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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Switzerland .

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”

She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."

"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, and smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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This one fell flat for me. My dad retired O-6 and he was never late for work. I just can't imagine some one could get to flag rank and have trouble getting to work on time. (or want to work at walmart)
It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

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Hi folks,

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump...


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A woman's husband cheats on her. Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, and climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to supporting him, taking care of him. Now he has left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looked her in the eyes and said, "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You get one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".

The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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This time of year I like to grow my beard long. Since my beard is mostly white, the guys at work nicknamed me "Santa."

The other day, I was walking towards the trash compactor with a black garbage bag over my shoulder when a guy quipped "That is the first time I have seen Santa with a black bag!"
His facial expression revealed the wheels grinding behind ....
"I get it! You are delivering coal to all the bad girls and boys."
"Whilma's desk is over there!"

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***What does Satan do with all those hand baskets?
[/quo
..................................................................................................

That expression is based on a cruel truth.
A century and a half ago, Canada imported thousands of Chinese labourers to build a trans-Canada railroad. Racist white foremen were rough on Chinese labourers and hundreds of coolies died while blasting railway tunnels through the Rocky Mountains.
If it was getting close to pay-day, they would lower a Chinese blaster into a tunnel - in a whicker basket. Sneaky fireman sometimes gave them a short fuse, so that when they lit the fuse, dynamite exploded early, blowing them to hell.
The white foreman pocketed the coolie's pay.
Hope you enjoyed that racist piece of
Canadian history!

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Hi folks,

Craig & Susan were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. Susan suddenly noticed that Craig was missing and since they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.

Kind of annoyed with him, Susan said "Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

Craig said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down Susan's cheek and she got all choked up… "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

Craig said, "Well I am in the sports equipment store next door to that."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! --This is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young got annoyed and went back after a couple of days, figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't! That is gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young, after having lost $1000, left angrily and came back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so," Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You have got your eyesight back! That will be $500."

Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer."


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

This one is for John Kallend.

You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."

Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.

Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the work.

Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.

Santa travels a lot.

Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and I was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, I was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check in my luggage, I saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, I said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"OK, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"Sir, that's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Disclaimer: This one is a groaner.

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red. He stood looking out the windows of his palace one day while his wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!"

Without even looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It must be sleeting."

The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Irishrigger, this one is for you.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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