JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi Divalent,

Quote

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal mentions how law school enrollment is dropping off.

My son is an attorney; I'll send him your jokes,

Jerry Baumchen

[fog52 58]

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said,
"I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face
suffocates me!
The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as
a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to
when I pull your tooth."

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[decompresion 2]

The doorbell rings at a woman's door the day after Halloween. She finds a kid dressed all in red.
"I am your period. Aren't you glad I'm just a bit late?"

(He got ALL the leftover candy)

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

While in China , an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his willy covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your willy.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his willy and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my willy!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself!!!!”



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

Hints on how to liven up your idle hours ... To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Watch'em slow down.

2. On all your check stubs, write For Marijuana.

3. Skip down the street, rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity:

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Jerry Baumchen

[SethInMI 145]

What is the difference between a blonde and a pair of glasses?

The blonde sits a little lower on your face.

It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

[CheshireKat 0]

JerryBaumchen

Hints on how to liven up your idle hours ...

Hmmm... I would only dare to do a couple of those things. What does that say about me?

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

Jake is an elderly widower who lives at Shady Acres Care Home.

One day Sadie, who lives down the hall, comes over. "Jake," she says, "tomorrow the group bus is going over to see that new movie, and I'd like to go. But I haven't been to a movie since my husband died, and I'm nervous about going alone. Will you go as my date?"

Jake thinks for a moment. "You know, I haven't seen a movie since my wife died. I'd like to... But I have a request. Whenever we'd go to movies, I'd unzip, and my wife would hold my winkie during the film. Would you do that for me?"

Sadie thinks about it. "Why not? We're both in our 80's. What have I got to lose?" So they go to the theater, she holds his winkie for the whole 90 minutes, and they both have a good time.

This goes on for the next several months, at every Wednesday movie outing.

Then, one day, Sadie calls to make sure they're on for that afternoon's trip, but Jake can't go. "I have a cold, Sadie. Sorry."

And the next time. "Sadie, I have a doctor's appointment."

And the next: "Oh, Sadie. I can't. I have to wash my hair."

"Jake, you don't have hair."

"I mean, the hair on my back."

This continues for another few weeks. Finally, Sadie confronts Jake outside the day room.

Sadie: "Jake, what's really going on? Why aren't you going to the movies with me anymore? No excuses."

Jake: "I... I've been going to them with Irma instead. I didn't know how to tell you without hurting your feelings."

Sadie: "IRMA? In room 507? Why? What does Irma have that I don't?"

Jake: "Parkinson's disease."



Jerry Baumchen

[Guest]

My favorite joke:

A duck walks into the supermarket, and says to the clerk--

"Ya got any grapes?!"

The startled clerk says, "Uh..no..."

The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back, and says again--

"Ya got any grapes?!"

Emboldened, the clerk replies--

"No! We don't have any grapes!" The duck leaves.

The NEXT day: the duck says again--

"Ya got any grapes?!"

The clerk replies--

"I told you we don't have any grapes, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back, and asks the clerk--

""Ya got any nails?!"

The clerk says "No, we don't have any nails."

And then the duck says--

"Ya got any grapes?!"



.

German version--


Eine Ente geht in den Supermarkt,
und sagt, an den Verkäufer
"Hast du keine Trauben ?!"

Und der Verkäufer sagt: "Nein, wir haben nicht die Trauben"

Die Ente geht weg.

Am nächsten Morgen, die Ente zurück und sagt, wieder an den Verkäufer
"Hast du keine Trauben ?!"

Der Verkäufer sagt,

"Ich habe dir gesagt, wir haben keine Trauben, und wenn Sie mich fragen, dass wieder Ich werde deine Füße mit Schwimmhäuten auf den Boden zu nageln!" Die Ente geht.

Am nächsten Tag, die Ente der Verkäufer fragt: "Haben Sie Nägel ?!" Der Verkäufer sagt "Nein"

Und dann die Ente fragt:

"Hast du keine Trauben ?!"

mh
.

"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

[flyhi 24]

One for the UK fans:

The Queen and Kate Middleton are out for a ride in the Queen's Bentley. Suddenly, they are stopped by highwaymen.

"Give us all your jewels," they say to the Queen.

"I haven't got any jewels," the Queen replies.

The highwaymen turn to Kate.

"You, you give us all of your jewels!"

She also replies, "I haven't got any jewels with me."

The robbers look at each other, make the two ladies get out of the Bentley, and steal the car.

As the Queen and Kate M are walking down the road, Kate turns to the Queen and says, "Your Majesty, you did have jewels on before we were stopped. What happened to them?"

The Queen says,"I took my jewels off and hid them in my vagina. And what about you? You also had jewels on before we were stopped. What happened to them?"

Kate responded, "I also hid my jewels in my vagina."

The Queen sighed and said, "Too bad Camilla wasn't with us. We could have saved the Bentley."

Shit happens. And it usually happens because of physics.

[BIGUN 1,051]

Some Shorties:

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays.”

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.

You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.

And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

'Circumcised'

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

BRITISH HUMOUR

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe, a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realising that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle.

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, "Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired?"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir,you seem to have thrown the wrong b**** out the window."



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

Awesome!

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

I think this describes me pretty well.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[decompresion 2]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

After a particularly difficult day at the office, a guy finally crawls into bed.

He turns to his wife and whispers "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"

"Oh, what a pity," she smiled, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week !!"



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.

He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his
life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if this guy could go on with no arms.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My butt itches."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

For the non-technical among us,

Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said: "You're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks: "What in the world does that mean?"

He said: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot."

She smiled happily and said: "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said: "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

Car keys!!

They weren't in my pockets!

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"



Jerry Baumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,047]

Hi folks,

Three blondes were applying for the last available position in the Multnomah County Sheriff's Department. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice such things as distinguishing features and oddities, like scars and tattoos."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the same photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Did you notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other bimbo? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde replied, "I sure did! This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, examined the picture and began reviewing some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duhhhhhhh! With only one eye and one ear he certainly can't wear glasses!"



Jerry Baumchen

[akarunway 1]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.