fog52

FEMALE PRAYER > Before I lay me down to sleep, > I pray for a man, who's not a creep, > One who's handsome, smart and strong > One who loves to listen long, > One who thinks before he speaks, > One who'll call, not wait for weeks. > I pray he's gainfully employed, > When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. > Pulls out my chair and opens my door, > Massages my back and begs to do more. > Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, > Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?" > I pray that this man will love me to no end, > And always be my very best friend. > > Amen. > > > MALE PRAYER > > > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs > who owns a liquor store and a bass boat. > This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t > > Amen.

PEACH FARMER > > The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops > had been lost. > > Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only > way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the > middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So > he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town. > > Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took > a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. > > A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy > voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" > > Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really > nice peaches for sale". > > The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. > So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She > said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" > > Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really > good peaches." > > So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no > panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious > like this?" > > The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, > "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." > > She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" > > The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my > tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think > you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird." "Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it ! because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion." The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that." "Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him ! over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie." "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?" "Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...." Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

There was a man who really took care of his body. He > lifted > > >> weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he > looked > > >> into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he > was > > >> suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So > he > > >> decided to do something about that. He went to the > beach, > > >> completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the > sand, > > >> except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the > sand. > > >> > > >> A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along > the > > >> beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon > seeing the > > >> thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane > began to > > >> move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the > other > > >> little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice > in the > > >> world." > > >> > > >> The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by > that?" > > >> > > >> The first little old lady replied, "Look at that-when I > was 20, > > >> I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. > When I was > > >> 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When > I was 60, > > >> I prayed for it. And when I got to be 70, I forgot > about it. Now > > >> that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and > I'm too > > >> old to squat."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yellsback, Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! " Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, >"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

> ONLY AT WAL-MART > > If it isn't the lawyers trying to put Doctor's out > of business, it's > > Wal-Mart!! > > > > One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe > says to Mike behind > him, > > "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a > doctor." > > > > "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of > money," Mike replies. > > There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. > Just give it a urine > > sample and the computer will tell you what's > wrong and what to do > about > > it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a > lot cheaper than a > > doctor." > > > > So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and > takes it to > Wal-Mart. > > He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights > up and asks for the > > urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot > and waits. Ten > seconds > > later, the computer ejects a printout: > > > > "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm > water and avoid heavy > > activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank > you for shopping at > > Walmart. > > > > That evening while thinking how amazing this new > technology was, Joe > > began wondering if the computer could be fooled. > He mixed some tap > > water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples > from his wife and > > daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe > hurries back to > > Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits > ten dollars, pours > in > > his concoction, and awaits the results. > > > > The computer prints the following: > > > > 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water > softener.(Aisle 9) > > 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with > anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle > 7) > > 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into > rehab. > > 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't > yours. Get a lawyer. > (Kiosk > > #2) > > 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your > elbow will never get > > better. > > > > Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

>When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well then, why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon. I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur . He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? What would YOU do? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now....what is the moral to this story? Scroll down The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly

> Have you ever had one of those days? > > Divers out of Louisiana perform underwater repairs on offshore drilling > rigs. Below is an email one sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have > had a bad day at the office, remember this letter.... > > True story................ > > Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad > day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must > bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies > at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This > time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: > > We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap > sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp, then pumps > it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. > Now this sounds like a good plan, and I've used it several times with no > complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take > the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck, this floods my whole suit > with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. > > Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. > So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few > seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the > damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened... > > The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. > This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had > that hose down my back I don't have any hair on my > back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. The crack of my butt > was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was > actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. > > I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His > instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers > were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. > > I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling > 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry > decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My > suit and gear were tied to the bell. > > When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his > face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to put it on my butt when I get > in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap for > two days because my butt was swollen shut. I later found out that this could > easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward > side of the ship. > > Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think > about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up > your butt. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope > this will make them more tolerable.

Favorite Oldie....... > ETHEL WAS A BIT OF A DEMON IN HER WHEEL CHAIR AND LOVED TO > CHARGE > AROUND THE NURSING HOME, TAKING CORNERS ON ONE > WHEEL AND GETTING UP TO MAXIMUM SPEED ON THE LONG > CORRIDORS. > BECAUSE THE WOMAN WAS ONE SANDWICH SHORT OF A PICNIC ... > (ISN'T THAT A GREAT STATEMENT) THE OTHER RESIDENTS > TOLERATED HER, AND SOME OF THE MALES ACTUALLY JOINED IN. > ONE DAY, ETHEL WAS SPEEDING UP ONE CORRIDOR WHEN A DOOR > OPENED AND KOOKY CLARENCE STEPPED OUT WITH HIS ARMS > OUTSTRETCHED STOP HE SHOUTED IN A FIRM VOICE, HAVE YOU > GOT A LICENSE FOR THAT THING? > ETHEL FISHED AROUND IN HER HANDBAG AND PULLED OUT A KIT > KAT WRAPPER AND HELD IT UP TO HIM. OKAY, HE SAID, AND > AWAY ETHEL SPED DOWN THE HALL. AS SHE TOOK THE CORNER > NEAR THE TV LOUNGE ON ONE WHEEL, WEIRD HAROLD POPPED OUT > IN FRONT OF HER AND SHOUTED, S T O P HAVE YOU GOT PROOF > OF INSURANCE?? ETHEL DUG INTO HER HANDBAG, PULLED > OUT A DRINK COASTER AND HELD IT UP TO HIM.. HAROLD > NODDED AND SAID, CARRY ON MA'AM. > AS ETHEL NEARED THE FINAL CORRIDOR BEFORE THE FRONT > DOOR, CRAZY CRAIG STEPPED OUT IN FRONT OF HER, STARK > NAKED, HOLDING A VERY SIZABLE ERECTION IN HIS HAND. > OH, GOD!!!!, SAID ETHEL ......"NOT THE BREATHALYZER > AGAIN"

