JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[BartsDaddy 4]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

Just for the guys out there.

The Four Stages of Life:

1. You believe in Santa Claus

2. You don't believe in Santa Claus

3. You are Santa Claus

4. You look like Santa Claus



Jerry Baumchen

Come on Jerry tell me there is a stage 6 or 7 in there. I'm all ready at stage 4.

Handguns are only used to fight your way to a good rifle

[irishrigger 31]

Little Zoe was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Zoe, who created the universe?”

When Zoe didn’t stir, little Wesley who seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“Oh My God!” screamed Zoe and the teacher said, “Very good” and Zoe fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked again to the Zoe, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But,Zoe didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Wesley came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” screamed Zoe and the teacher said, “very good,” and Zoe fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked to the Zoe for the third times.

“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

And again,Wesley jabbed her with the pin.

This time Zoe jumped up and screamed, “If you stick that fu****g thing in me once again, I will break it in half and stick it up your arse!”

[irishrigger 31]

The young lady of New York Jasmin was very depressed and decided to commit suicide by throwing herself into the sea.

Just before she could throw herself from the pier, a handsome young man Austin stopped her.

Austin: “There are many reasons to live” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we arrive to Italy you will be SO GLAD you’re alive.”

Jasmin accepted the offer. Because there was nothing to lose.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring for her foods, bottles of drinks, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

The Captain asked “What are you doing here?”

Jasmin: “I have an arrangement with Austin,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

The Captain says: “I see,”

Jasmin: “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He definitely is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

[irishrigger 31]

A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?”

The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house?

“The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said.

“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

[irishrigger 31]

A married woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s anger.

The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”

The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. On these days my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. He scares me.”

The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and do not swallow water until your husband leaves the room or calms down.”

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the hospital to see the doctor looking fresh and happy.

The woman says: “Doctor that was a wonderful idea! Every time my husband started losing his temper, I swished with water and did not swallowed ,he calmed right down in a few minutes! How does a glass of water do that?”

The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

[wmw999 2,122]

A young man went to visit his grandmother in the old folks' home. Making conversation, he asked her how she liked it, and she said she hated it; every time she leans, they sit her back up again. She leans to the left, and they push her to the right, and stick a pillow on the left side. She leans to the right, and they push her back up, and put another pillow on her right side.
He says that, well, it sounds like they're taking good care of her, making sure that she doesn't fall.
She answers "But I'm trying to fart."

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[irishrigger 31]

A guy had an accident and dies.He goes to Heaven and meet with God. He wants to ask a few questions to God if he has a chance.

Please My Lord, I want to learn about women.

“Sure,”God says, “What do you want to know?”

“Well,why did you make women so pretty?” he asks.

God replies, “So you would like them.”

“OK,well” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”

“So you would Love them”, God replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?”

God replies, “So they would love you!”

[irishrigger 31]

A mortician Henry was working late one night at the mortuary .

He examined the body of Mr.Fritz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.

Mr.Fritz had the biggest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Fritz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive special part.It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his suitcase, and took it home.

‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife Monica and he opened his suitcase.

‘Oh My God!’ Monica screamed,

‘Fritz is dead!’

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

I got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later, after a kiss and a cuddle, we headed off to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 31]

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

OK, it's a joke:

The teacher asked young Malcolm: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Malcolm addressed the class: "Well Miss Jones, my twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Malcolm," she said. "Now Jimmy, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Miss Jones, my sister and I also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there were Jewish boys in the class and not wanting to leave them out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, Miss Jones, it's the same thing every year - Dad comes home from the office, we all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What A Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all get on Dad’s jet and fly to the Bahamas."



Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

NSFW

How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
The man.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.

What do boobs and toys have in common?
They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, “I slept with a Brazilian.”
The blonde replies, “Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?”

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom that he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, “Why on Earth do you need that?!”
The little boy says, “Isn’t that what you give daddy when his sh*t doesn’t get hard?”

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi flks,

Hey, John Mitchell, this one is for you:


And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 7 Saturdays

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite:

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday& Sunday, I rest.



