Hipwrddude

I heard that "matrubate" is when one is so unaroused when trying to arouse oneself that they have to fake orgasm just to get it over with. Sometimes the faking part can last just as long (if not longer) then the attempt at arousal. Supposedly someone called the police on this guy who was howling out his window at night while matrubating, the guy punched himself in the face and fell of the couch! They found him sleeping and didn't want to bother him. When I first told this story I woke up in the middle of the night and called myself a liar! Ah hell, I didn't hear it anywhere, I just made it all up. Next! You're always the starter in your own life!

Hilarity! God the hilarity! One Halloween I came with a construction helmet and a board glued to the top. (Crazy Glue commercial) You're always the starter in your own life!

Isn't that called "deceptive advertising" or "bait and switch." I was on a date once in my yute where I caught the bra full of tissue and needed to sneeze. Boy that came in handy. We had a couple of laughs and then she dropped me off. It was a long walk home. You're always the starter in your own life!

Ah Nico man, what a stinker of a joke! That was a Scud missile! Here ya go: Three boyscouts out on a camping trip were in a tent in their sleeping bags talking about the frigid winter. The first one starts: "Man, I was in weather that was so cold, when I took a pee it froze as soon as it came out and I had to pee walking backwards!" Not to be outdone, the second one replied, "That's nuthin'! I was in weather that was so cold when I breathed my breath froze in front of my face and I kept bumping into ice crystals!" Hearing this, the third one threw the gloves off: "You dudes know nothing about cold weather! I was in weather so cold, (chorus "How cold was it?") I mean this weather was so cold, that, like, I was shivering in my sleeping bag and felt something cold by my foot, I didn't know what it was, so I reached down and pulled it out. It was brown, frosty and gave me freezerburn so I threw it in the fire and it went (makes farting sound.) You're always the starter in your own life!

I wouldn’t. People who have sex with someone they know is married, or someone they know is in a relationship, do so to validate themselves, assert power, control, consummate attraction or satisfy their urges for gratification, intimacy or belonging. What they are able to do is dismiss the mores (moral attitudes) and folkways (social customs) that govern social behavior and just do it. Either it was a mistake or they justify it, but they still did it and may do it again. Sometimes there are degrees of consequence that are hurtled—depending on circumstance; or it’s completely ignored. These actions reflect low moral or physical thresholds for sexual activity or violating sexual mores. Some have desires whose fulfillment overwhelms their conscience. Then there are people, couples, who mutually engage in activities for the electrical charge (i.e. swingers.) I wouldn’t have sex with someone who’s married (hey, screw was kind of limiting.) If one doesn’t respect the pact society makes with married people to honor their bonds of matrimony, what value will they give it when they get married? Those values are the pillars of society—of relationships, enabling normalcy and reducing conflict. I am at the end of a 10-year relationship, the last 7 years in marriage. I’ve always been faithful, in every relationship. What’s interesting is I could pick up the phone right now and call 3 women, stir the lust pot, and crack the champagne. I’m legally separated, the divorce decree will occur once she gets a job, why not? All three made overtures when I was married. Two are hot and one is on fire. But I want more. They say love is from the waist up and lust, from the waist down. I want to know what it’s like to be in love again. There are several types of love and you can be in love on different levels. For some reason I’ve been reading that stuff lately. To me, the greatest adventure of all is finding that special someone who makes you want to be the best you, you can be—all for them. Love has the power to stir the soul and vanquish doubt. Their presence electrifies and excites like no other. They could stand next to the greatest celebrity on the planet and you’d bowl the celebrity over in a one-person mob stampede… just to stand next to that special someone… and be ignored! I may be a crazy fool for love, but isn’t that what life’s all about? You're always the starter in your own life!

That cracks me up! "Rubber Band Vacuum Man," with the song 'Rubber Band Man' playing on his radio while suckin up the bands and scooping up dozens of dollars, ha, ha, ha! Septober !@# Rock on! You're always the starter in your own life!

