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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

The other day on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds...to continue shaving and when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much, I had to put on my seat belt and I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into my coffee which was between my legs, it splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Women drivers, I tell you . . .


Jerry Baumchen

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Taken from FB:

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Hi folks,

A Wyoming cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter asked, 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?'

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s*** out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'


B|

Jerry Baumchen

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One of my co-workers comes from Mexico.
We were discussing the drug trade, the Mexican Army's attempts to suppress drug-trafficking, etc. Eventually the conversation got around to Mexican Army uniforms. So I asked him what colour the uniforms were. We narrowed the conversation to two camouflage patterns: Cadpat and Marpat. When I asked which camouflage pattern?, he replied "I don't know. I have never seen them."

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Hi folks,

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Guy in Bar Harbor Maine, calls the cops to report his wife missing. Says she went Kayaking in the harbor and didn't return! Cops start a big search and call him the next day, saying they found the overturned Kayak, but no sign of the wife!

The next day they call and tell him they have Bad News, Good News and Better News! The Bad News is, they found the wife on the harbor bottom, drowned. The man asks what's the Good News.

Cop tells him that when they pulled her up, she had 12 of the finest Maine Lobsters that anyone can remember seeing since the 60"s clinging to her and the Fire Department thought he might want a share of them!

The man asks what's the Better news and the cop tells him they are going to pull her up again tomorrow!
Give one city to the thugs so they can all live together. I vote for Chicago where they have strict gun laws.

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Hi folks,

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play, so he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years of tradition and knowledge.

The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi speaks softly: "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish man says, "Well last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.

They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "Which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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OK Jerry, Here we go...

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed...
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."


:)
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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So many years in the military, so many jokes... B|

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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Hi Keith,

Quote

So many years in the military, so many jokes...



I was stationed in France 62-63. We had Armed Forces Network ( AFN ) for radio, no tv back then.

One evening the disc jockey said: 'For you guys in the Air Force it is 8 PM, for you guys in the Navy it is 8 bells, for you guys in the Army it is 2000 hours. And for you guys in the Marines, the big hand is on the eight & the little hand is on the 12.'

:)

True story, I heard it myself that evening,

Jerry Baumchen

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a army general, a navy admiral, and an air force general are at the pentagon finalizing their retirement. the final part was to calculate their retirement rate.

The genius's in the headshed devised a formula that consisted of a value times the distance between any two points on the retiree's body.

the three were briefed and in turn asked what two body points they wished to be used in the calculation

the navy admiral went with the tip of the nose to the end of right foot. The medic took the measurement, fed it into the computer and generated the rate.

the air force general went with the top of his head to the end of his left toe. he was measured and the rate was generated.

the two stuck around to see what the army general chose, and died laughing when he chose the tip of his nose to his right testicle.

when he drops his pants for the medic to make his measurement, the medic notices the right nut is missing, he asks the general where it is, he replies "got it shot off in a rice paddy in 'nam back in '65," now get to measuring.

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Hi folks,

A guy is walking on the beach with his wife, and his Mother-in-Law... He trips over something in the sand, and the M.I.L. laughs, and calls him a klutz.

Kind of ignoring her, he stoops down to see what he tripped over, and pulls an old oil lamp out of the sand.

The M.I.L. laughs again, and tells him that he's wasting his time... and theirs!

Undaunted; he decides to brush the dirt off of it, and see if there are any identification markings. As he rubs the lamp on his shirt, it starts smoking, there's a flash... and a Genie appears!

The M.I.L. tells him to throw it in the ocean, it's a waste of effort!

"You have but one wish... I will grant it for you, and give your Mother-in-Law twice what I give to you," says the Genie.

The man didn't hesitate for a split second: "I want you to beat me halfway to death!"


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

This one might be a repeat -> if so, so what?

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache."


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

How to Know That You Have Gotten Old:

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some Hot Wings and ice tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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