JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was very nice for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the CROCODILE..'

Some old men can still think fast...



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A blonde woman and her neighbor were talking.

The neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blond replied: "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

A blond is in the bathroom and her husband shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" She says, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me". The blonde says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", he shouts, "This is her husband!"

An Italian tourist asks a blonde:"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses.

One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

JerryBaumchen

[oldwomanc6 38]

Jerry, keep 'em coming. They make me laugh!




























Most of them, anyway.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff.... I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.'

'And here I am.'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons..."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi filks,

With apologies to Susan Boyle.

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this April from 72 to only 36. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, England in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".

Spokesmen for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'

A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'

A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'

A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'

A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'

A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'

A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.

Well, I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the
church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya,

MAMA

JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

The wife left this note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on !! and the beer was cold.........

God only knows what she was talking about!!

JerryBaumchen

[irishrigger 31]

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"


As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

[irishrigger 31]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[irishrigger 31]

Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making happy in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years".

[irishrigger 31]

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump. Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

[feuergnom 22]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

"Yaaa, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster?"

"Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from ...me Genie."

"You haff a Genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Yaaa, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

"Could I see him?"

So, Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Olaf, "Yumpin' Yimmny, I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

Olaf answers, "Yaaa, I forgot to tell yew, da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?!

JerryBaumchen

It's funny how the same joke runs in different countries. I've known this one for years but never figured out how to translate and make it work in english btw: love the other ones you posted!

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[feuergnom 22]

a couple's having their 50th wedding anniversary, they are still very fond of each other. so she suggests that they have breakfast like in the times they were young - naked. as they are sitting at the table smiling at each other she says: "honey, looking at you gives my heart such a warm feeling."
"no wonder. your tit is hanging in the coffee-mug"




three old ladies are bragging about their successfull, wealthy sons and what kind of presents they can afford for their mothers.
first one: my son took me on a cruise on hisown yacht a for half year.
second one: thats nothing. mine just bought me this nice little island in the carribean. he's also paying for the staff
third one: mine's been in therapy for the last 30 years. 5 times a week for 2 hours. and who's he talking about? ME!

The universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle

dudeist skydiver # 666

[BIGUN 1,053]

When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit!

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit............

***********
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
When you are over sixty-five who gives a shit?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[funjumper101 15]

David decided to propose to Penny, but prior to her acceptance Penny felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed David that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, David felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
David looked Penny in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem. My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'
She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'
Penny and David got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. David whisked Penny off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.
As Penny put her hands in David's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! David ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!' 'Yes, it is David said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long.

Another one -

How I lost my teeth....

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ass. She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?" She said, "I sure do." I said, " Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing."

A third -

Husband calling wife from hospital:
Wife - Hello ?
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. > The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.

Wife - "Who is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married

A fourth -

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened, I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, I’m fine”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…..”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clydes answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now what the hell would you say?”

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel down the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died.”



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks..

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

This is one for the ladies.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Finish laundry, fix dinner, have a glass of wine, e-mail the grand kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet before I go to bed.'

So I headed to the site of my demise, 'the bathroom'. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax...all you do is just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whatever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss....how hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I can follow directions and I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK !?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius 'kicks in' so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, 'Yeah right') I Lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. IT WORKS! O.K., so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't toooo bad. I can do this, I say to myself with a proud smile. Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am SHE-RA, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of the smooth skin (extraordinary)! With my next strip I move north. I prep for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretch down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY OH MY!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the Strip. CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted with bright stars. I think I may pass out...M U S T S t A y C O n S c I o U S...... M u S t- S T a Y...... Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe; O.K...... Back to normal! I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There is NO hair on it!!! Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX ?????

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT! I touch---I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!! Then I make the next BIG mistake....remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut!!! My butt is sealed shut!!! SEALED SHUT !@!#*! (not even air can get in there)! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself. P L E A S E-- PLEASE don't let me get the urge to poop! ..... 'My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? WHAT MELTS WAX? My brain is scrambling. HOT WATER!!! Hot water melts wax. I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub... Get in. I immerse the wax covered parts and the wax should just melt and then I can gently wipe it off, right? Yeah that will work! WRONG!!! I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water!!! Which, by the way........ doesn't melt cold wax!!! So - now, I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless my adult kids who had convinced me a few months ago to bring my cell phone everywhere, even to the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter....'So my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub! ' There is a slight pause....she doesn't know any secret tricks for hair removal under water but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. She says are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha? She is laughing out loud by now... I can hear her!!! There is no shame in her disregard for my pain ... She is rolling over with laughter. .... I wait. I give her the run down and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!! I say .. I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various possible solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. NOTHING feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in cold wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub, in scalding hot water, and then - try dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I am pretty sure I am going to need 'Post Traumatic Stress' counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me and then I finally see my saving grace...THE BOX… the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax! What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY --OH - OH MOMMASITTA !!@*! The scream probably woke my husband and scared the s*** out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. It feels like an earthquake is forcing my flesh apart. IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up laughing while trying to sound soulfully sincere. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair......THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . . .



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A young lady visits the doctor complaining about a green rash on the inside of her thighs.

The doctor examines her, sees that the green is really there and tells her to button up and come to his office.

"From what I can see", he says, "I'd say your boyfriend rides a Harley."

"Wow," that's right she says, "how did you know that?"

"That isn't important", says the doctor. "Just tell him his ear rings aren't real gold."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'



JerryBaumchen