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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Walmart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Irish Rigger, this first one is for you:

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Coors and the Bud. By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey I could hardly push the stroller back home.


JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive & your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."


ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for awhile. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"

"No, sweetheart.” she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?”

"Oy, no I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther, did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They will find us."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A blonde buys a ticket to Florida in coach on United.

As she is sitting on the plane waiting for it to taxi out of the airport, she notices that there are a lot of seats open in the first class section. So she gets up and goes and sits in one.

One of the stewards notices she is not in her seat, and looks for her, and sees her in first class. The steward goes up to the blonde and tells her she can't sit in first class, and has to go back to her seat in the coach section.

The blonde refuses. A big argument starts. With this the steward knocks on the captain's door and asks to go in to talk to him.

He lets her in and she tells him what is going on.

He tells her to deal with it.

She says, 'I have tried everything, but this frigging blonde just won't leave the first class seat.'

The captain smiles and says, 'She is a blonde, I am married to a blonde, I will handle this.'

He gets up, puts on his hat, goes out to the lady and bends over and whispers something to her.

With that she jumps up, says, 'Wow, thank you,' and scoots back to her seat and straps herself in.

The steward is amazed. She looks at the captain and asks him, 'What did you say to her? I tried everything, and nothing worked.'

He smiled and said, 'I just told her that first class didn't stop in Florida.'


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

---------------------

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

----------------------

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.One day a young man enters the store.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a
brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.
The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located
on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.
After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and descends the ladder, one of the other
male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little”.

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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

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Hi folks,

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½minutes ?

I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute .

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Maybe an oldie:

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,” the Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.”

Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now-intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children.”

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, “These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?”

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, “You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.”


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown New York City, New York and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $75,000, and you'll have to go to Bismark, North Dakota."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Eschew Obfuscation

Two atoms are walking down the street. Whoa! Exclaimed the one atom. I think I just lost an election. "Are you sure?," asked the other atom. The first atom replied, "I'm positive."

A lot of people don't know this, but I am actually quite famous.

A priest, a rabbi and a midget walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "what is this some kind of joke?"

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Hi folks,

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.

The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body.

He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.

A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.

When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?" the irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, crap, that explains why no one was at church either."


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

John asks his wife Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new mink coat?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Mary.

“Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?” says John.

“No,” she responds.

“What about a new vacation home in the country?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a, “No thanks.”

Frustrated he finally asks, “Well what would you like for your anniversary?”

“John, I’d like a divorce,” answers Mary.

John thinks for a moment and replies, “Sorry dear, I wasn’t planning to spend that much.”


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy asked was to rearrange the letters “PNEIS" into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered "spine" are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via the 'net.


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Thinking back a few years when we were living in Florida, I remembered Hurricane Doris.

I was ready for it, but my wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and thrashing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying pieces of roof, destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound level, my wife was rooted to the spot.

She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.

Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Not a joke for the thread, but several years ago Hurricane Charlie passed through Central Florida just east of us. I looked out the window during the height of the storm and noticed a bird standing on the ground just next to my car tire, not a feather ruffled! This was the storm that destroyed the hangar at Lake Wales.

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muff528

Not a joke for the thread, but several years ago Hurricane Charlie passed through Central Florida just east of us. I looked out the window during the height of the storm and noticed a bird standing on the ground just next to my car tire, not a feather ruffled! This was the storm that destroyed the hangar at Lake Wales.



Yeah and the US CRW team was out training that day. They kept jumping until Charley came in, then they hunkered in the innermost room in the hangar until it was all over. The Otter in the hangar ended up 180 degrees from where it was originally parked. :S

The team then got T-shirts with the image of a hurricane on the front with the words "Charley blew the US CRW team" :D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall outside their community.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. Behind the two silver walls was a small room.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a really old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The silver walls opened and the lady walked between them into the small room.

The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son… “Go get your Mother.”


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Outsourcing!
Outsourcing!
They are outsourcing everything these days .... even telephone help lines!

The other day I was feeling so depressed that I called the suicide not-line. The connection was slow and scratchy, but eventually I got to talk to a guy with an Arab or pakistani accent ..... I could not hear clearly enough to identify his accent.
"Garble, garble, mumble .... suicide hot-line. How can we help you?"
So I started telling about my problems with airplane wrecks and lawyers ...
He interrupted me to ask "Can you drive a truck?"

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Hi folks,

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lie down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi foks,

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or not, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a bath robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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