irishrigger

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” She responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

I think you like this one Jerry, President Trump is visiting a Junior high School and a class was in the middle of discussing about words and their meanings. the Teacher asked President Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the Word "tragedy"? So Trump asked the class if they could think of an example of a Tragedy. A little boy stood up and Said "If a man walks in front of a bus and is killed stone dead, that be a Tragedy! Incorrect Trump Replies, that would merely be a very bad accident! A little girl stood up and says "if a School bus carrying 30 Children drove over a cliff, killing everyone on board that be a Tragedy!" I am afraid not Says Trump, that be called a very great loss!! the room went Silent, Trump looking around if anyone else wanted to say something. Finally little Johnny raised his hand from the back of the class. If a plane carrying you and all the serving Republicans was hit with a missile and blow the airplane apart in the sky, killing everyone on Board, that be a Tragedy!! Fantastic says Trump, but can you tell me why it be a Tragedy?? Little Johnny replied, "Well, it has to be a Tragedy, because it would not be a great loss and it probably would not be a fucking accident either!!!

Congrats on your 100! hope you reach the 4 figure mark at some stage

Glad to help out, you got my vote on Facebook Skymama

Wife: do you want anything to eat? Husband:What are the Choices?? wife: Yes or fucking No!!

From the Picture you have, it does not look so bad. the best option is to bring it to a rigger to be 100% certain and before you buy another AAD My guess is, to get your rigger to Strip everything out of the rig and then give it a good wash and clean, as per your riggers instruction or have him do it. Rodger

I ran into the back of a car today A Gorgeous , leggy Blond got out of the car mad as hell. she said "ram me up the arse why don't you?? And That your Honour, is where i believe the confusion began

Hi Andrew, I agree with Rigger Lee, if it is an Infinity container it will be a 1-pin. on you profile there is no jump numbers. how many jumps do you have? what is your exit weight? the reason for asking is because of the PD126 reserve size. are you sure that it is suitable for you considering it is quiet small?? Rodger

Oh how many Jump tickets did you waste on that??

Thanks Ryoder

To low and to slow. To me it looks like the aircraft stalled and lost control.

Cant believe this thread has not been updated in 6 months and is on page 7 in this Forum. is there any news or updates on this at all?? has any money been paid over yet?? or has the DZ received any payment yet?? be nice to get the latest news if there is any Blue skies and save landings

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says, “Mommy, Mommy! I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others’ clothes and laid down on the bed.” The mother interrupts him, “Stop right there! Wait ’till daddy comes home!” When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says, “I’m leaving you.” The father, bewildered, slowly asks, “Why? What did I do?” The mother turns to Johnny and says, “Tell daddy exactly what you told me today!” “I was playing in daddy’s closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other’s clothes off and laid down on the bed…just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer!”

An old snake goes to see his doctor. He says, “Doctor, I need something for my eyes. I can’t see well these days”. The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks, and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?” “The glasses are fine doc. I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

I presume this statement was a typing error and the the word NOT is missing? When Executing the Hands should be on the handles. I do agree that this might be an inexperienced Tandem master and should get some retrain done. It is not a very good idea to hold the riser you are trying to cut away!!!! Blue Skies Rodger

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ”Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.” “My darling,” he replied, ”Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officers Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ” “But were privates,” protests Matt. “Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside. “Now, Matt, I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.” “But were privates,” says Matt. “You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes. “Were sergeants are now.” So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. “You’r cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.” Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what” gonorrhea “means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign. ” So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign. Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the okay?” “Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it’s gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But were sergeants now.”

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.” ”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny. ”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. ”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster because it didn’t work. The cashier told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale. Suddenly the woman yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!” The cashier didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager. The woman explained to the manager that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he confirmed that he couldn’t give her a refund. Once again, she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!” The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “I like my tits grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs. “You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.” Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs. “Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs.” Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed. “Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina.”

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she’s wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, “Where did you get that necklace?” She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.” The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, “Where did you get the bracelet?” She replies, “I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.” The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, “I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?” She replies, “Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.” Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, “HEY! There’s only an inch of water in the tub.” He replies, “I didn’t want you to get your raffle ticket wet.”

Please do NOT follow the above advise!! if i read correctly you have not done any jumping at all in 18 months? and want to go back to doing Tandem's? it is very easy to get current. first of all make sure you have a current medical!! I would do a couple solo Jumps just to get the feet into the breeze. make contact with you local Tandem Examiner and tell him your intentions. he should do a Ground Refresher which might take a couple of hours +. there is a lot of new rules that have come in recently and a Tandem examiner will bring you up to speed. Hanging harness + EP review with Examiner. then you do Solo Jump on the tandem Gear followed by taking an experienced passenger or TDM/Examiner. once that is all done and the examiner is happy he should sign you off and you be left loose on the public again. Once you have a medical all of the above can be all done within a day. bear in mind that after 24 months you might be required to do a full Tandem Course again. I am currently a Tandem Examiner Rodger

After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it. Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?” Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!” Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you to give me an “A” for the Exam.” Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?” Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?” Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed. Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question. He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 17 Year old lover, which is logical but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical.”

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station. The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs. The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep! She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believe me, it helps me sleep at night. “