fog52

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great "gag" gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on" She told him "You are one hole behind me..I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarassed. I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on"? She told him "you are one hole behind me.. I'm on 14, you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. She said "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding, so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. After extensive pleading asking her what she sold she finally said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied " I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. You see, I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

Three third graders from Alabama, (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid), are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggest that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie,' he says. 'Okay.' They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. 'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' 'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother. 'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?' Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.'

A woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a highly regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of the little buggers...carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing this very un-macho display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display! She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side. All the while thinking to herself, Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - maybe he could be the father of my children!" She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, "So? How was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf

>What men say during a colonoscopy......... > > > > A physician claimed that the following are actual > > comments made by his patients while he was > > performing their colonoscopies: > > > > 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no > > man has gone before!" > > > > 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" > > > > 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" > > > > 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we > > there yet?" > > > > 5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally > > married." > > > > 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?" > > > > 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left > > hand out..." > > > > 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" > > > > 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" > > > > 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." > > > > 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't > you?" > > > > 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay." > > > > And the best one of them all... > > > > "Doc could you write a note for my wife saying that > > my head, is in fact, not up there."

This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you > > out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for > > you. > > > > An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for > > being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a > > passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. > > > > A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was > > re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. > > > > Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his > > ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has > > to be FIRST CLASS." > > > > The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, > > but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to > > work something out." > > > > The passenger was unimpressed.? He asked loudly, so that the > > passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU? HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" > > > > Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address > > microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice > > heard > > clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate > > 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his > > identity, please come to Gate 14." > > > > With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man > > glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". > > > > Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have > > to get in line for that too."

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. The sign on the cage said $50. "Why so cheap?" she asked the pet storeowner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she'll have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam!" The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad." When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class > >section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently > >wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. > > > >The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman > >sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite > >violently once more. > > > >Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about > >the shuddering. > > > >A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, > >she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than > >before. > > > >Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and > >said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, > >wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?" > > > >"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare > >medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." > > > >The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never > >heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for > >it?" > > > >"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll show you. ~ Do you own a weed eater?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll show you. ~ Do you have a weed eater?" "No." "Then you're a queer."

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather hot-looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper from my bachelor party I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!" "Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........

There was girl who was a prostitute, but her grandmother didn't know about her occupation. One day, the police rounded up a group of pros and the girl was busted. The cops had all the girls lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the granny walked by and saw her granddaughter, she asked the girl, "What are you lining up for?" The granddaughter, not willing to reveal the truth, told her grandmother that she was lining up for some free oranges. Well, grandma, not one for passing up something free, joined the back of the line. A policeman who was going down the lineup taking information from each girl, soon reached the grandmother. He was stunned and bewildered to see her so, he asked carefully, "Ma'am, you're rather old to be out here, how do you still do it?" Grandma proudly replied, "Oh, it's easy, I just take out my teeth and suck 'em dry."

HER DIARY: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY: Harley wouldn't start today, I just can't figure it out, but at least I got laid..

> Subject: A Little Bit Country > > A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, > getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a > table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body > and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. > Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, > and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't > wait to get on the road again..." The student was amazed, and placed the > cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. > Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner > over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student > told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road > again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..." "So what?", the > Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's > discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked > the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing > country music."

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.' The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go ; home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.' In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and pun ishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Drop Zones' in the phone book.

Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife, legs spread wide, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John...upon trying to sit up again...hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked... "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, yes he did. She said... "You can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of his offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00PM Friday afternoon. When Friday rolls around, John shows up at Bill's house for the planned tryst with his wife at 2:00PM sharp...and after paying her the agreed upon $500.00, they go to her bedroom and close their sexual transaction as Sue had promised. Afterwards, John quickly dresses and leaves. As was his habit, at 6:00PM, Bill returned home from work. Upon entering the House and encountering his wife he asks abruptly... "Did John come by the house this afternoon? With a lump in her throat, Bill's wife answers... "Why yes, he did stop by here for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skips a beat when her husband curtly asks... "And did he give you $500.00?" In terror she assumes she's somehow been found out, and after mustering up her best poker face she replies... "Well, yes...in fact he did give me five hundred dollars." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprises his wife by saying... "Good, I was hoping so. John came by my office this morning and borrowed five hundred dollars from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.