--Post a fictional account of your fictional job-- HAH! My name is Cletus McAfreey, and I am a perfessional dog rassler and cat ackerbatic specialist. By nature, dogs are rasslers and cats are ackerbats. I, for a nominal fee, will come over to yer party and demonstrate before the half-dollar wide eyes of your partygoers, live dog rasslin.’ Dogs love it, people love it, and it’s just god damn pure entertainment fun! I will take your Rottweiler, Doberman, German Shepherd or Chihiuahua, and we weell square off, and, at the sound of a spoon against an empty beer bottle, we weell rassle with reckless abandon. I know yer thinkin’ kids do this all the time. No, they don’t! Kids play with dogs. I, apply scientific rasslin’ methods to my canine brethren ta bring out their primitive instincts. Ya see, man used to run like dog when dogs ruled the earth. Then man had to rassle dogs to get to the top! Stand back. Now don’t you worry, I know it gets frisky in there but yer dog ain’t gonna bite me. Ya see, most dogs love to put their legs on yer shoulders and go at it Greco Roman frothy style, but they hate to fall on der backs. Ya gotta throw’em from side to side until they growl. When I go for the hip throw there can be some leakage, but I am well trained and can handle myself and yer guests will be wildly amused. If yer party needs over the top excitement, I got just the recipe: Cat Ackerbatics! See, Cats are wildly frisky critters who used to leap from tree to tree back in the Stoned Ages. After man fought off the dogs and ruled the world he was stoned for ages. And he was staring at them darned cats! Ya know, man’s been around fer like a million years but cats is been around fer like 6 million years! They even chased dinosaurs away with furballs and then would punt. In my act, I assess yer cats’ leapin, flexin’ scratchin’ and bitin’ ness. Me and ma pardner Toeknee Doodat are total specialists in the art of cat ackerbatics. Graspin’ hind legs or forelegs we whip ‘em up in tha air allowin ‘em to perform amazin’ cat ackerbatics. See! Theys natrals! But catchin' 'em, now Man! That's a Bitch! When we launch ‘em yer guests will be watchin’ and pattin you on the back sayin’ “Damn Purdy, ya done outdid ya self! Thank Yoo Cletus McAfreey!” Damn I loves them aminals! And yer guests will too! Let me sing ma song, “Cats in the stable and rover soon, little toy chew and the fans come unglued, when you comin’ home son I don’t know when, but weell get together then, Bad! You’ll know we’ll have a good time then.. when Cletus McAfreey, Perfessional Dog Rassler and Cat Ackerbatic specialist, comes to town! Yea! Partee!” (Any impression of the author as derived from the text above is pure assumption, yet worthy of several rounds of your favorite beer, wine, other beverage or activity.) You're always the starter in your own life!

Meet Cougar "The Psychic Cat" and Sky the "Lickless" Husky. Cougar acts like a dog and Sky acts like a cat. Just when you think of Cougar he'll show up.. checking you out. You'll spot him on your periphery. You look and he'll wink and hop in your lap. If you pet him, he'll lick you and give you thumbs up with that little spur finger on his wrist. He's been known to jump on people's head when they laugh. Sky, on the other paw, doesn't want to be bothered. Affection brings no licks, so you put your face next to his and he moves away. Imitation dog howls by humans will cause Sky to howl. Goofy dog walks in the rain like, "Hey, it's just rain, I'm waterproof." All in all, low maintenance creatures. You're always the starter in your own life!

