Whats the funniest joke you know?

[nigelh 0]

This one went down well at work!

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion..

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel
over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi to the husband, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make loveto your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again,
they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly..."You see, you schmuck, THAT'S the way you wave a towel!"

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Sponored by NZ Aerosports, CYPRES 2, Tonfly & L&B

Team Dirty Sanchez #232

[Peej 0]

Nice one.

This is my favourite joke right now, i posetd it a few weeks back but it's just so good it deserves to get posted again.


A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a
pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out
of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the
murderer.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with
it again," said the necrophile.

"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again
and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:

"So, what's it gonna be?"

To which he replies, "Meow."

Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky

[Thanatos340 1]

Why did the Chicken Cross the road??







To prove to the Possum that it could be done!!


(OK, I guess you have to live in the southeast US to really get that one!)

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

Why did the Chicken Cross the road?? To prove to the Possum that it could be done!! (OK, I guess you have to live in the southeast US to really get that one!)

[Laugh]
The most prevalent roadkill in my area is Opossums, followed by (surprise!) Armadillos!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[jimmytavino 16]

.... so this woman arrives home yelling at the top of her lungs...
... " I won the Lottery!!! Pack the bags"!!
... From upstairs a mans voice replies,, " GREAT !!
should I pack for the Mountains ?? or for the Beach??? "
... She Hollers Back..,,,
.
.
.
" I don't CARE,, Just GET OUT!!!! "...

• Quote

[Guest]

A talking duck waddles into a stop 'n' rob and asks the salesguy, "Got any grapes?"

"No," say the guy.

The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have any grapes!"

The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any grapes?"

In a real snit now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any goddamn grapes! You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?"

The guy says "NO!"

The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"



mh

.

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[BillyVance 34]

A repost, but good ones!

True Doctor Stories

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the
wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was
laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I
hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... Why, not for about twenty years, when my
husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name

I can't blame him!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[panzwami 0]

I've heard a bunch of good ones over time. This is the funniest one that springs to mind.

---

A guy was planning an upcoming trip, so he stopped off at the ticket office, but he mixed up a couple of the words and said "I'd like to buy a picket to Tittsburgh".

He started to correct himself, but the ticket agent stopped him:

"Don't worry about it, it's called a Freudian slip, I do it all the time. Like the other day I was at breakfast with my wife and meant to ask her to "pass the syrup", but instead I said "YOU STUPID BITCH YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

[mnealtx 0]

Quote

To which he replies, "Meow."

*attached pic prolly NSFW*

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[soulshine 0]

Holy shit, that is one of the funniest pics I have ever seen!!!

Bombing for peace is like fucking for virginity!
~DEVIOUS BEEF~~FGF #69~

[mnealtx 0]

One of our resident PS experts posted it in one thread or another... too damn funny!!!

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[lawrocket 3]

One of my all time favorites:

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[tkhayes 140]

Did you hear about the agnostist dyslexic insomniac?

Lays awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog

[NWFlyer 2]

Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, buddy, you want a drink?"

Descartes says "I think not." And *poof*... he disappears.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[Kris 0]

Quote

One of our resident PS experts posted it in one thread or another... too damn funny!!!

I didn't PS it, I just found it on the net. Nice use though...I didn't even think about it when I read this thread the first time.

Sky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and
Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™

[crwpj 0]

what did the freeflier say when he ran out of drugs?

"damn, this music sucks!"

pulling is cool. keep it in the skin.
options: it does a body good.

[loumeinhart 0]

2 hillbillys named Ed and Wayne decided to apply at the local college. Ed talks to the counselor first:

Counselor: "you'll have to take math, science and logic"

Ed: "I know what math and science is, but whats logic?"

Counselor: "do you own a weedeater?"

Ed: "Yep"

Counselor: "so you have a yard?"

Ed: "Yep"

Counselor: "so you have a house?"

Ed: "Yep"

Counselor: "so you probably have a family"

Ed: "Yep"

Counselor: "So your married?"

Ed: "Yep"

Counselor: "so your a heterosexual?"

Ed: "Yep"

"THAT is what logic is" says the counselor



Later Wayne sees Ed and asks about the college

Ed: "You'll have to take math science and logic"

Wayne: "I know what math and science is, but what's logic?"

Ed: "I'll explain it, do you own a weedeater?"

Wayne: "nope"

Ed: "Well that means your a f***ing QUEER!"







-

[ffejdraga 0]

or,

What did the guy at the Grateful Dead show say when the acid wore off?

Quote

"damn, this music sucks!"

jeff D-16906

[maxmadmax 8]

I read this joke on the wall of a Toronto bookstore.

Question: What kind of meat do priests eat?

Answer: Nun!

Don't go away mad....just go away!

[FlailingJohn 0]

I thought this was funny..

http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/OttawaSun/News/2005/03/30/976414-sun.html

DUI suspect eats feces

By CP



TORONTO -- An accused drunk driver tried but failed to foil a police breathalyzer after stuffing his mouth full of feces. "I don't think alcohol alone would make you do something as disgusting as that," South Simcoe Police Insp. Tom McDonald said.

"I've never heard of anything like this before," said the 28-year police veteran.

Arrested Sunday after his Ford pickup was pulled over on a highway just outside of Barrie, the 59-year-old driver was loaded into a cruiser and taken to a police station for testing.

En route, Sgt. James Buchanan said the prisoner vomited, urinated and defecated in the rear of the car.

After arriving at the station, he said the man grabbed a handful of his own waste "and placed it in his mouth, attempting to trick the breathalyzer machine."

It didn't work, Buchanan said.

The motorist was charged with impaired driving, plus driving with more than 80 mg of alcohol in 100 ml of blood in his system.

"This fellow was in dire need of help. It's bizarre, but the effects of alcohol can make people do strange things," McDonald said

The cruiser took two hours to clean and "it's back on the road."

[boinky 0]

Quote

*attached pic

You're one sick puppy, ya' know!

Nina

Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz)
Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance

[happythoughts 0]

A salesman knocks on a door. The door is answered by a 9yo boy with a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his hand.

The salesman asks, "Is your mother home?"

The boy replies, "What do you think?"

[Squeak 17]

Quote

Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, buddy, you want a drink?"

Descartes says "I think not." And *poof*... he disappears.

hehehehe sublte funyy
I like subtle funny

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

A salesman knocks on a door. The door is answered by a 9yo boy with a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his hand.

The salesman asks, "Is your mother home?"

The boy replies, "What do you think?"

The infamous Little Johnny, no doubt!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[dgm458 0]

Quote

The infamous Little Johnny, no doubt!

Speaking of...

The class has a substitute teacher today and she decides that since the lesson plan is rather thin, she'll test the children's English skills by assigning a large word to each student to use in a sentence.

For the first child, Sally, the teacher chooses embarrassed. Sally replies, "I fell on my bottom and I was embarrassed."

"Well done." said the teacher.

For the second child, Bruce, the teacher chooses pathetic. Bruce replies, "This game is pathetic."

"Good use of the word," replies the teacher, "but go to the principles office."

For the third child, Johnny, the teacher chooses indefinitely.

Johnn replies, "When I feel my balls slapping off of Sally's ass, I'm indefinitely!"

==================
Man asks woman: Do you know what the difference between smoking a cigarette and giving a blow job is?

Woman replies: No.

Man says: Well then, would like to smoke a cigarette?

===================
How do you tell if a blond is having a bad day?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and her pencil is missing.

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Failure to prepare is preparing to fail