, yes, we want a divorce as soon as you can get it done. We can't stand each other."

"OK, I can certainly take care of that. But I have to ask, why now after so many years?"
"We wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

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Hi folks,

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Getting old is not a walk in the park:

Jack was taking a walk in the park on his lunch break. He saw a well dressed older gentleman sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. Jack couldn't help stopping.

He asked the elderly man 'What is the problem? Can I help you?'.

The old man looked up, and, wiping tears from his swollen eyes with a monogrammed handkerchief, said, 'It's a bit of a long story, young man. You see, I was recently married. My wife is a drop dead gorgeous 25 year old swim suit model. At first I thought she was just looking for my home and life insurance. After the first month, I came to realize she really cared for me. She would get up early each morning, greet me with a warm smile and a big kiss and make fresh coffee, and a healthy breakfast. She is an amazing cook! Before she left for her latest photo shoot, she would lay out my wardrobe for the day. All of which were tailored for me as her gift to me. At noon, she would come home, give me a very warm hug and kiss, prepare a delicious lunch, and tell me all about her morning. Then each evening she would cook a scrumptious dinner. Afterward we would snuggle on the couch with a glass of my favorite wine, and talk about our day. Then, at bed time she would put on her most appealing lingerie, and make sweet gentle love with me. I have never been happier, until today.'

Jack listened in amazement at the old man's story, but could find no reason for the elderly man's grief. 'But why are you sitting here crying your eyes out?' Jack asked him.

The miserable look on the old man's face was heart wrenching. As his tears began anew, the gentleman sobbed, 'Ive forgotten where I live!'


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

It's a guy thing:

TOOL DICTIONARY

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then pee.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pi$$ing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
An undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.”
The man thought about it for a while and then told him, “I see. Well, you’d better ship her home then.”
The undertaker asked “Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and only spend $150?”
The man said, “A man died 2,000 years ago. He was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

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Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bugger

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Hi folks,

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Just for you, Irish Rigger:

The Irish Blonde:

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb...But all men...are men!


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A guy walks into a...no wait, he was already there. ..Anyway, he's talking to his friend and he says "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you do that too?" and his friend says "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"

Custom T-Shirts and Pullup cords

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JerryBaumchen

Hi Joe,

Quote

Sorry.



It would better as, 'What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?'

Jerry Baumchen



Ooohhh. I like it.

I heard it on the radio as a "Rhino", but the "hippo" would be better...

Or worse. Depends on how you look at it.

Thanks.
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Hi folks,

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy..

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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