irishrigger

Three desperately ill men go to their doctor seeking help. One is and alcoholic, one is a chain smoker and the other is gay. The doctor tells the men if you indulge in any of your habits again you will die. So the three men leave and then the alcoholic sees a bar and hears its loud music and can’t resist. He orders a shot of whisky drinks it and suddenly drops down dead the other two men walk out side realizing how serious this is, but then the chain smoker sees a half a cigarette on the ground still burning so the gay guy says to the chain smoker “if you bend over to pick that up were both dead”.

A lady takes her 5 year old son to the zoo. One of the first thing they saw was a couple animals doing it. The 5 year old asks, “Mommy, what are they doing?” She didn’t know what to say, so she said: “Well, they’re making fish sticks.” Five minutes later, a couple more animals were doing it and again he asked the same thing and again she said: “They are making fish sticks.” When they got home, she was in the bedroom with her husband for about ten minutes, and when she got out, her son ran up to her and asked: “Mommy, were you in the bedroom making fish sticks with Daddy?” She said, “As a matter of fact we were.” And he replied, “I thought so, because I can see tarter sauce on your chin.”

you might enjoy this one Jerry A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?” “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like ot give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I’ll see you here back in court on Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: o O And told them this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s very admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” He said to the second guy. “Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I also used a diagram with circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, “This is your .sshole before prison…”

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. “Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked. “Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” “Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!”

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test. The student asked, “Do you know who I am?” The prof said, “No and I don’t care.” The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?” The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air. “Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man’s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer”? The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home”!

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “M” on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?” The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you’ll have your license ready.” Driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.” The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?” The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.” The passenger says, “Huh?” The cop says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, “I wish that jerk would’ve tried that shit with me.”

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. “There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.” Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. “Now you must do the same,” he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. “Second,” the professor continued, “you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?”

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?” The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?” The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?” The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?” The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.” The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?” The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight p.ssy.”

An AFF-I job is not done until the student is back safely in the Hanger and debriefed. it is the AFFI Responsibility to watch the Student under Canopy and follow their descent. how else would they be able to give feedback for the Student to learn? If this happened on my DZ those guys be heading out the gate and never coming back! did the DZO operator or CCI know about this incident? i would certainly have a word with them. given the way things are legal wise in the US there might be legislation to follow.

One day four business men goes to the hospital. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives give birth to babies. A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman Craig, “Congratulations! Your wife had a baby.” Craig says, “What a nice coincidence! I’m the president of And1!” The nurse goes away. Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman Demarcus, “I have good news! Your wife gave birth to twins!” Demarcus replies, “What a coincidence! I’m the owner of the Minnesota Twins!” The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman Erroll, “Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!” Erroll says, “Unbelievable coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!” The nurse goes away. The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman Garret alone on the bench and he was crying. The nurse asks, “Why are you crying sir”? Garret answers, “I work for Seven Up.”

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making sex to a very beautiful woman. “You son of a bitch ” she cried. “How can you cheat me – faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!” And the husband replied “Wait a minute love,I can explain you what happened.” “Fine, right on,” she said, “but this will be the last conversation between us!” And the husband began: “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked for into car. She looked so bad and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for two days! So, in my mercy, I brought her home and warmed up the meatballs I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. She ate them in seconds. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I tossed out her dirty and full of holes clothes Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your birthday present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the luxury boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.” Man took a quick breath and continued to talking – “She was so grateful for my help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please …do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Dr.Plumber said, “Jonathan,I have good and bad news!Good one is that I have a solution for your headaches.The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates terrible headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Jonathan was shocked and collapsed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate for a long time to answer, but he decided that he had no choice and has to be operated. When Jonathan left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in fifteen years, but he felt like he was missing a crucial part of his body. As he walked down the street, he noticed that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a stylish men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” He entered the store and told the sales clerk, “I want a suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see … size forty two long.” Jonathan laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for fifty years!” Jonathan tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Jonathan admired himself in the mirror, the sales clerk asked, “How about a new shirt?” Jonathan thought for a second and then said, “Sure.” The sales clerk eyed Jonathan and said, “Let’s see, thirty two sleeve and sixteen neck.” Again, Jonathan was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for fifty years!” Jonathan tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Jonathan adjusted the collar in the mirror, the sales clerk asked, “How about new shoes?” Jonathan was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The sales clerk eyed Jonathan’s feet and said, “Let’s see … Thirty nine.” Joe was amazed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for fifty years!” Jonathan tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Jonathan walked comfortably around the shop and the sales clerk asked, “How about some new underwear?” Jonathan thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The sales clerk stepped back, eyed Jonathan’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size thirty six.” Jonathan laughed. “Finally! I got you! I’ve worn size thirty two since I was seventeen years old.” The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear size thirty two.Your size is thirty six.Size thirty two underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you a terrible headache.”

