JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[oldwomanc6 38]

What's the difference between a padded bra and a padded codpiece?

When a guy finds out the boobs are exaggerated, he doesn't (really) care, they are still just fine to fondle.

When a gal finds out a guy is padding, it's just not the same, because fondling isn't what she wants with that.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[wmw999 2,122]

Modern version

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[wmw999 2,122]

A man tours a prison; he's in the long-timers section, and they're allowed to talk from cell to cell. He hears someone shout out "78," and everyone laughs. Then someone else shouts out "450," and the laughing is even louder.
He asks the guard what's going on; the guard explains that everyone's heard all of the jokes, so they only have to say the number. He decides to try it out, and yells out "83." Not a sound, so he asked the guard why it didn't work. The closest inmate leaned out and said "it's all in how you tell it."

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[pterodactyl1986 0]

This was was corny I had to share

How do you make a tissue dance?
Add some boogie

[Divalent 89]

wmw999

A man tours a prison; he's in the long-timers section, and they're allowed to talk from cell to cell. He hears someone shout out "78," and everyone laughs. Then someone else shouts out "450," and the laughing is even louder.
He asks the guard what's going on; the guard explains that everyone's heard all of the jokes, so they only have to say the number. He decides to try it out, and yells out "83." Not a sound, so he asked the guard why it didn't work. The closest inmate leaned out and said "it's all in how you tell it."

Wendy P.

LOL! Ya could have just said "892"!

http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=4767693#4767693

[Niki1 1]

The doctor said, "Your cough sounds much better." I said, "It should. I practiced all night."

The doctor said I was overweight. I said I want a second opinion, He said, "OK. You're ugly too."


bump

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (Save this until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday!!)



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Just for you Irish Rigger:

"Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well", said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "but it did happen to me sister."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

The other day someone asked me, 'What are doing?'

I said, 'Nothing.'

They said, 'You were doing that yesterday.'

I said, 'I'm not finished.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."



Jerry Baumchen

[ryoder 1,384]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant..."You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You b*****d!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten b*****d!"

The judge stops and says to George in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

George stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that a**hole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

According to Golf World magazine, the average golfer loses two golf balls per round for a worldwide total of approximately 2,465,752 every day.

Worried about running out? Don't be. Companies like Titleist are working hard to ensure that never happens. Titleist makes 1.2 million golf balls each day.

And one more thought to ponder on...

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Golfers should be proud, they are like.... a hybrid!



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

According to Golf World magazine, the average golfer loses two golf balls per round for a worldwide total of approximately 2,465,752 every day.

Worried about running out? Don't be. Companies like Titleist are working hard to ensure that never happens. Titleist makes 1.2 million golf balls each day.

And one more thought to ponder on...

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Golfers should be proud, they are like.... a hybrid!



Jerry Baumchen

Well, in that case, John Daly's mileage sucks donkey balls.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BIGUN 1,053]

At an auction in Ft. Worth a wealthy Texan announced that he had lost his wallet containing $10,000 and would give a reward of $100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall; an Oklahoma ranch hand shouted, “I’ll give $150!”

+++++

Did you hear about the fire in University of Texas's football dorm that destroyed 20 books?
The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

+++++

What does the average Texas Tech University student get on his SAT?
Drool.

+++++

My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my privates; you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the drain is clogged again."

+++++

Guy: Wanna go down on me?
Girl: No.
Guy: Probably for the best. I mean, it has a label - Warning! Choking Hazard!
Girl: Isn't that the warning put on tiny objects?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go see Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.

His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?"

The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles."

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?"

"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother also. The man cuts another picture in half, but somehow winds up sending the bottom half instead of the top part. Realizing what he has accidentally done he becomes worried about the conse-
quences he will later face with his family.

Then a shimmer of hope appears in his thoughts . . . he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice and bury the photo in her memrobelia.

A few weeks later to his surprise he receives a badly hand-scribbled note from his grandmother. It says:

"Thanks for the picture . . . change your hairstyle . . . it makes your nose look too short . . . !”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

"Layin' Pipe"

An old pipefitter goes to the doctor. "Doc, I've been layin' pipe since I was 17, and I don't want to give it up, but I'm struggling lately. I think I'm finally gettin' too old for it."

"Nonsense," the doctor says, "let me give you some suggestions." He then proceeds to give him some pointers on how to avoid undue physical strain on the job.

The man goes home to his wife. "Honey," she asks, "did the doctor give you anything for your erectile dysfunction?"

"Nope. He seems to think I'll be back to 'layin' pipe' if I just buy a comfortable set of knee-pads, take a break to get up and move around every fifteen minutes, take some Advil afterwards. However, he did say that I shouldn't be afraid to call in a younger guy if there's a really awkward position I can't get into."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

I called an old engineering classmate and asked him what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed...

However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.



Jerry Baumchen

[Faicon9493 114]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

After dying in an accident, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

They were all asked the same question: “When you are in the casket, friends and family will be mourning over you. What would you like to hear them say about you?”

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I’d like to hear them say…"LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!!”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Three nuns returning from a conference were in an automobile accident and were killed. They awoke and found themselves before St. Peter and the Golden Gate.

St. Peter greets the nuns and welcomes them to Heaven and thanks them for their service to the Lord. He informs them that they each must answer a final biblical question before they can pass through the Golden Gates and enter Heaven. However, he tells them that because of their service, he would not ask them any difficult questions.

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first man on earth?"

The nun smiles and states, "Adam!"

The angels started singing and bells started ringing and the Golden Gate opened.

St. Peter says, "Correct sister, you may pass through into Heaven."

He then asks the second nun, "What was the name of the first woman on earth?"

The nun smiles and states, "Eve!"

The angels started singing and bells started ringing and the Golden Gate opened.

St. Peter says, "Correct sister, you may pass through into Heaven."

St. Peter turns to the third nun and says, "Your question sister is what were Eve's first words to Adam?"

The nun gasps and states, "My, that's a hard one!"

The angels started singing and bells started ringing...........



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

H folks,

I'll probably get in trouble for this one, but here goes:

Three women, a blonde, an Asian, and an African American were sitting together on a flight home. There was an explosion in one of the engines and the pilot came over the intercom advising the passengers to prepare for a crash landing.

Immediately the blonde jumped up and got her make up kit and started to put make up on.

The other two asked why and she stated that rescuers looked for the pretty ones to rescue first.

The Asian woman started to put on all her jewelry that was in her bag.

When asked why she was doing this, she stated that rescuers looked for the rich looking people first.

The African American woman jumped up and started taking off all of her clothes.

When they asked her what she was doing, she replied that she wanted to be the first one rescued and that she had read that the first thing rescuers looked for was the black box!



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Police: 'You were going too fast.'

Me: 'I was trying to keep up with traffic.'

Police: 'There isn't any traffic.'

Me: 'I know, that's how far behind I am.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Two Texans are sitting in first class on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish man is sitting between them.

The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place The Jolly Roger."

The second Texan says, "My name is John. I own 350,000 acres. I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place Big John's."

They both look down at the little old Jewish man who says, "My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

Roger says, "300 acres? What do you raise?"

"Nothing," says Irving .

"Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

"Downtown Dallas."



Jerry Baumchen