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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in placed in his room as his last wishes, and when everything is ready he began to speak:

“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

“My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”

“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center.”

“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks by the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”

Sarah said “Property? …. the old bugger had a paper route!”


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month..

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years....Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND - Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

I went to my nearby CVS Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me. I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Seeing that I was a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.

He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!!!"

I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"

I am not allowed to go back to that CVS, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A brunette walks into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

‘Hmmm,’ say the doctor, ‘Show me.’

She takes her finger & presses on her elbow and screams in pain. She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, ‘You’re not really a brunette are you?’

She says, ‘No, I died my hair. I’m naturally a blonde.’

‘I thought so,’ says the doctor. ‘Your finger is broken.’


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A test to determine if you might have the Alzheimer's gene:

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


And the answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is: You do NOT have the Alzheimer's gene.

However, you are a pervert.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

She asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f****** wall."


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

A test to determine if you might have the Alzheimer's gene:

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S


And the answers:

1. RANDOM

2. FORK

3. PANTS

4. PULSE

5. SIX

6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

The good news is: You do NOT have the Alzheimer's gene.

However, you are a pervert.


:P

Jerry Baumchen



Without scrolling down, I knew most of them had sexual connotations but I made the conscious choice to figure out a plain word on each. I got the first 5 right. #6 was BOOTS. And yes I'm still a pervert anyway. :D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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If you picked valid words, then you got them... The only one I got the same as them was books -- Fandom, funk, punts, purse, sox, books...

I'm as pure as the driven snow :)

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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muff528

***This reminds me of the damaged screen that I saw at a gas station recently.



I wonder what the "help" button does?

calls a lifeline if you can't figure out the missing letters??
You can't be drunk all day if you don't start early!

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muff528

***This reminds me of the damaged screen that I saw at a gas station recently.



I wonder what the "help" button does?

It connects you to this guy:
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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muff528

***This reminds me of the damaged screen that I saw at a gas station recently.



I wonder what the "help" button does?

It's for the handicapped, so an attendant will come help fuel your vehicle.
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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Hi folks,

Mary checked into the Starlight motel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .

She figured, "What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?”

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!
Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Walmart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Irish Rigger, this first one is for you:

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.


JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive & your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."


ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for awhile. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

:o

Jerry Baumchen

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