JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Divalent 89]

A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Father O’Grady after mass.

He says: “So what’s bothering you?”

She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”

"Certainly father," she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

[Divalent 89]

An Catholic priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you’re not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation.

He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you’re supposed to be celibate. But..."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you’re going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while.

Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn’t it?"

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

We have a new supermarket that just opened here. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Corona.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.



Jerry Baumchen

[ryoder 1,381]

The last time Angela Merkel visited France, the customs officer asked her: "Occupation?"

She said: "No, just visiting."

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Divalent 89]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

H folks,

A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.

In the morning, the wife asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? (I like this one a lot!)
12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?
16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
17. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
18. Ever wonder about those people who spend too much money on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
20. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?



Jerry Baumchen

[ryoder 1,381]

JerryBaumchen

19. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Genego 2]

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Californians screw in hot tubs.


I dated a twin for a while. People always asked if I could tell them apart. I said that it was easy, Sharon always painted her nails red, and Bob had a Dick.

I live with fear and terror, but sometimes I leave her and go skydiving.

[riggerrob 558]

When an Australian gets confused, does he head spin counter-clockwise?

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have... Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "Well, I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'

Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ray.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ray, wake up! You sh*t the bed!"



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

"Ray, wake up! You sh*t the bed!"

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ticking me off.

3. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

4. The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

5. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

6. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

7. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

8. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

10. When my kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery day. The daughter said to
her mother, ‘My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.' The daughter did,
and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and
warmed up his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed up his nose..

The day after, the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

Well, the next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned, the mother said, 'Why, yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replied, 'They sure make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots that she wants.

The husband says, 'No chance, dear; they are way too expensive.'

Later on, in bed, just as the wife is about to fall asleep, the husband tries his luck and puts his hand on her hip and then lower to her thigh.

She turns to him and says, 'I don't think so, dear. If you're not prepared to shoe the horse you surely are not riding it.'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

A lesbian goes to her gynecologist. After starting his exam, he pauses, and from 'down there' he looks up at her and says: "I just have to tell you, you have the cleanest vagina I've ever seen."

The lesbian replies: "Why thank you. I have a woman in twice a week."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination, the doctor said he wanted to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough. Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband."

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call from a woman who was about to deliver.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........spank his a$$ again!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,046]

Hi folks,

The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.



Jerry Baumchen

[billeisele 122]

keep these coming, too funny

Give one city to the thugs so they can all live together. I vote for Chicago where they have strict gun laws.

[SethInMI 145]

JerryBaumchen

...droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray

interesting how jokes get customized. I heard it with grizzly / black bears and it works better that way I think.

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[ryoder 1,381]

This is the version I've always heard:

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

SethInMI

***...droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray

interesting how jokes get customized. I heard it with grizzly / black bears and it works better that way I think.

Me too (both points).

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo