irishrigger

A husband Archer and wife Courtney are playing golf on a weekend. They are on the eighth hole when the Courtney suddenly slips and falls into place. “Help me love,” Courtney groans to Archer. So the husband calls nine-one-one on his cell phone, talks for a minute, then he picks up his lofter and lines up his shot. Courtney uses all her strenght to raise her head off the pitch and stares at him as she gasps, “I sprained my foot here and you’re still playing?” “Don’t worry, honey,” says the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you. “Well, how long will it take for him to get here?” Courtney asks feebly. “Oh no time at all,” says Archer. “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

Matt went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient in his business life. The doctor reassured him, “In over twenty five years I haven’t laughed at a single patient because I always remain completely professional.” With that Matt dropped his jeans revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t bigger than a Duracell alcaline battery. The doctor just couldn’t help himself and burst into uncontrollable laughter before composing himself and saying, “I’m sorry, I really am, I don’t know what happened to me. I promise it will not happen again. Now what is the problem?” Matt said, “It’s swollen.”

Caitlyn is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door then opens it.Caitlyn sees a guy standing in front of the door. He asks the lady, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door in angrily. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same guy and he asks the same question to her, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?” She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband Jason comes home from work Caitlyn tells him what has happened for the last two days. Jason tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Darling, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.” The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. Jason whisperes to Caithlyn, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.” She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same guy is standing there, he asks, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?” “Yes I do.” says the lady. The guy replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

A frog goes to a seer to find out if he will ever be lucky in love. The seer reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” The frog wants to learn good news at first. The seer says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give your heart to her.” “That’s awesome!” says the frog. “But what’s the bad news?” “Well, you’re going to meet her in Biology class.

Jelena walks into a Bmw salesmanship. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she mistakenly breaks Wind. She felt very ashamed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a salesman doesn’t pop up right now. As Jelena turns around, her worst nightmare comes true in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool like Johnny Depp and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, “Good day, Madame. How may I help you today?” Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, Jelena asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely car?” Salesman answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

The Pope had just finished a tour and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked to the driver if he could drive for awhile. Well, the driver didn’t have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limousine and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto highway and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 100 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue-red lights of the Traffic Police in his mirror. He pulls over and the police officer comes to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, says, “Just a moment please, I need to call in.” The police calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he’s got a really important person pulled over, and how to handle it. “It’s not Edward Kennedy again is it?” replies the chief. “No Sir!” responded the police, “This guy is more important.” “Is it the Governor?” replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replies the officer. “Is it the Mr.President? replied the chief. “No! Even more important!” replies the police officer. “Well.Who is this fucking guy?”screams the chief. “I don’t know Sir” replies the police officer.“But he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”

Police on horse says to little girl on little pink bike, “Did Santa Claus get you that?” “Yes” answers the little girl. “Well please tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!” and fines her 5 bucks. The little girl looks up at the police and says, “Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa Clause bring you that?” The police giggles and replies, “He sure did!” “Well,” says the little girl, “Next year tell Santa Claus that the dick goes under the horse,not on top of it!”

Farmer Joe walks into a bar with his bull. He says, “I will give any of you 500 bucks if you can make my bull laugh.” A man yells, “I’ll take that bet,” and leads the horse into the men’s room. After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. Joe screams to the man, “OK, I’ll give you 1000 bucks if you can make my bull cry.” The man shouts, “You’re on!” After a few more seconds, the man exits with the bull trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Thunderstrucked, the farmer asks, “How did you do it?” The man replies, “I said that my reed was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him.”

Clive and his wife Silvia were awakened at 3:30 am by a loud pounding on the door.Clive gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain,is asking for a push. “Not a chance,” yells Clive, “it is 3:30 in the morning!” He slams the door and comes back for sleep. “Who was that?” asks Silvia. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”he answers. “Did you help him?” Silvia asks. “No, I did not, it is 3:30 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”Clive replies. “Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.”Can’t you remember about four months ago when we broke down,and those two guys helped us?I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself! Lord loves drunk people too.” Clive says”All right!”and gets dressed,goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the darkness,”Hey,are you still there?” “Yes” comes back the answer. “Do you still need a push?” calls out Clive. “Yes, please!” comes the reply from the darkness. “Where are you?”asks the bleary-eyed husband. “Over here on the swing set,”replies the drunk guy.

A wealthy old man goes for his regular round of bowling with his fellows but this time he brings along a beautiful young lady. “Guys,meet my prospective bride” he says,full of pride as he introduces her to his friends. For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the charming beauty. After the round of bowling the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group. One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him,”How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young woman?You’re sixty seven.She must be at least fourty years younger than you!” The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.” His friend says,”And she believed you? How old did you say you were?” “I told her I was ninety five.”

Carol and Rick take their son Marty on holiday to a nude beach.Rick goes for a walk on the beach and Marty goes and plays in the water.Carol takes a sunbath on the sunbed. Marty comes running up to his mom Carol and says;”Mom,I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!” The mother says;”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So Marty goes back to play.A few minutes later,he comes running back and says;”Mom,I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Dad’s!”The mom says;”The bigger they are, the dumber they are.” So he goes back to play.After about five minutes later Marty comes running back and says;”Mom, I just saw Dad talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked,the dumber and dumber he got!”

A rainy night little Ashley afraid of the sound of thunder.She decides to go to her parents room.She sees her mother and father while having sex.The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter Ashley looking at them she directly stops. Ashley asks;“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.” Little Ashley replies, “Well,mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”Her mother has a confused look on Ashley’s face and says; “Why do you say that sweetheart?” The little girl replies,“Because mommy,everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

An older couple Olivia and Percival,who were both widowed,had been going out with each other for long years.Urged on by their friends,our couple decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding day,they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances,living arrangements,and so on.Finally, the old gentleman Percival decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked,rather tentatively. “I would like it infrequently “, Olivia replied. Percival sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,scratched his jaw then leaned over towards her and whispered,“Is that one word or two?”

A young couple have fallen on hard times, he has just lost his job and having trouble getting a new one. meanwhile the bills kept building up and they were now in serious financial struggle. the husband was at loss on what to do as the bank wanted to repossess their house. they talked about what they can do to get out of the mess they were in. the wife suggest that she should head for the red light district and start working as a hooker to make ends meet. the husband said no way but a couple weeks later agreed as they had no other choice and he was in despair. so she gets dressed in mini skirt etc and make up, the husband drives her to the area and stays around keeping an eye on her to make sure she is safe. as she is standing there a car pulls up and she starts talking to driver, when she walks over to her husband and asks they forgot to discuss what she should charge for her service. 100 bucks for full service and 50 bucks for BJ and 20 for Hand relief. she heads back to the client but after a short while returns to her husband. whats wrong he asks. the wife explains he had only 20 bucks on him so just wanted hand relief. but as he pulled down his pants out came a big thick 12 cock. the wife asks her husband if there is any chance he could lend him the other 80 bucks

A mortician Henry was working late one night at the mortuary . He examined the body of Mr.Fritz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Mr.Fritz had the biggest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Fritz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive special part.It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his suitcase, and took it home. ‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife Monica and he opened his suitcase. ‘Oh My God!’ Monica screamed, ‘Fritz is dead!’

A guy had an accident and dies.He goes to Heaven and meet with God. He wants to ask a few questions to God if he has a chance. Please My Lord, I want to learn about women. “Sure,”God says, “What do you want to know?” “Well,why did you make women so pretty?” he asks. God replies, “So you would like them.” “OK,well” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?” “So you would Love them”, God replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?” God replies, “So they would love you!”

A married woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s anger. The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?” The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. On these days my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. He scares me.” The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and do not swallow water until your husband leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the hospital to see the doctor looking fresh and happy. The woman says: “Doctor that was a wonderful idea! Every time my husband started losing his temper, I swished with water and did not swallowed ,he calmed right down in a few minutes! How does a glass of water do that?” The Doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

A blonde who want to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started advertising a rich neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much is your fee?” The blonde said, “How about 40 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and staircases that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the dialogue and said to her husband, “Does she understand that the porch goes all the way around the house? “The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blonde came to the door to take her money. “You finished fast!” he said. “Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

The young lady of New York Jasmin was very depressed and decided to commit suicide by throwing herself into the sea. Just before she could throw herself from the pier, a handsome young man Austin stopped her. Austin: “There are many reasons to live” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we arrive to Italy you will be SO GLAD you’re alive.” Jasmin accepted the offer. Because there was nothing to lose. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold. From then on, every night, he would bring for her foods, bottles of drinks, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. The Captain asked “What are you doing here?” Jasmin: “I have an arrangement with Austin,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.” The Captain says: “I see,” Jasmin: “Plus, he’s screwing me.” “He definitely is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

Little Zoe was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Zoe, who created the universe?” When Zoe didn’t stir, little Wesley who seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “Oh My God!” screamed Zoe and the teacher said, “Very good” and Zoe fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked again to the Zoe, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But,Zoe didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Wesley came to the rescue and stuck her again. “Jesus Christ!” screamed Zoe and the teacher said, “very good,” and Zoe fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked to the Zoe for the third times. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again,Wesley jabbed her with the pin. This time Zoe jumped up and screamed, “If you stick that fu****g thing in me once again, I will break it in half and stick it up your arse!”

A family is sitting at the living room and they talk about something. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, amazed, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three stages. In 20s, a woman’s breasts are like oranges, round and firm.In 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice,hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” That make angry his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three stages also. In 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him. “I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide who leaves.” George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed. The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell. “No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .” The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. “No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George. The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.” The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

On a abroad flight, the pilot comes over the public microphone system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells to passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight. Then,he forgets to turn off the microphone,the pilot says to his co-pilot, ‘What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.’ All the passengers hear it.A hostess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his blunder, one of the passengers stops her and says ‘Don’t forget the coffee!’

Dennis was in his front yard mowing grass when his charmful blonde female neighbor Arleen came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. Arleen opened box, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.Furiously, she back into the house. Dennis was getting ready to edge the lawn, here Arleen came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.She was about to go mad. Confused by her actions Dennis asked her, “Is there something wrong?” Arleen replied, “There undoubtedly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “You have got mail!”