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Everything posted by irishrigger

  1. When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she wasinstantly attracted to him…… and during her questions about his life, she askedhim if he had ever had sex.“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.Jane explained to him what it was.Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk oftree.”Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, butI will show you how to do it properly.”She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You mustput it in here.”Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane hisconsiderable manhood, stepped closer to her andkicked her right in the crotch!Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like aneternity.Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed,“What did you do that for?!”Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”
  2. An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache."
  3. Hi all, I was given a Emergency Pilot rig for a repack and when I opened it I found that the Rubber Bands had disintegrated as in the pictures. Looking for advice as to what is the best way to clean this up from the lines???
  4. Very sad news today, it seems that Tom Noonan from UPT, passed away suddenly and very much unexpectedly. Its reported he had a medical episode that he did not recover from. I had the please of meeting him on several occasions and what a great guy. Fly free Brother and RIP My deepest condolences to Julie and his family and all his friends around the world.
  5. A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
  6. A man and woman are having a quiet and romantic dinner at a fine restaurant.they lovingly staring at each other and holding hands. A waitress serving another table notices that the lady is starting to slip down her chair and below the table, while the man stares straight ahead. The waitress now realises that the woman has completely disappeared under the table and out of sight. Thinking that this behaviour is risque and worried what other customers might think, she approaches the table and tactfully says to the man, Excuse me Sir, it appears that your wife has slipped under the table! The man looks up at the waitress and says, no she hasn't, she just fucking walked in!!!
  7. Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retired skydivers. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.
  8. My Personal preference and recommendation is to go with the CYPRES. In my Opinion they have been the most reliable AAD on the Market. Irish Rigger
  9. I been around almost 30 years but never seen or heard of this one before!!! Vow what a crazy situation and a miracle that everyone walked away form this one! @Micheal Mullins, thank you for posting this with the Pictures!
  10. Hi, is it possible to retrofit a MARD into a Wings container? Container is from 2006. has anyone on here done it or does it have to be shipped back to manufacturer? I had a look on their website but cannot not see anything. also have not worked on a Wings with a MARD Thanks Irish
  11. A guy goes to the Council to apply for a Job. The interviewer asks him, Are you Allergic to anything? He replies, Yes Caffeine, I cant Drink coffee! Ok, have you ever been in the Military Service? Yes , he says, I was in Iraq for 2 Tours. Interviewer say that will get you 5 Extra Bonus Point towards employment. are yo disabled in anyway? the guys says, Yes, a bomb exploded near me and i lost both of my Testicles. Ok says the Interviewer, you got enough Points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are fro 08.00-16.00. you can start tomorrow at 10 and plan on Starting at 10 every other day after that. the guy is a bit puzzled and asks, If the working hours are from 08.00 to 16.00 why don't you want me here till 10?? This is a Government Job! for the first 2 hours we just stand around drinking Coffee and scratching our balls. No point you coming in for that!!
  12. Hi all, Can someone please answer me this? why is there only 2 main political party's in the US?? I know a couple independents have run in the past but any reason why there is only Republicans or Democrats? sometimes some of the candidates are both not electable. so just curious why so little choice? Here in Ireland we have about 5-6, which gives us some choice at least, but of course that can lead to a "Hung Parliament" which we have at the moment. (we have a 3 Party coalition at the moment who are not doing a great job ) Rodger
  13. A good Catholic Joke The Pope and Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. the Pope leans towards trump and says " do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with Joy? This Joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and Rejoice!!! Trump replied "i seriously doubt that! with one little wave of your hand?.... show me!" so the Pope backhanded him in the face and knocked him of the stage! and the crown Roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness through the land
  14. Hi Andreya, Wonderful News and Many Congratulations When is the big day and do you know what it is yet?
  15. I do not know the details of this Video or the instructor but the Instructors performance was very poor on this jump to say the least He was not anywhere near to be in a position to assist the Student when it mattered most. but as Skybitch mentioned, i also be concerned about the student and or his training. make 2 attempts to pull then go for reserve deployment. some one should pull the instructor aside and have a talk with with him about his/ her performance and get their side of the story. Glad the AAD worked
  16. A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray." The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
  17. GOLFERS ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE.... 1. A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband. The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you. "Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly. "No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
  18. Just saw the below on the news feed. :) :) given a surprise joy ride in a Military aircraft! quick briefing, then accidentally ejects himself trying to make himself comfortable because Straps were not tight enough. you could not make stuff up like that and i am sure heads will roll over this :) Rodger
  19. A Techno Reserve is a Parachute de France canopy if memory serves me right!?!? If that is the case have a look at the max suspended weight on the Label, i believe it was very low comparing to other Reserves out there. i would highly recommend that you do NOT jump with with a high wing loading. I saw 2 people trying to land a Techno reserve with high wing loading's and both canopies collapsed as they flared and they had very rough landings 1 of those people i refused to pack the Techo for as he had a wing loading of 1.5 and i told him it was not safe for him to jump as he was way outside the recommended limits. he went off in a huff and got another rigger to pack it. after that landing he came to me and said sorry that he did not heed my advise and bought a different reserve of me. Rodger
  20. Hi Bkeleven, did you give the Serial number of the rig to the manufacturer? they should be able to tell you if it was build with the set up. since your rig is 2018 i would imagine it is, so happy days for you then it is a simple job to do for your rigger, just purchase the Freebag with Skyhook from PS or a dealer as stated. For me personally, i am a very big fan of the Skyhook and i think it is a good choice to add it and have it on your rig. But i do hope you never have to use it Blue Skies and Safe Landings Rodger
  21. It would depend on the rig, some might be easy retrofit, (if the rig was initially set up for that), but others would require a whole lot of major work and a complete headache. On some it would certainly affect the T.S.O of the container!! I would not do that type of work on a rig, without manufactures approval even though i am a Master Rigger. You could be opening a huge can of worms for yourself and legal action! best you contact the Manufacturer of the container and seek guidance from them and see if they allow it.
  22. Hi Jimmy, wishing you a very speedy recovery and sending the very best of Vibes from Ireland! IrishRigger
  23. DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards Richard Max feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shoots Richard dead. He returned home, shoots his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard. SECOND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Checker had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
  24. Irish Paddy was telling his friend Mike about his first Skydive. When i got to the Door i completely froze and could not move. after a few seconds the 6'7 Black instructor unzipped his pants and took out his 14' dick and said "if you don't jump i am going to stick this thing up your arse!!!" So Mike asked Paddy did you jump?? Paddy replies, A little bit when it first went in!!!
  25. A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”