I agree with Skybil. I enlisted in the Marines at age 18, completely single. My angle would be that you're married. I personally, do not feel the Marines is the place for married people. Marriages go through tremendous strain in the military--and especially the Marines. I spent over two and half years overseas in 26 countries on 5 continents. First, you'll be in boot camp for 13 weeks (away from the wife--no phone calls (except at the end) and just letters. Then, they'll ship you off to your duty station (Iraq?) based on your MOS (military occupational specialty.) I was infantry. I spent most of my time in the field... from jungles, to mountain warfare training in the mountains, to desert training, etc., then on to deployments. Ok, so yeah, I had a blast in the nightclubs and hot spots from Rio De Janeiro to Paris, France; Malaga, Spain;Tokyo, Japan, Istanbul, Turkey; and dozens of places in-between... but, I was single. If you truly love your wife, consider what's best for the both of you. Whatever dreams you have together could be permanently derailed.. by your dream. Lastly, consider the reserves (and hope they don't call you to active duty.) Good Luck! You're always the starter in your own life!

Chauncey Harrison, NASA Engineer: "The problem was that goddam toaster Eldridge installed. Real smuckin fart! Take credit for that Sparky! Bif gave it a thumbs up and Tad agreed and I got shut out of the design. Damn thing short-circuited on re-entry! So here you are doing your "Smarty Pants Dance" celebrating final entry on national tv and [makes farting sound] oh, my! You really stunk up the great outdoors with that one sweetpea!" You're always the starter in your own life!

Realtor: "I think you'll really love it here.. I said, love it. Love at the beautiful view from the backyard, isn't that a turn on? Expansive dining room, and look at this captivating family room. Oh, whatdaya know, those damn dogs are at it again... and you will be too! Right here for example, on the couch, or, here, by the fireplace, hell, you can knock bottom right here in the friggin kitchen! Isn't life grand! We prefer the secondary dining room or, when guests arrive, hell, we just take it all outside, the owners don't mind. Sometimes there's not enough to go around, but if you wait patiently, you'll find an opening. Cheers!" You're always the starter in your own life!

“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” --- Kierkegaard. Question: ‘What lengths did you go to, or, would you go to, to meet or be with that wonderful someone who makes you want to be your best you, who makes everything seem worthwhile?’ You're always the starter in your own life!

Sex is a great topic. I like talking Sexy talk (pssst, but you must refrain in public places, with strangers, or swingers in public places.) Let me introduce myself. My name is Chico, and yes, I AM THE MAN. Excuse me while I put my clothes back on. Here, sit down, we shall talk. It’s not polite to talk when eating at the dinner table, or when you’re having sex. Unless you are one in 4 billion and can understand garbled, slurping sounds, bravo! Instead, they must hear grunting, moaning, or special talking, yes, talking Sexy talk. The two things you should never do in bed are point and laugh. Self-service, masturbation, solo flights are good too, as Woody Allen has said; “Masturbation is having sex with someone you love.” Just keep it to yourself, if that’s your thing. No wonder his name is Woody. Maybe, that should be my name too! But when you have a good thing going, it’s better to share. Generosity during sex is a good thing. It’s better to give then to receive. Years ago I concocted a diabolical sexual device, the likes of which have never been seen before (or since.) Fear of federal prosecution forbids me from revealing the genius behind my creation so I shall talk loosely about it. It was for the ladies (as it always should be.) I see no one is looking so I’ll tell you this, it was a multi-headed dildo I called “The Crowd Pleaser.” When the word got out (and girls did it!) the FBI knocked at my door. As I waded through the orgy (I was having so much fun I didn’t know who to thank,) and opened the door, Federal Agents accosted me. In a moment, I will return to the story, so I will tell you that I, Chico, believe cleanliness is godliness in sex. The body must be worshipped in its purest state—freshly cleaned and well groomed. Sex in the dark is like playing Twister with clothes. F**k the game! You know what you want. You know it. But you can’t get it. You can’t get it can you? You can’t get what you want… cause someone turned out the f**king lights! Lights must be on. To avoid mistakes. One time I make love to this beautiful senorita, in the dark. Suddenly she starts calling out someone’s name. I did not know whose name she called out. I was having too much fun to concentrate on conversation. Then, I saw a white flash and woke up naked in a dank alley without my senorita. So, my lesson to you, lights on, when you get your freak on. When the FBI agents pulled me outside, they wanted to have their way with me. I said, “Wait! I am Chico, and, I AM THE MAN! I shall tell you whatever you want, but later, we shall have FUN!” Fortunately, we did, but more fortunate for me, the group was of mixed gender, and fortunately, I outlasted them all, and made my speedboat getaway like a phantom in the night! As I limped out the door, I could not get the image out of my head of that sexy Cocker Spaniel that showed up at the door in the middle of the night. It was crazy. I return… With the warm tropical wind in my face, winding through the waters of the Florida Keys on my Cigarette boat, I felt the need to pee. But I could not! I was wearing women’s clothes!#$%^! At that moment I could feel my nipples breathing. My bra was too big! But it felt so good I let go. I felt good. Hhmm, I feel very good. Chico, I say to myself, what are you doing! Sorry, the story--It had been a long night of many half moons, vertical smiles and torturous tongue-lashings. I don’t know how I survived! As the sun peaked over the horizon, I could only imagine the new adventures that lie ahead, because I am Chico, AND I AM THE MAN! The following sexual satire was for entertainment purposes only. Any relationship to actual events or persons are purely coincidently and unintentional. You're always the starter in your own life!

