fog52

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish." "Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!" "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Hope you got a chuckle.......

SENSITIVITY TRAINING 1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. 2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Heather. 3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. 4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether" 5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. 6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!" 7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." 8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

Yea, I have been bad about not posting. I'll try to remedy that.

Yea........ I just come for the jokes anymore but even they are dropping off.

Well, we're not so small anymore and we're still hooked on Macs and using Burble and love it! Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

Trails in the Sand by Yun Hung Lo Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

A Positive Attitude Late in the night, a bull rider finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in terrible pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down." Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your boobs, then?" AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before. I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what the hell to do with it! Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

Andy Rooney on Sex: 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..." 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly. 8. Virginity can be cured. 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity. 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small. 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under. 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing. 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't. 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Answer: Breasts don't have eyes. 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives! Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!" Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: "1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want." The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked: "What was the1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle. Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

> After 35 years of marriage, a > husband > and wife came for counseling. > > > > When asked what the problem > was, the > wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had > ever had in the years > they had been married. > On > and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, > loneliness, feeling > unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet > needs she had > endured. > > > > Finally, after allowing this > for a > sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked > around the desk and > after asking the wife to stand, > he embraced and kissed her > long and > passionately as her husband watched – with a raised > eyebrow. > > The woman shut up and quietly > sat down as though > in a daze. > > > > The therapist turned to the > husband > and said: > "This is what your wife > needs at > least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" > > > > "Well, I can drop her off > here on > Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish." Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot. "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed. So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me! The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills." So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked. "Viagra," she replied. "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth." Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "one." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" the kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101.237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" The kid said, "first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. The I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing!" Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS: 1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 6. The older you get, the better you realize you were. 7. I doubt, therefore I might be. 8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening. 11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 13. A fool and his money are soon partying. 14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? (The rest of these are reruns...) 16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery. 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? 18. If God dropped acid, would he see people? 19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? 20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? 23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? 24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. 
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' 

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. 

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. 

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.... Do you think we could...?’ At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.' Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum