Mr.Bill 0 #576 September 15, 2014 Most roosters do NOT lay eggs. If yours does you have a million dollar bird. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SCS292 1 #577 September 15, 2014 oldwomanc6If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a four-sided roof. which, lies on the North Pole; which direction would the egg roll? N S E W? Is that true north or magnetic? Rick, Texas A&M class of '72 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #578 September 15, 2014 oldwomanc6 If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a four-sided roof. which, lies on the North Pole; which direction would the egg roll? Every direction is South from there. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #579 September 15, 2014 Mr.Bill Most roosters do NOT lay eggs. If yours does you have a million dollar bird. Oops. that's right. The rooster lays the HEN. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 38 #580 September 16, 2014 JohnMitchell ***Most roosters do NOT lay eggs. If yours does you have a million dollar bird. Oops. that's right. The rooster lays the HEN. Nice recovery! lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
metalslug 31 #581 September 16, 2014 How does one think the unthinkable ? ... With an itheberg. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #582 September 20, 2014 Hi folks, A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment...... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them... After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have finally been answered.' JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #583 September 20, 2014 Hi folks, Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonely prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales... Fearless Frank, the hand from Wyoming said, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth." Snake River Ben from Texas couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bugger with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache." Old Red River Sam, the cowboy from Idaho, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker... JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gene03 0 #584 September 21, 2014 A stripper pops out of the cake at the 90 yr olds birthday party and asks: "Are you in the mood for some super sex?" "I'll take the soup." was his reply.“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him. Stanislaw Jerzy Lec quotes (Polish writer, poet and satirist 1906-1966) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #585 September 21, 2014 Hi folks, And old man got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?” He'd had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, he took the apple juice off the tray and put it in the bedside stand. Later he was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said,“My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.” At this, the old man snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!” The nurse fainted... JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #586 September 21, 2014 How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it will take 30 visits and it won't stay changed... How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes a long, long time, it's very expensive, and the light bulb has to WANT to change. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #587 September 23, 2014 JohnMitchell How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it will take 30 visits and it won't stay changed... How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes a long, long time, it's very expensive, and the light bulb has to WANT to change. How many gynecologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Who cares, he has a head lamp flashlight.I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #588 September 25, 2014 Hi folks, Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said; “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.” Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, “Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.” Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.” “I'm sorry to hear that,” the Priest said, “We will get you a better bed.” After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest. “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.” “Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. “You may say two words today.” “I quit,” said Sister Mary. “It's probably best,” said the Priest, “You've done nothing but complain since you got here.” JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #589 October 1, 2014 Hi folks, Giuseppe excitedly told his mother he'd fallen in love and he is going to get married. He said, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try to guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agreed. The next day, he brought three beautiful women into the house, sat them down on the couch, and they chatted for a while. He then said, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to marry." Mama said immediately, "The one on the right." "That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?" Mama replied: "I don't like her." Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #590 October 3, 2014 Hi Jerry, An elderly couple, after 65 years of marriage, were discussing their last days, and the husband asked her to go to the trunk of his car. She opened it and found 4 ears of corn, withered and dead. He said honey, I apologize, but every time I cheated on you, I stuck an ear of corn in the trunk. She sighed, and with a tear in her eye, she opened her own trunk, and there sat 2 ears of corn, not quite edible, but close. . . and next to them was a box. Intruiged, the old man opened the box and found 12 thousand dollars there. Puzzled, he asked about the money, they could have used it when times were tough. She replied that she trusted him to get them through the tough times. He finally asked the question she was waiting for . . . "Where did you get the money?" She kissed him on the cheek, and said that, like him, every time she cheated, she put an ear of corn in the trunk . . . but every time she got a bushel, she sold it! I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,053 #591 October 3, 2014 A tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo. A few kilometers further on, he came upon a small town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink. Sitting at the bar, he looked around and noticed a one legged guy in the corner masturbating without a care in the world. The tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this?! A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo, and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone!" The barman said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #592 October 7, 2014 George Carlin's Theory on Life The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out because you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, Spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm.Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 38 #593 October 8, 2014 fog52 George Carlin's Theory on Life The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out because you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, Spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm. lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #594 October 8, 2014 A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." " What did you do?" asks the doctor. "Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, "'Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that."Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #595 October 8, 2014 10 Reasons Why Guns Are Better Than Women: 10 You Can Trade an Old 44 for a New 22 9 You Can Keep One Handgun at Home and Have Another For The Road 8 If You Admire a Friend's Handgun, He'll Probably Let You Try It Out 7 Your Primary Handgun Doesn't Mind if You Keep Another One For a Backup 6 Your Handgun Will Stay With You Even if You Run Out of Ammo 5 A Handgun Doesn't Take Up a Lot of Closet Space 4 Handguns Function Normally Every Day of the Month 3 A Handgun Doesn't Ask, "Do These New Grips Make Me Look Fat?" 2 A Handgun Doesn't Mind if You Go To Sleep After You Use It 1 You Can Buy a Silencer For a HandgunMagna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #596 October 8, 2014 A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, " Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #597 October 8, 2014 Hi folks, Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound, and never left the house for 5 years. It is now believed that he called the US Navy Seals himself. Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #598 October 9, 2014 10 Reasons Why Halloween Is Better Than Sex: 10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack. 9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some. 8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 7. Less guilt the morning after. 6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are. 5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy. 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door. 3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again. 2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 1. You can do the whole neighborhood!Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #599 October 9, 2014 In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a > tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. > > As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that > her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the > first step of the bus. > > Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she > reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would > give her enough slack to raise her leg. > > She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. > So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip > her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once > again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. > > With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a > little more and again was unable to take the step. > > About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up > easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went > ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, 'How dare you > touch my body ! I don! 't even know you!' > > The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with > you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was > friends.'Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
fog52 58 #600 October 9, 2014 The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Theresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "AMagna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
