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This is being discussed in the "Cars for Jerks" thread."

But I'm going to post it here.

One day a young boy was walking to school. He cut through an alley where he met a hooker.

“Hello little boy.” said the hooker as she waved her pinky finger at him.

‘What’s up with the pinky?’ thought the boy. After school the boy went back through the alley and the hooker was back again.

“Hello little boy,” she said and waved at him with her pinky finger.

‘Again with the pinky, what’s up with that?’ wondered the boy, ‘If she’s here again tomorrow I’ll ask.’ Sure enough the next morning the same thing happened.

“Hello little boy,” she said to the boy while waving her pinky finger at him.

“Why are you waving your pinky at me?” asked the boy.

“Because this is how big your penis is,” she replied. The boy walked away embarrassed and determined to get her back.

After school the boy again went down the alley and again the hooker greeted him.

“Hello little boy,” she said as she waved her pinky finger at him.

The little boy then put his fingers in his mouth, spread his lips as wide as they could strech, and answered,

“Hello, lady.”
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Hi folks,

1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

2. Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just 1 big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce, & cheese. OK fine, it was a pizza.

3. How to prepare Tofu: 1.Throw it in the trash. 2.Grill some Meat

4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

5. I don't mean to brag but ... I finished my 14-day diet in just 3 hrs & 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids & every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented...I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 50. I learn something new every day... & forget 5 others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money so I got up & searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead & call it a day.


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A shopper walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, a Sergeant from the local Air Force Base walked in and said to the shop keeper, "I'd like a line-service monkey please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, "That'll be $1,000.00" The Sarge paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the shopper went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them here are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah -- that was a line-service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Air Force aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with zero mistakes. He's well worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the shopper looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000.00 price tag. "That one's really expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a maintenance supervisor monkey. He can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The shopper looked around a little more and found another monkey in a cage at the back of the store. The price tag read $50,000.00. "Holy cow! What does this one do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer, flirt with the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,


1. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

2. Everyone has a photographic memory; some don't have film.

3. A day without sunshine is like ... night.

4. On the other hand you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

12. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

13. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

14. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

15. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

16. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

17. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

18. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

19. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-I'm great at multi-tasking...I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice...I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


Jerry Baumchen

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What do you call it when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

I don't know either.
But it sure can pick strawberries.
“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec quotes (Polish writer, poet and satirist 1906-1966)

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Hi folks,

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!”


Jerry Baumchen

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What do you call it when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?

I don't know either.
But it sure can pick strawberries.

Mexipusas Pickalotus
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Hi folks,

Green Tree Snakes (Dendrolaphis punctulata) can be dangerous.

Yes, tree snakes or grass snakes, not brown snakes or taipans. Here's why.

A couple in Townsville, had a lot of potted plants.

During a recent cold winter (for Townsville that is!), the wife was bringing some of the valued tender ones indoors to protect them from the cold night. It turned out that a little green tree snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The paramedics rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

Just then, the snake came out from under the sofa and one paramedic saw it. He dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the sofa. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbour, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at Woolies, saw her husband's apparently kissing the woman on the mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with her bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the curtains.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out of the yard and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning curtains and called in the fire brigade.

The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! The snake was caught and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later, the couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their potted plants for the night.


Jerry Baumchen

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Almost reminds me of the TV commercial for an insurance company that shows one thing leading to another, and another in a weird chain reaction at a home. It was hilarious.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES THE PASTOR'S A$$.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS THE BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS HER A$$ FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . .

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ...even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life! Stop worrying about everyone else's a$$ and just cover your own!!!


Jerry Baumchen

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