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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Nolan stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Nolan?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Davey attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davey asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'

Davey, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS delivery guy wants to buy Mom.'


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

A few hours later the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest......... until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.

She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Male logic

This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply, but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: So where is your airplane?


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

How Cold is It?

At 60 degrees: Californians reach for their sweaters.
At 50 degrees: Floridians pull out another blanket.
At 40 degrees: British Cars refuse to start.
At 30 degrees: Alaskans go swimming.
At 20 degrees: Folks in South Carolina start crying.
At 10 degrees: Real Estate values in Arizona start looking reasonable.
At 0 degrees: Canadians go swimming.
At-10 degrees: Residents of Michigan go to Football games.
At-20 degrees: Canadians will put on a Tee-Shirt.
At-30 degrees: Alskans will close the Bathroom Window.
At-40 degrees: Swedish cars refuse to start.
At-50 degrees: Canadians will bring in their lawn furniture; if they can find it in the snowbanks!
At-60 degrees: The thought of cutting firewood actually becomes pleasant.
At-70 degrees: You CAN watch daytime television!
At-80 degrees: The dog is under the covers with you. Even if he does have fleas!
At-90 degrees: Politicians will put their hands in their OWN pockets.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money........
A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband… She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

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Hi folks,

Tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby.Upon arriving he set down as the nurse told him, congratulations you wife had quintuplets! 5 big bouncy and healthy boys!
the redneck said " i am not surprised, i have a penis the size of a chimney " the nurse says to him, you might want to get it cleaned all the babys are black!
:o:o:o

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Hi folks,

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very, very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The old guy obeys and says, "99."

The doctor says , "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'."

The old guy begins, "One ... two ...three ..."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Just wanted to say, Jerry, that you perform a real service with your jokes. Thanks to Bigun for starting this thread, and yiu for being its favorite son.
Medical bills go down with laughter... :)

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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"Uh, good evening ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. We are presently cruising at about 12 feet from the ground and that scraping and tearing you can hear is the fuselage being ripped out from under us because I forgot to close the baggage doors and take up the wheels. If you look out the window you may see the terrified faces of those you love who came to wave you off as I plow into terminal four like a flaming arrow of apocalyptic wrath as I've never flown a plane before."

:S:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I was paroled."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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