When you don't support a marriage

[Vallerina 2]

It's been awhile since I've used dz.com as a sounding board, but I'm stuck on what to do, and the wedding date is right around the corner.

Long story short - a family member started dating someone weeks after her ex-husband moved out. She was blissfully happy until she found out that the new guy she was dating cheated on her just six months in. She cried to me a lot about it, and when she asked me what I would do in her situation, I told her, "Dump the bastard." She was about to kick him out (he and his kids moved in to her house), and then (to solve the dilemma he was in) he proposed!!! She accepted and seems to be having delusions of a happy life ever since. Since the proposal, I told him that I would personally rip his balls off if he ever cheated on her again.

She's going to marry him, and there's nothing I can do about it. She has a major brain injury, can't work and lives on a very tight income. She has a very beautiful house, and I'm worried that she'll lose the little she has because of this disaster she's running into.

If I tell her again that she should dump him, I risk her never speaking to me again. If I tell her that she's making a mistake, maybe there's a small chance that she'll rethink marrying him.

What to do?

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[AggieDave 6]

Long time no see!

No matter how much you love someone, sometimes they simply won't take good advice because they are too close to the problem. The more you push and argue, the more you run the risk of losing that person from that beloved position in your life.

Show love, show support and give gentle nudges as best you can. Sometimes you can't prevent someone else from failing, no matter how much you try.

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[billvon 2,400]

Give her your best estimate of what she is risking. She may be OK with the risk; that's her call. All you can do is give her good information that she can base her decision on; you can't make the decision for her, even if the potential cost of a bad decision is for her to end up unhappy and broke.

[Squeak 17]

does her brain injury allow for her to have some form of intervention.
If her judgement is impaired there might be a case for asking someone to stop the wedding based on her not being in a position to make an appropriate decision

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[flyangel2 2]

Before she gets married, encourage her to talk to a lawyer about protecting her house/properties.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[TImBryant 0]

Advise her to get a pre-nup to protect her assets. In case he ever cheats again, she would keep her stuff and get a great deal of his.

tagline..... what's a tagline?

[Amazon 7]

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It's been awhile since I've used dz.com as a sounding board, but I'm stuck on what to do, and the wedding date is right around the corner.

Long story short - a family member started dating someone weeks after her ex-husband moved out. She was blissfully happy until she found out that the new guy she was dating cheated on her just six months in. She cried to me a lot about it, and when she asked me what I would do in her situation, I told her, "Dump the bastard." She was about to kick him out (he and his kids moved in to her house), and then (to solve the dilemma he was in) he proposed!!! She accepted and seems to be having delusions of a happy life ever since. Since the proposal, I told him that I would personally rip his balls off if he ever cheated on her again.

She's going to marry him, and there's nothing I can do about it. She has a major brain injury, can't work and lives on a very tight income. She has a very beautiful house, and I'm worried that she'll lose the little she has because of this disaster she's running into.

If I tell her again that she should dump him, I risk her never speaking to me again. If I tell her that she's making a mistake, maybe there's a small chance that she'll rethink marrying him.

What to do?

It sounds to me like he wants a babysitter for HIS kids... and then wants the nice house. I will lay odds that without a pre-nup.. she is goiong to lose what she has. He will be out and about within weeks of the ceremony.

[Vallerina 2]

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Advise her to get a pre-nup to protect her assets. In case he ever cheats again, she would keep her stuff and get a great deal of his.

All he has is debt!

AD, glad someone around here remembers me!

Bill, I think you're right. If I talk to her simply addressing the potential outcomes she may not have thought of, that's pretty much all I can do.

Squeak, no she is fine to make her own decisions, but the brain injury prevents her from being able to physically do things.

Mary, you are right on. She needs a lawyer, and she probably hasn't thought of that.

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[d_squared431 0]

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Before she gets married, encourage her to talk to a lawyer about protecting her house/properties.

If she is getting married in a Church some Churches make the couple go thru- a short counseling session prior to getting married. Speaking with a representative of the Church might help.

TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

[ryoder 1,387]

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AD, glad someone around here remembers me!

Of course we remember you!
How could we forget that yummy belly-dancer costume!

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[Vallerina 2]

I'm even more delighted that people remember me for what I once was!

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning

[Andy9o8 0]

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Advise her to get a pre-nup to protect her assets.

This was my thought, too. Most definitely she needs to consult (alone!!) with a lawyer sooner rather than later.