Today's Oldie but Goodie...... After reading whining post after whining post that have nothing to do with skydiving whatsoever, I've decided to start my own damn thread that ACTUALLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SKYDIVING! It seems to me that the main reason MOST folks don't have a cypres is COST. If there was a reliable alternative to the cypres at a price everyone could afford, almost everyone would have one! Better yet...a design anyone with even basic electrical knowledge can build themselves! So here's my easy to follow plans: All you need is a battery, a CYPRES loop cutter, and a bite switch like those used by many freefall photographers for their still camera. Simply hook the loop cutter up to your reserve closing loop like an ordinary CYPRES. Make a circuit of the loop cutter leads, the battery and the bite switch. Before the skydiving day begins....turn the unit on by securely taping the battery to your lower back...just below your rig. Now insert the bite switch securely into your ass. You may want to request to aid of a good friend to help you on this part. Then again...maybe you don't. If you can't figure out how this unit operates....I can't help ya. Firing setpoints will vary from unit to unit. And from asshole to asshole. It'll be nice to know that your life is no longer in your hands....but rather, stuck up your ass. And won't we all get to know each other a little better when we make sure our buddy's AAD is turned on during a pin check. I'm sure I'll need some kind of warning label for my new AAD....any ideas?

> >At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. > >Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their > > > >wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is > > > >concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they > > > >spend the entire night together. > > > > > > > >After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and > > > >the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door > > > >opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. > > > >They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and > > > >she prepares to go to sleep. > > > > > > > >After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, > > > >and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat > > > >surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are > > > >done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. > > > > > > > >She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is > > > >back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, > > > >ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris > > > >gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly > > > >impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I > > > >have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good > > > >once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." > > > > > > > >Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I > > > >was here already?" > > > > > > > >Alzheimers - it has its advantages.

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird >>section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." >>The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. >>"Yeah, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. >>The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, >>leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up, and drive to the top of the Conor Pass. >>At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks >>like a grand place." >>He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off >>the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself >>stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his >>head and says: "Dis BUDGIE JUMPING ya, its too dangerous for me." >> >>BUT WAIT!!!!....There's MORE! >> >>PART TWO: >>Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop >>too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in >>one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Vatch dis," Ole says. >>He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the >>cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the >>parrot. Ole continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom >>and breaks every bone in his body. Hans shakes his head and says, "And >>I'm never trying dat PARROTSHOOTING either." >> >>BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!! >> >>PART THREE: >>Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. >>He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he >>pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his >>head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he >>hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First >>der vas Sven with his BUDGIE JUMPING, den Ole and his PARROT SHOOTING >> ...... and now der goes Lars, HENGLIDING..............."

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. Men never learn.

>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart >covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. > > > >Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The > >heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At > >that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. > > > >When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own >funeral > > >-- I'm a gynecologist." > > >At that point, the proctologist fainted.

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical Testing Laboratory.When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's." "That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

> Little Firefighter > > > Gotta love this little one > A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a > little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a > garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet. > > The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. > "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with > admiration. > > "Thanks," the girl says. > > When the fire fighter takes a closer look, he notices the girl has > tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. > > "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you > how to run your rig, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's > Collar, I think you could go faster." > > The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but > then I wouldn't have a siren."

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. "Now," she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

A bit of news maybe you already knew about: "What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started."

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with it." The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there." "But what about the smell?" said the wife. "Just hold its little nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

Engineering In Hell An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

> Comprehending Engineers - Take One > Two engineering students were walking across campus when one > said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer > replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business > when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the > ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The > second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes > probably wouldn't have fit." > > Comprehending Engineers - Take Two > To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is > half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. > > Comprehending Engineers - Take Three > A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a > particularly > slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must > have been waiting for 15 minutes!". The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, > but I've > never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the > greenskeeper. > Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead > of > us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, > that's a > group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse > from a fire > last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was > silent > for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special > > prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to > contact > my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." > The > engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" > > Comprehending Engineers - Take Four > What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? > Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets. > > Comprehending Engineers - Take Five > "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers > believe > that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."