Metalslug was on the mark with the research on paranormal observations occurring during states of less then alert, consciousness. It's the rapid descent into REM sleep (rapid eye movement,) the state at which the body actually receives resuscitative sleep (or, your most restful sleep.) Sleep is the state at which we unleash our subconscious. During that descent we are extremely susceptible to misinterpreting perceptions from the dream state as perceptions from a conscious state. What's interesting, is the findings of a professor from, I believe, the University of Toronto. He took sensory deprived subjects (sense of smell, sight & hearing capped,) placed an electrode cap on their heads, and ran a small electrical charge through it around their heads. Suddenly, the subjects began feeling the presence of people moving around them. One of my former professors at Temple University, Dr. Jacobs, teaches the only accredited UFO course in the country. You can find him by doing a Google search too. Anyway, to him, UFO abduction phenomen is real and he's authored several books on the subject. What's interesting to note is that there is a cultural desire to want to believe in these things that stretches back to creatures under the bridges in Europe B.C. (and older.) When something carried in the media (cigar shaped objects in the sky, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, ET, etc.) reports from the public corroborating a similar experience emerge too. For me, the experiences of two friends stand out. One, from Kentucky, was a teenager with a buddy out hunting when nightfall came. As they made their way back home, a noise crashed through the still night air. They froze. And listened. In the trees high up on the mountain, something dark was jumping from tree to tree. It was so heavy, the trunks of the trees let out loud cracking sounds. My friend and his buddy were so terrified they hauled ass down the mountain. His father thought it was a mountain lion, but they both shook their heads; it was much bigger. When he got done telling me and a roomful of sober Marines at Camp Fuji, Japan, he had to wipe the tears from his eyes. The second story I'll keep short. A well-known friend of mine experienced what many so-called "alien abductees" refer to as "missing time." For him, it occurred on a beach. I can't go into the details but I'll say this, I was talking about UFO phenomen for about an hour with friends when he opened up about it. Only his wife knew about his experience. The other family members present had no idea. His account was corroborated. At the end of his story he literally started to tremble. He never responded to my emails of UFO images I thought reflected what he described. For him, it was a terrifying experience that he, fortunately, couldn't remember fully, and never wanted to be reminded of, ever. You're always the starter in your own life!

Conundrum hit the nail on the head. Just suffer in silence. You're always the starter in your own life!

