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fog52 last won the day on September 30 2019

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  1. A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life," She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again," Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life! "Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.
  2. You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over. 6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ." And can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating... * * * 1. You keep having to go home to pee.
  3. A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
  4. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams
  5. An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?' 'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?' Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!' There was dead silence on the line for a long moment........................................... Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
  6. After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another >man on > > > her nightstand by the bed. > > He begins to worry. > > "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. > > "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. > > "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. > > "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. > > "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be >reassured. > > "No, no, no!!!" she answers. > > "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. > > "That's me before the surgery."
  7. Today is my daughters 18th birthday....... > > > > > >I'm so glad that this is my last ...-damn > > child > > > > > >support payment. Month after month, year > > after > > > > > >year, those ...-damn payments! > > > > > >So I called my baby girl to come over to my > > > > > >house, and when she got there, I said to her, > > > > > >"Baby girl, I want you to take this last > > check > > > > > >over to your mother's house and tell her that > > > > > >this is the last damn check she's ever going > > to > > > > > >get from me, and I want you to tell me the > > > > > >expression on her face." So my baby girl took > > the > > > > > >check over to her. I was so anxious to hear > > what > > > > > >the witch had to say and what she looked > > like. As > > > > > >my baby girl walked though the door, I said, > > "Now > > > > > >what did she have to say?" > > > > > >"She told me to tell you that you ain't my > > > > > >daddy..."
  8. A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
  9. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you get lucky, and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
  10. A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year!" They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year!" The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year!!" The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." The husband is expected to recover
  11. Wish I could think so quickly. . . . A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their Seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and Asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer Complaints.
  12. After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, He beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all Just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."
  13. A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great "gag" gift, and what if it's more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."
  14. A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on" She told him "You are one hole behind me..I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarassed. I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on"? She told him "you are one hole behind me.. I'm on 14, you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. She said "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding, so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. After extensive pleading asking her what she sold she finally said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied " I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. You see, I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
  15. Three third graders from Alabama, (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid), are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggest that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie,' he says. 'Okay.' They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. 'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' 'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother. 'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?' Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.'