Jerry Baumchen

[Niki1 1]

A couple was sitting on the deck watching the sunset. The wife turns to the husband and asks, "Dear, if I died, would you remarry?" The husband thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, I guess I would after a while." The wife asks, "Would you stay in our house with your new wife?" The husband says, "Yeah, I suppose so." The wife asks, "Well, would you let her sleep in our bed?" He replies, "It's a really good bed and we have some great times in it, but it would be hard to find as good a bed again, so yeah." She says, "You wouldn't let her use my golf clubs would you?" He says, "Oh, of course not. She's left handed."

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[Jensj 0]

car doesn´t turn on... need help

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde replied it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! you still don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog..."



Jerry Baumchen

[irishrigger 31]

A young couple have fallen on hard times, he has just lost his job and having trouble getting a new one. meanwhile the bills kept building up and they were now in serious financial struggle. the husband was at loss on what to do as the bank wanted to repossess their house.
they talked about what they can do to get out of the mess they were in. the wife suggest that she should head for the red light district and start working as a hooker to make ends meet. the husband said no way but a couple weeks later agreed as they had no other choice and he was in despair.
so she gets dressed in mini skirt etc and make up, the husband drives her to the area and stays around keeping an eye on her to make sure she is safe.
as she is standing there a car pulls up and she starts talking to driver, when she walks over to her husband and asks they forgot to discuss what she should charge for her service. 100 bucks for full service and 50 bucks for BJ and 20 for Hand relief.
she heads back to the client but after a short while returns to her husband. whats wrong he asks.
the wife explains he had only 20 bucks on him so just wanted hand relief. but as he pulled down his pants out came a big thick 12 cock.
the wife asks her husband if there is any chance he could lend him the other 80 bucks

[irishrigger 31]

An older couple Olivia and Percival,who were both widowed,had been going out with each other for long years.Urged on by their friends,our couple decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding day,they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances,living arrangements,and so on.Finally, the old gentleman Percival decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about sex?” he asked,rather tentatively.

“I would like it infrequently “, Olivia replied. Percival sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,scratched his jaw then leaned over towards her and whispered,“Is that one word or two?”

[irishrigger 31]

A rainy night little Ashley afraid of the sound of thunder.She decides to go to her parents room.She sees her mother and father while having sex.The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter Ashley looking at them she directly stops.

Ashley asks;“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

Little Ashley replies, “Well,mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”Her mother has a confused look on Ashley’s face and says; “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies,“Because mommy,everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

[irishrigger 31]

Carol and Rick take their son Marty on holiday to a nude beach.Rick goes for a walk on the beach and Marty goes and plays in the water.Carol takes a sunbath on the sunbed.

Marty comes running up to his mom Carol and says;”Mom,I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mother says;”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So Marty goes back to play.A few minutes later,he comes running back and says;”Mom,I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Dad’s!”The mom says;”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.”

So he goes back to play.After about five minutes later Marty comes running back and says;”Mom, I just saw Dad talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked,the dumber and dumber he got!”

[irishrigger 31]

A wealthy old man goes for his regular round of bowling with his fellows but this time he brings along a beautiful young lady.

“Guys,meet my prospective bride” he says,full of pride as he introduces her to his friends.

For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the charming beauty.

After the round of bowling the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.

One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him,”How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young woman?You’re sixty seven.She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”

The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”

His friend says,”And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”

“I told her I was ninety five.”

[ryoder 1,384]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Bob_Church 7]

Retirement means that the next time someone says "have a nice day" you just might have a shot at it.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.



Jerry Baumchen

[headoverheels 291]

The world's leading expert on Vespula germanica walks into a record shop.
He asks the assistant “Do you have European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week and is said to be the best recording of European wasps ever collected!”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and confirms that it is indeed the correct recording, European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. "Let's try the next track," the assistant says, and moves the needle.
Again the expert listens for a moment and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! No specimen of Vespula germanica or any wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I'm the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is simply no way that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."