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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

An oldie but some of you may not have heard it:

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1"
"2"
"3"
“4"
"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and all of Washington DC.


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

I like my chili rather hot, so here goes.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy Christ, what the H*** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting f***-faced from all of the beer!

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. pimple face is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I s*** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s*** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Imagine you have this cat... named Dickface...

"Get off the counter, Dickface!"

"Here's your food, Dickface"

"Come here Dickface, kitty kitty kitty"

:S:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

SMART ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ANSWER 5

A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ANSWER 4

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.

The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ANSWER 3

A truckie was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it .. . Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ANSWER 2

A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-mouthed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR

Telephone rings, woman answers.

Pervert, breathing heavily, says, "I bet you have a tight a$$ with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have.. He's watching the rugby .... Who shall I say is calling?"


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

There were three farmers that wanted to win the State Fair contest for having the largest hog. So they decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs keester and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of training, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do.

The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize.

Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles.

They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the three farmers woke up two days later, in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them.

The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"

"S*** flying everywhere," the farmer replied.

The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response.

When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.

The reporter asked, "What's the matter?"

The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied in a sultry tone, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own d*** blanket!'

After a moment or two, he farted.


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi, Jerry.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, "magic dildo" and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there.

Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, "magic dildo, vagina." Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.

One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out "magic dildo, vagina." She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.

The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs.

"Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!" The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him "Officer I'm not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to loose control!"

The officer, not buying it, simply replied "Magic dildo, my ass."
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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What's the difference between a golf ball and G spot?

There's not a man in the world, who wouldn't devote 30 minutes of his life, looking for a golf ball.
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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A blonde meets with her old school friend, a brunette.
They start talking about their school lovers and the brunette tells: I slept with the Brazilian..
The blonde winks with surprise and asks: How many is a brazilian?
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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Hi folks,

This little old lady from Pasadena, in a Model A, is broke down on the side of the road.

Along comes a young man in his Lamborghini. He pulls over to help the old lady. After attempting to fix her problem he tells her the best he can do is tow her to the nearest garage.

She agrees and said she would honk her horn to let him know when they got to the garage.

Off they go when a beautiful young girl in a Ferrari flies past them. The young man, forgetting he was towing the old lady, floors it and is hot pursuit.

About a mile down the road they pass a trooper watching for speeders. As they pass, he wakes his partner..'Charlie I have seen it all now.'

'What did you see?'

'A Ferrari come flying by with a Lamborghini following it.' Charlie says. 'But close behind them was a little old lady in a Model A...and she was honking to pass...'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other people had been seen for days. Unexpectedly, they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed up to him and said,
"We're lost. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell," the old Jewish man said, "I vould definitely NOT go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader..

"Yah, yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nutting vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that, if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know the Jewish folks - they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre every one except the leader. He manages to escape back to where the old Jewish man is sitting and enjoying his drink. The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians. They killed everyone but me."

The Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "oy, vait a minute, vait a minute." He gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

OK, I admit; this one is a groaner.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.” He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards too. Most puzzling.”

So the magistrate kept listening: “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

The blonde got caught in a hailstorm, which put a lot of dents in her car. She drove to the body shop for a repair estimate, and the guy there decided to have a little fun.

He says to her, "You can fix this yourself for free."

Wide eyed, the blonde says "How can I do that?"

The guy says, "Just get down on your hands and knees, blow into the tailpipe, and it will pop all the dents out."

So the blonde drives home and tries it. She is huffing and puffing when her blonde friend drops by and says "What are you doing?"

The first blonde tells her, and the second blonde rolls her eyes and says "Well duh, you have to roll up the windows first!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A CEO throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators.

The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"

Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes.

The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."

The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me just who pushed me in the pool!!"


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

After drafting a will for an elderly client, the lawyer announced a fee of $100.

The client gave the lawyer a $100 bill.

After the client left, the lawyer saw that the client had in fact paid $200, as two of the client's $100 bills had stuck together.

Looking at the $100 overpayment, an ethical question arose in the lawyer's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Redneck were stranded in the desert.

The Italian carried a loaf of bread, the Frenchman a bottle of wine, and the Redneck the driver's door of a '57 Chevy.

The Frenchman asked the Italian, "What are you going to do with that loaf of bread?"

The Italian said, "When I get hungry, I'm going to eat it."

The Italian asked the Frenchman, "What are you going to do with that bottle of wine?"

The Frenchman said, "When I get thirsty, I'm going to drink it."

They then both looked at the Redneck and asked, 'What the H*** are you going to do with that car door?"

And the Redneck said, "When it gits too damn hot, A'm gonna roll down the winder!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Things Confucius DIDN'T Say:

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man' s well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A man walks into work with two black eyes.

His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in!"


B|

Jerry Baumchen

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