A mortician Henry was working late one night at the mortuary . He examined the body of Mr.Fritz,about to be cremated and made a startling discovery. Mr.Fritz had the biggest private part he had ever seen! ‘I’m sorry Mr. Fritz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive special part.It must be saved for posterity.’ So, he removed it, stuffed it into his suitcase, and took it home. ‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife Monica and he opened his suitcase. ‘Oh My God!’ Monica screamed, ‘Fritz is dead!’

20 years married Katherine and William go to the clinic for control. After the checkup, the doctor called Katherine into his office alone. He said, “William is suffering from a very heavy stress disorder. If you don’t do the following duties,unfortunately,he will die.” “Every morning, prepare healthy breakfast for him. Spend good time together. For lunch cook nutritious food for him. You must do housework without his help.Don’t discuss any problems with him, it will only make his stress more bad. No nagging. And most important you have to make love a few times a week with your husband. If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, William asked to his wife. “What did the doctor say?” “He said you’re going to die,” she replied.

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would decide which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?” The first man responded, “An idea. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. “And, now you sir?” He asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a wink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A wink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Cool!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.” He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s farm, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you turn that switch, way out across the grassland, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very affected with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. Turning to Abba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Abba responded, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s clear to me that the fastest thing known is Runs.” “What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Abba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, wink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.” Abba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

A young guy was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient bald headed Nicaraguan man with a long, white beard. “I’m lost,” said the young guy. “Can you put me up for the night?” “Of Course!,” the Nicaraguan man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will perform the three worst Nicaragua tortures on you.” “Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old and ugly as well, and entered the house. Before dinner,bald headed man’s daughter came down the stairs. She was young, charming, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crawled back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest.Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Nicaragua Torture 1: Large rock on chest.” “Well, that’s pretty simple,”he thought.”If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up,walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Nicaragua Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Nicaragua Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

A 75 year old man Gary was having his yearly checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!”Gary boasted. “I’ve got a 20 year old wife who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?” The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an insatiable hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor asked. Dumbfounded, Gary replied, “No, what?” The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.” “That’s can not be true!” screamed the old man. “Someone else must of shot the bear.” “That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

Earl goes to the drug store with his young son Geoffrey. As they walk past the preservatives display, Geoffrey notices them and asks his Dad, “What are these, Dad?” Earl doesn’t believe in hiding things from his son and thinks his son is old enough to learn about such things so he says, “They are called condoms. Men use them for safe sex.” Geoffrey looks at the display and notices there are packs of three condoms. He points to them and says, “Well…Dad, why are there three in those packets?” Earl replies, “Those are for high-school boys – there’s one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” Geoffrey says, who then notices there are packs of six condoms and asks his father, “Then who are the packets of six for?” Earl answers, “Those are for university guys. There are two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday.” “Wow, sounds amazing!” said the boy, “Then who uses these?” as he picked up a twelve-pack. Earl sighs sadly and says, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, one for April , …one for May , …

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.” Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.” The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?” Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.” The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?” Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apprently my wife does.”