I liked this post, a fear confessional, an open discussion of the pucker factor. Certain responses from JohnRich, Cloudmonkey, napaguy99, freeflir--good gut check, tbrown, skyyhi, Remster, Catfishhunter and especially Vertifly--like a gear-check fear disposal procedure, kicked some schtookus. I enjoyed 'em all. Here's my log on the fire... "I was seeing this girl for about six weeks, then someone took my binoculars out of my pickup truck;" (thanks Larry the Cable Guy.) What you feel and what's happening are often 2 different things. I read once that panic disorders affect 1/75 people. That if you stand in the back of a class of pre-schoolers and clap your hands loudly, the ones that jump the highest are the ones most likely to have a heightened response to fear throughout their lives. When the time comes to board the plane, jump light turns green, get in the door, etc., our experience in those situations establishes a certain comfort level. What's fascinating are the "triggers" that can set a fear response in motion. One of my favorite phrases is, "Exposure breeds composure." To phobics, the primary treatment to overcoming their fear response is "flushing." Essentially, moving them through to greater levels of exposure to their fear. In skydiving, high jump numbers accumulated in short duration work to do just that. Keeping current helps tremendously. From all that I've read (and experienced,) the best solution to getting over "jump dread" is visualizing beautiful outcomes. Visualization fools the mind into experiencing something that it can't distinguish from the real world. Repetition is the mother of skill. I like Mom. Lastly, (dang I'm a wordy bastard) The decision to jump or not is always the individuals', but consider, courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to act, in spite of it. The more you face your fears, the more courageous you appear (note, appear, he, he, he.) Take it light You're always the starter in your own life!

Hi Vallerina! Allow me to go deep on this response. In psychology, when someone feels their world, their emotions are controlled by forces outside them, it is known as having an "external locus of control." To those who have control (since both situations are in your head anyway,) it is known as an "internal locus of control." In Maxwell Maltz's book, "PsychoCybernetics," he ventures into mental programming--essentially visualizing the world and events you want to happen. If you simply do this, in whatever aspect of your life you wish to address, just imagining good things will start to bring the sun out. You have the power to change your world view and make it a reality. Play with this awhile--it can be very powerful--and life changing. One famous study found that successful people often had influence over events in their lives outside of their control--seemingly by just the attitude they had towards it (i.e., If you never ask, the answer is always "no." So ASK god damnit, and never stop!!) Also consider the fact that if you can't change your situation at present, simply change how you feel about it. Okay, "Like Hell!" But no, really. Choose to change the way you feel about those things in your life that you think suck. There are studies that show that if you simply act happy, you'll start feeling happy. Example, put your favorite dance music on (or whatever) get down, sing and act like you're a joyful fool and wah la! Okay, not enough. Rumination or internal dialogue. Life sucks because you tell yourself it sucks. Guess what? Stop talking to yourself in those tones. You're reinforcing bad vibes. When speaker Norman Cousins faced the prognosis of a terminal illness, he surrounded himself with love and humor. He watched 3 stooges cartoons, had clowns come in, friends tell jokes, etc., etc. He recovered. Now dispel negativity and illuminate yourself with love and humor, and use internal dialogue that is positively you--all the time. The perfect situation is having a lack of "cognitive dissonance." That psychobabble means that your perception of the world is in conflict with how you want it to be. So, another option, change your routines. Exercise is one of the most powerful mood elevators. Take the elevator up with exercise (it also does wonders to self-esteem, appearance, *** drive, etc.) How's your diet and sleep? Are your energy levels solid throughout the day or do they dip after lunch? Your diet, sleep duration and exercise rates drive your hormone levels so perhaps they are contributing factors. In Martin Seligman's book, "What You Can Change & What You Can't," he discusses the fact that certain behaviors are so deep you can't change them, but learn to deal with them to your benefit. Dr. Phil talks about the authentic self, essentially casting aside the labels others have placed on you and being free and powerful to pursue your dreams--with adventure and excitement. Ultimately, look towards a brighter future. In Viktor Frankel's "Man's Search for Meaning," he found that those who perished from faultering will in the Nazi concentration camps did so because they lost faith in their future. Finally, a little poem from Gail Brooks, "Summer Days to Remember" I do not ask to walk smooth paths, nor bear an easy load; I pray for strength and fortitude to climb the rock strewn road; Give me such courage so I can scale, the highest peaks alone, and transform every stumbling block into a stepping stone. You're always the starter in your own life!

