fog52

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Everything posted by fog52

  1. A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to".
  2. A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year!" They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year!" The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year!!" The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." The husband is expected to recover
  3. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. A Yankee, a Mexican, and a Texan. They go together with a White House official to examine the fence. The Yankee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Texan contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure!?!?" The Texan contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the Mexican to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.
  4. The Kindness of Strangers... IMG_5602.mov
  5. A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago." And what about the third rose ?" she asked. That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
  6. A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finishednit, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started."
  7. A Bad Day... > A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They > arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife > is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. > "He's on my bowling team." > > When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual & brings > over a Heineken. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and > says,"How does she know what you drink" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling > League, honey - we share lanes with them." > > A sexy stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around > Dave, and says "Hi Davey - want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's > wife, now furious, grabs her handbag and storms out of the club. Dave > follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he > jumps in beside her. > > He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for > someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at > the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. > > The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real > b*tch tonight, Davey."
  8. 25 Signs That You've Grown Up,,,,,, >1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. >2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. >3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. >4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. >5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. >6. You watch the Weather Channel. >7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "breakup." >8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. >9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." >10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door >won't turn down the stereo. >11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. >12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. >13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. >14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. >15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. >16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM >17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. >18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather >than settle, your stomach. >19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not >condoms and pregnancy tests. >20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." >21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. >22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to >drink that much again." >23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. >24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. >25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't >apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
  9. >There was once an Australian backwoodsman who had a son. The boy's mother >had died giving birth, and they had spent their entire lives in the >wilderness, so the boy had never seen a woman in his life. On the boy's >sixteenth birthday, the father decided it was time for the boy to learn >more about the ways of life. So they ventured forth into civilization, and >the father took the boy to a whorehouse. He explained the situation to the >madam, and she sent the boy to a room with one of her best girls. >When they were alone, the girl began taking off her blouse. When she did >so, the boy grabbed the end table and threw it out the window. The girls >shrugged it off and took off her pants. Then the boy grabbed the dresser >and threw it out the window. She still couldn't figure out what he was up >to, but she continued to remove her underwear, then stood in total >amazement as the boy pushed the bed out into the hall. "What on earth are >you doing?!?" the girl asked. >The boy replied, "I don't know what's about to happen here, mate, but if >it's anything like fucking a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we >can get!"
  10. language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
  11. In 1991, Duke University funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure. After Duke published the study, The University of Missouri-Columbia = decided=20 to do their own study. After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they=20 concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Kansas, unsatisfied with these findings, spent $13.27 (for a Playboy, Penthouse, and a case of Old Milwaukee) and concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
  12. A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life," She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again," Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life! "Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.
  13. You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and fall over. 6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask. 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ." And can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating... * * * 1. You keep having to go home to pee.
  14. A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
  15. "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." Tom Clancy "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." --Steve Martin "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." --Matt Barry "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --George Burns "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone "My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers) "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson " Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor) "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." --Rod Stewart "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams
  16. An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station...... The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?' 'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?' Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!' There was dead silence on the line for a long moment........................................... Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
  17. After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another >man on > > > her nightstand by the bed. > > He begins to worry. > > "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. > > "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. > > "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. > > "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. > > "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be >reassured. > > "No, no, no!!!" she answers. > > "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. > > "That's me before the surgery."
  18. Today is my daughters 18th birthday....... > > > > > >I'm so glad that this is my last ...-damn > > child > > > > > >support payment. Month after month, year > > after > > > > > >year, those ...-damn payments! > > > > > >So I called my baby girl to come over to my > > > > > >house, and when she got there, I said to her, > > > > > >"Baby girl, I want you to take this last > > check > > > > > >over to your mother's house and tell her that > > > > > >this is the last damn check she's ever going > > to > > > > > >get from me, and I want you to tell me the > > > > > >expression on her face." So my baby girl took > > the > > > > > >check over to her. I was so anxious to hear > > what > > > > > >the witch had to say and what she looked > > like. As > > > > > >my baby girl walked though the door, I said, > > "Now > > > > > >what did she have to say?" > > > > > >"She told me to tell you that you ain't my > > > > > >daddy..."
  19. A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
  20. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you get lucky, and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
  21. A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year!" They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year!" The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year!!" The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." The husband is expected to recover
  22. Wish I could think so quickly. . . . A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their Seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and Asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer Complaints.
  23. After the tourist had been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, He beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?" "Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to your room?" When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?" "Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure'preciate what y'all Just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."