Wait for it...

It was my first time visiting Dr. Putz for a colonoscopy. I went into his office for my very first rectal exam. His new blond nurse, Ethel, took me to an examining room. She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A Tube of K-Y jelly, A rubber glove And a beer. When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse: "Damn it, Ethel! I said a BUTT light."

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery.. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since

10 Reasons Why Guns Are Better Than Women... 10 You Can Trade an Old 44 for a New 22 9 You Can Keep One Handgun at Home and Have Another For The Road 8 If You Admire a Friend's Handgun, He'll Probably Let You Try It Out 7 Your Primary Handgun Doesn't Mind if You Keep Another One For a Backup 6 Your Handgun Will Stay With You Even if You Run Out of Ammo 5 A Handgun Doesn't Take Up a Lot of Closet Space 4 Handguns Function Normally Every Day of the Month 3 A Handgun Doesn't Ask, "Do These New Grips Make Me Look Fat?" 2 A Handgun Doesn't Mind if You Go To Sleep After You Use It 1 You Can Buy a Silencer For a Handgun

<< A couple were golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband asked. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." (And neither did the wife.) The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing..." >>

> > > A woman was helping her husband set up his > > computer, and at the > > > appropriate point in the process, the computer > > advised him that he would > > > now, need to enter a password. Something he will > > use to log on. > > > > > > > > > The husband was in a rather amorous mood and > > figured he would try for > > > the shock effect to bring this to his wife's > > attention. > > > > > > > > > So, when the computer asked him to enter his > > password, he made it > > > plainly obvious to his wife, what he was > > entering by stating each letter > > > out loud as he typed : > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > P... E... N... I... S. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > His wife fell off her chair laughing when the > > computer replied: > > > > > > > > > *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

>>> > > THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY >>> > > +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ >>> > > >>> > > Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids >>> > > Bad: You can't find your birth control pills >>> > > Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them >>> > > >>> > > >>> > > Good: Your son studies a lot in his room >>> > > Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. >>> > > Ugly: You're in them >>> > > >>> > > Good: Your husband understands fashion >>> > > Bad: He's a cross-dresser >>> > > Ugly: He looks better than you >>> > > >>> > > Good: Your son's finally maturing >>> > > Bad: He's involved with the woman next door >>> > > Ugly: So are you >>> > > >>> > > Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter >>> > > Bad: She keeps interrupting >>> > > Ugly: With corrections >>> > > >>> > > Good: Your wife's not talking to you >>> > > Bad: She wants a divorce >>> > > Ugly: She's a lawyer >>> > > >>> > > Good: The postman's early >>> > > Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 >>> > > Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas >>> > > >>> > > Good: Your daughter got a new job >>> > > Bad: As a hooker >>> > > Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients >>> > > Way ugly: She makes more money than you do >>> > > >>> > > Good: You're son is dating someone new >>> > > Bad: It's another man >>> > > Ugly: He's you're best friend >>> > > >>> > > Good: You're wife is pregnant. >>> > > Bad: It's triplets >>> > > Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

>>>LITTLE JOHNNY ON SEX > > > >>> > > > >>>Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one > > > day only to catch > > > >>>him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a > > > condom onto his penis > > > >>>in preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's > > > father in attempt to > > > >>>hide his full erection with a condom on it bent > > > over as if to look > > > >>>under the bed. > > > >>> > > > >>>Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" > > > >>> > > > >>>His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a > > > rat go underneath the > > > >>>bed." > > > >>> > > > >>>To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, > > > fuck him?"

Little Johnny came running into the house and > > > asked, "Mommy, can > > > >>>little > > > >>> girls have babies?" > > > >>>"No," said his Mom, "of course not." > > > >>>Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom > > > heard him yell to > > > >>>his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game > > > again!"

>Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher > > > says, 'Today we are > > > >>>going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does > > > anybody have an > > > >>>example of a > > > >>> multi-syllable word?' > > > >>>Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, > > > me, me!' > > > >>>Miss Rogers: All right, little Johnny, what is > > > your multi-syllable > > > >>>word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss > > > Rogers smiles and > > > >>>says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' > > > Little Johnny says, > > > >>>'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."