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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

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Hi folks,

Guys, this is why it is like it is:

Here is the Lost Chapter in Genesis....

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam paused, then he asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

The rest is history...


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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One day, Adam was talking to God.
Adam; "God, i have something to ask you...Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
God; "Well Adam, so that you would love her."
Adam; "But God, why did you make her so friggin stupid?"
God; "Well Adam, so that she would love you":)

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Hi folks,

Hey, Professor Kallend, you out there; this one is for you:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.

The lady agreed, and the twomen found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, uh, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes.' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Morning, Jerry

The LABOR BOARD suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

LABOR BOARD AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them"

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

LABOR BOARD AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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Hi folks,

A couple was out for a drive one night when they get pulled over by a cop.

The cop asked the husband that was driving, 'Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?'

The husband said, 'No.'

Then the wife said, 'You know you were speeding and that is why he pulled us over.'

Then the husband says to the wife, 'Shut the f*** up.'

At that point the cop said, 'Sir, you did not use your directional signals either.'

Then the husband said, 'Officer, you are mistaken because I always use my signals.'

And the wife said, 'You never use your signals.'

Then the husband said, 'I told you to shut the f*** up.'

At that point the cop looked at the wife and asked, 'Does he always talk to you like that?'

And the wife says, 'No sir, he is really a nice person, he only talks to me like that when he has been drinking.'


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A woman is brought into court on a shoplifting charge.

The Judge asks the District Attorney what the woman stole.

"A can of sliced pineapple," says the DA.

"How many slices of pineapple were in the can?", asks the Judge.

"Six," says the DA.

"Ma'am; I'm afraid that I have to sentence you to six days in jail."

The woman's husband then asked to address the court...

"Your Honor; she also stole a can of peas..."


:)

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf, when they began to discuss the possibility of playing golf on Christmas.

One remarked how nice it would be to wake up Christmas morning and, without getting into an argument with his wife, go directly to the golf course to play a round with his three buddies.

All three chimed in, "Let's do it! We'll each figure out a way and meet here Christmas morning."

When Christmas morning arrives, as planned the four of them meet on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! My wife can't take her eyes off of the diamond ring I had to buy her."

Number two guy sighs, "My wife is at home planning our cruise. When I last saw her, she was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Golfer number three shakes his head, "Well, my wife is at home reading the manual for her new car."

They all turned to the last guy in the group, who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds. He exclaims, "I can't believe this golf game was so expensive for all of you. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." She told me, "Take a sweater."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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Hi folks,

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Sh****** Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware...

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters...'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be sh****** me.'


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.

I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'

Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'







He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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BIGUN


You sure he's still alive? Have you checked lately? :D



Probably been posted already but along the same lines...

A beautiful lady with large bosoms walked into the elevator that I was in. My eyes were predictably fixated on them. She had her hands full of shopping bags and asked "please press one" So I did...

I don't remember much after that.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Hi folks,

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is a couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

“It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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