[piisfish 135]

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AD, glad someone around here remembers me!

Of course we remember you!
How could we forget that yummy belly-dancer costume!

and the leg-lamp

Welcome back VAllerina

scissors beat paper, paper beat rock, rock beat wingsuit - KarlM

[cocheese 0]

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I'm even more delighted that people remember me for what I once was!

I just want to say I remember you....and every second of fun that we had in the sky the day we met.

No advice for this thread, but are you single? That is the most important question.

[skymama 35]

Don't tell her she's making a mistake, just help her get precautions in place. She definitely needs to have a pre-nup. Since she's on a tight income, she may balk at having to spend the money on it, but make her see that it may be worth it in the long run.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[wmw999 2,123]

Offer to take her to the lawyer for a prenup. Particulalry if she has a house, she really ought to sign one.

You could even offer to float her a loan for the pre-nup if money is tight.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[shropshire 0]

Drive around to see him with a Violin case and make him an offer that he can't refuse.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[davelepka 4]

The lawyer/pre-nup deal is the way to go.

You, your mom, your sister, nobody really knows what's going on inside the relationship between your friend and her hubby-to-be, only they do. Because of that, it's hard to give advice because it's really just your opinion, and if someone isn't interested in it, they just won't listen.

However, there are lots of people who absolutely do understand the laws in your state, and no matter what the personal relationship is like, the laws apply to everyone just the same in the case of a marriage or divorce.

So while your opinion about the guy is one thing, the legal position she's putting herself in is fact, and she needs to protect herself. Maybe appeal to that, and express your concerns along those lines. It's not that you're concerned about the relationship (even though you are), it's that you're concerned about her home and estate.

I had a similar situation happen to a friend of mine lately. She was dating a guy for about 6 months, and announced that she, along with her kids, were going to move in with him. The guy seemed nice enough, had a job, house, etc, but I expressed concern that it was too soon. After talking, she agreed to not put her (very nice) home on the market for at least 6 months or a year, just to make sure things worked out. In that case, keeping her house was her version of a pre-nup, whatever happened, she always had that to fall back on.

Sure enough, less than two months later she broke up with the guy and moved right back into her house that same day.

[Conundrum 1]

The real question is not what you should do, because nothing you do or say will make a difference, she's made that clear.

What I would like to know is.... are you going to be attending the wedding and giving your support?

[Nataly 38]

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The real question is not what you should do, because nothing you do or say will make a difference, she's made that clear.

What I would like to know is.... are you going to be attending the wedding and giving your support?

Support your friend, if not her decision.

Even if your heart is in the right place, only she knows what is really good for her. In any case, if she is really your friend you will not lose her for trying to help.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Conundrum 1]

Supporting your friend by going to the wedding, is the same as supporting her decision to get married to this douche. I don't think I could go.

[BETO74 0]

Bite the bullet, tell her your thoughts and help her make a censious decision, I rather risk her friendship knowing I did what I believe was the right thing. If the friendship was strong enough she will understand you are protecting her if it wasnt strong enough then you can walk away knowing you did what was best.
besides if roles were reversed would you like her to tell you? I know I rather hear it.
I been in both ends a different situation I had lost friends due to being honest, I also being on the receiving end never had a problem hearing a friends opinion

http://web.mac.com/ac057a/iWeb/AC057A/H0M3.html

[Nataly 38]

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Supporting your friend by going to the wedding, is the same as supporting her decision to get married to this douche. I don't think I could go.

I said "support your friend, if not her decision" - I didn't say she should (or shouldn't) go to the wedding.

Last week my best friend flat out told me not to do something. She's my best friend and we don't always see eye-to-eye, but this is the first time she has ever explicitely told me what to do/not do. I'm really considering her opinion because I know what she is saying is out of concern for me. I know and she knows if she hadn't put it so bluntly I would have dismissed her opinion. This is a true friend - she cares more about my well-being than about possibly "hurting my feelings."

If I felt she was making a big mistake I would tell her - I'm glad she has the balls to do the same for me.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[Conundrum 1]

so... would you go to the wedding or not? That was the question.

[Vallerina 2]

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so... would you go to the wedding or not? That was the question.

I have no idea. Her sister and I go back and forth on whether or not we will be going. Our cousin has already backed out (let's just say, our family isn't shy about not being overly supportive of this marriage.)

There's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning