JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'He was 96,' she replied, 'two years younger than me.'

'So you're 98?' the undertaker commented.

She responded, 'Yup, hardly worth going home, isn’t it?'



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks.

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my naked body, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, "Vair in da world is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"



Jerry Baumchen

[fog52 58]

This guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar and approaches her to
start some small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off, he asked her
name.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself." she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting", he said. "Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men." she said gazing directly into
his eyes. Then she asked "What's your name?"

Returning her gaze, he replied, "Beerfuck."

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a
suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get
paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas
too.I want to see you live on $800 a year."

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

This is really old & dumb but I could't resist. Have a nice weeked!!

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow are
> > hired at a construction site.
> >
> > The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and
> > says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of
> > sweeping."
> > To the Scotsman, he says, "You're in
> > charge of shovelling."
> > And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge
> > of supplies."
> >
> > He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a
> > little while. I expect you guys to make a big dent in that
> > pile."
> >
> > So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and
> > when he returns, the pile of sand is still untouched.
> >
> > He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you
> > sweep any of it?"
> >
> > The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You
> > saida to the Chinese fella that he awasa in acharge of
> > supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I nocoulda finda him
> > nowhere."
> >
> > Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says,
> > "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this
> > pile."
> >
> > The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot
> > ah couldnay get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese
> > feller in charge of supplies, boot
> > ahcouldnay fin' him either."
> >
> > The foreman is really angry now and storms off
> > toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just
> > then, the Chinese guy leaps out from
> > behind the pile of sand and yells:
> > "SUPPLIES

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Himfolks,

Just for you, Lisa:

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:

Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

Sergeant : What is her height ?

Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .

Sergeant : Build?

Husband : Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant : Color of eyes?

Husband : Never noticed.

Sergeant : Color of hair?

Husband : Changes according to season.

Sergeant : What was she wearing?

Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant : Did she go in a car?

Husband : yes.

Sergeant : What kind of car was it?

Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....at this point the husband started crying....

Sergeant : Don't worry sir....We’ll find your car.



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A young Minnesota farm couple, Ole and Lena, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Ole left the house for the fields, they made love. When Ole came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their "nooner"; it took Ole a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Ole asked the town doctor what to do.

"Ole," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Lena's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Ole came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Ole. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Lena'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Ole. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."



Jerry Baumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At a session, the priest asked Giuseppe, a second generation Italian immigrant, and approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes to share an insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for the 50th wedding anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."



Jerry Baumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

Do I detect a recurring theme.

You seem a little cynical.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BIGUN 1,053]

~ Nine Essential Thoughts To Ponder ~


Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention! For example,

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[oldwomanc6 38]

True dat.


Wait, that didn't sound right.


nevermind,






shit.







nevermind.








sounds like JB is doing it wrong.


Shit, it still sounds wrong.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly. And then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty.'

When the doctor examined his elderly wife later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bugger!!!'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is always in August.'



Jerry Baumchen

[BIGUN 1,053]

Morning, Jerry... some one-liners I received this morning.


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone..

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA..

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"



Jerry Baumchen

[BillyVance 34]

Just got this one the other day...

What happens to a pretty boy in prison?

He turns from a tight end to a wide receiver.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[fog52 58]

>The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
>
>"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
>So, I tied her up and went deer hunting.

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. 
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' 

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. 

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. 

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.... Do you think we could...?’
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough. I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[fog52 58]

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say
it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?


(The rest of these are reruns...)



16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[BIGUN 1,053]

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.

Not 2:15.

Not 2:05.

Precisely at 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy... look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Domino's and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You, Grandma

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[decompresion 2]

A young woman asked her grandmother how she can tell if her boyfriend is a virgin
Grandma gives her blue paint, red paint and a shovel
"Paint half your pubic area blue and the other half red. If he's never been with a woman before he will be surprised"
The young woman asks
"What if he's not surprised?"
-"Hit him with the shovel"

There are no dangerous dives
Only dangerous divers

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Two Senior Citizens were discussing their upcoming marriage and new life together...

She: "I want to keep my old house. I can rent it out, earning myself a bit of money, and if we go bust, I'll have someplace to land."

He: "Okay."

She: "And I really like my Cadillac. You should always make sure that I always have a new one to drive."

He: "Done."

She: "And I want to have sex, six times a week; I'm not getting any younger, and time's a-wasting!"

He: "Excellent idea; put me down for Fridays..."



Jerry Baumchen

[Divalent 89]

Two brothers, 8 and 6 years old, were getting ready for breakfast when the older brother said, "I think we're old enough to start using cuss words like grown-ups, so when we go eat breakfast, let's use some cuss words. I'll say, "Hell", and you say, "Fat Ass." They agreed and went to breakfast.

After sitting down, their mother asked the 8-year-old what he wanted for breakfast. He replied, "Oh Hell, I think I will have some Cheerios." "What did you say?" his mother yelled. She went over and slapped him so hard that he fell out of his chair. She picked him up off the floor, dragged him to his room, and slammed the door.

When she got back in the kitchen, the 6-year-old was sitting there wide-eyed. She asked sharply, "Now young man what do you want for breakfast?" he stuttered and said, "I don't know but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!!"