fog52

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: Dave............................... Dave...................... Dave........... You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard".

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my privates inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A truly gorgeous Blonde gal timidly spoke up ........."I'll try It! Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

Just another boogie pic......

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably drinking beer at the bar with his friends."

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... Now give me back my dog."

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to > spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof > of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, > on the second, she decided that no one could see her way > up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. > > She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up > the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just > pulled a towel over her rear. > > "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant > manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the > stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the > roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a > bathing suit as you did yesterday." > > "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather > calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm > covered with a towel." > > "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're > lying on the dining room skylight."

Thoughts for when you're bored.. 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." 3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? 10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 14. Stop singing and read on.......... 15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital > when > during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was > masturbating > furiously. > > "Oh my GOD!!"! screamed the woman, " That's disgraceful!!! Why is > he > doing that??" > > The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very > sorry > that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition > where > his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at > least > 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could > easily > rupture". > > "Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman. > > In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was > obvious > that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. > > Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?" > > Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, better health > plan."

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

Charity begins at home...... A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the rep mumbled, "Um...no." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "...and if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?!"

20 CHINESE PROVERBS > > > > > > > > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone. > > > > > > > > Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get > > > > exhausted. > > > > > > > > Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day. > > > > > > > > Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ. > > > > > > > > Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. > > > > > > > > Man with one chopstick go hungry. > > > > > > > > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. > > > > > > > > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. > > > > > > > > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. > > > > > > > > Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth. > > > > > > > > War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. > > > > > > > > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. > > > > > > > > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. > > > > > > > > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. > > > > > > > > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. > > > > > > > > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. > > > > > > > > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. > > > > > > > > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. > > > > > > > > Man who fart in church sit in own pew. > > > > > > > > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy, asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My penis died today, and I am very sad" Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like this. "Please put your penis back inside your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy. "Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing

Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days! "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no!" "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't!" With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm P olish because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when thephone number was called. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said,"Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer looke d at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "no, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What" He had two assholes ? asked the mortician. Yup, I've never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

> Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. > > 1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air > conditioner!" > > 2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?" > > 1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" > > 2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one > of them new fangled warshin' machines!" > > 1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?" > > 2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!" > > 3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer > wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer > some change, and I found 6 condoms in there." > > 1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?" > > 3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

>After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided >11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. > >So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his >cousin didn't want to have any more children. > >The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that >could fix the problem but that it was expensive. > >A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry >bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, >put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count >to 10. > >The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the >world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to >my ear is going to help me." > >"Trust me," said the doctor. > >So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. > >He held the can up to his ear and began to count: > >"1" >"2" >"3" >"4" >"5" > >At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and >resumed counting on his other hand. > >This procedure also works in Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, West >Virginia, Arkansas and parts of Missouri.

I might get kicked off the site for this one... Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. > He has two large bags over his shoulders. > The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" > "Sand," answered Juan. > > The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." > The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them > out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight > and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing > but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand > into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him > cross the border. > > A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, > "What have you got?" > > "Sand," says Juan. > > The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags > contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan > crosses the border on his bicycle. > > This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. > Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a > Cantina in Mexico. > > "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. > It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. > Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" > > Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Another Oldie... >A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" >The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. >So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" >The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" >The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."

An oldie....... >A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm > >count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and > >bring me back a sample tomorrow. The next day the 75 year old man > >reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as > >clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, "What > happened, > >didn't I ask you to bring me back a sperm sample?" The man went on to > >explain, "Well doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, > but > >nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I > asked > >my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then she > >tried her left hand, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, > first > >with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even > >called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her > mouth > >too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" > The > >old man replied, "Yep , but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the > > >damned jar open."

The Gentle Marine As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the flight attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was just about to make my selection for this flight.