Should they ask you what position you desire say, "Missionary." Tell 'em that what interests them fascinates you and that you don't care what the pay is, you would just want to "hang with them 'cause they're cool." When it comes to weaknesses: You can't stand imperfection in your work so you may take longer to get it just right. or... slam your fist down on the table and say, "I hate weakness!" or... say, "I am like Yin and Yang, my weakness and strength balance in harmony to produce unstoppable worker." Then perform Tai Chi; or... tell them your weakness is you don't mind working off the clock; or... tell them you have a weakness for warm milk late at night, wearing socks to bed, applying underarm deodorant before going night-night in case you're physically active in your dreams and lastly, the only weakness you feel comes in the form of pain, because when you exercise, pain is weakness leaving the body. Oh, Good Luck! You're always the starter in your own life!

In a social system we feel caught up in the value system of the society or subculture we're apart of. The funny part is, is that to "real skydivers," and I mean those who've jumped so long they've cleared their heads, you're you. You just happened to be someone making their way to them (experience.) What's cool, is that you can ask people for advice while others have to pretend they know then injure themselves. Me, personally, I like to know so I ask regardless of my jump number. You're always the starter in your own life!

Can't forget Bachman Turner Overdrive's song... "You get up every morning from your small craft warning... Bakin' Carrot Biscuits! Everyday!" How 'bout "Tainted Love" ... This tainted love, you Gibbon. or Foreigner, "Urgent" "Virgin, Virgin, Emergency." or the Clash, "Rock the Kasbah" "Rock the cat spa, rock the cat spa" I crack myself up. You're always the starter in your own life!

Shucks! 'Bout time!@#$ You're always the starter in your own life!

Dang! If all else fails, try, try, a gun. You're always the starter in your own life!

Here's where the deer cross so I's be prepared just in case one come a strollin' by. Yup. You're always the starter in your own life!

This appeared in the Philadelphia Inquirer. You're always the starter in your own life!

Forgive me if this is comparatively long winded, but I just felt the need to express my feelings about Paul. As I read all of these entries, as many of you have, I feel a large number of you, and I mean a very large number of you, have not been forthcoming with your emotions and experiences with Paul Rafferty. I want you to know it’s time to let it out. Since the time this incident was reported, thousands have viewed these posts. Thousands reading these posts are friends of Paul. What your posts reflect is the final accounting of his life in a public forum outside of the funeral. Here is where more people will learn of Paul Rafferty’s life then anywhere else. Forgive me, but I never knew him. His passing pains me to know I never will. But I did post this--as many who didn’t know him, posted their thoughts too. Although we never spoke, I boarded a few planes with Paul as he took tandem students on the ride of their lives at Skydive Crosskeys. We had several things in common: military service, skydiving and we each have a daughter. They say in life you only have two things to give, your love and your labor. For Paul, skydiving was both. But what remains is his legacy. The more I learn about Paul the more I idolize the man, his accomplishments and his power. Paul’s true legacy, of which skydiving lies far below, is his love for his daughter, family and friends. I believe Paul’s family wants to know how he touched your life. Since we never spoke, I would be fascinated to read your accounts. If you knew him, you need to post. Well, I think you need to post. You need to get it out. He was a man of warmth, humor, adventurous character, principle and quality. At this place and time, his life can only be expressed in your words. Paul’s magnitude is irreplaceable. I believe there’s a piece of him in all of us. By epitomizing him in your words, his memory lives anew, and his passing can give us all greater meaning to our lives. We are no farther away then 8 people from anyone on this planet. Even an Eskimo would know someone who knows someone, etc., who knew Paul. To those who knew Paul personally, yours is a privilege, a treasure, few of us shared. Please share it. Thank you. My heartfelt condolences to Paul’s family, friends, brothers-in-arms and acquaintances everywhere. You're always the starter in your own life!