JerryBaumchen 1,048 #451 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, I had amnesia once---or twice. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. My weight is perfect for my height--which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. How can there be self-help "groups"? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. Is it me --or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #452 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, Just for you Andy 9o8, WHEN ENGINEERS GO TO HELL An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to H***. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in H***. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, H*** has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: So, how are things in H***? Satan replies: Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. God exclaims: What!!!! You've got an engineer!!! That's a mistake, he should never have been sent to H***. Send him to me immediately!!!! Not a chance, Satan replies, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him! God insists: Send him back or I'll sue! Satan laughs uproariously and answers: Yeah, right, and just where are you planning to get a lawyer? JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #453 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!" So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Pasquale. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #454 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, A guy goes to the doctors office to get the results of his wife's test. The doctor tells him there has been a mixup with the tests. Seems they had two Mrs. Smiths in that week and they got the test results mixed up, so they didn't know who had what results. One Mrs Smith's results showed Alzheimer's. The other showed various STD's. The doctor said it would be a week until they could sort things out. Mr. Smith wondered what he should do for the next week. The doctor said, take her for a ride out in the country and drop her off. If she finds her way home, don't have sex with her! JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #455 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed...... On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #456 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try." "That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect." So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight". "Where did it go?" says Arthur. "I don't remember." JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #457 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, I came home from work one day and I found the wife on the floor. I called 911 and they took her to the hospital. The Doctor comes out and tells me, "Your wife doesn't look good at all". I told him I already knew that but she is a great cook and good with the kids. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #458 June 29, 2014 Hi folks, And another one for Andy 9o8; must be lawyer day. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger." JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thunderbow 1 #459 June 30, 2014 ***Q. Why is one side of a V formation of geese in flight longer than the other? A. Because there are more geese on that side. *** I was banned from the thread for less than this. Not only that, but this is one of my everyday jokes that I passed on putting on the thread.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Lord, let me be the person my dog thinks I am. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
muff528 3 #460 June 30, 2014 Thunderbow Quote Q. Why is one side of a V formation of geese in flight longer than the other? A. Because there are more geese on that side. I was banned from the thread for less than this. Not only that, but this is one of my everyday jokes that I passed on putting on the thread. Yet, here I seem to be getting a pass for it. --and to respond to BIGUN ...yes, my nieces and nephews love me for this kind of stuff. They think I'm great. (My son remains unimpressed, though.) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #461 July 4, 2014 Hi folks, A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription." JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #462 July 4, 2014 Hi folks, A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 92 years old.. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful buggers should remember that fairies are female..... JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #463 July 4, 2014 Hi folks, An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?” The girl, crying, replied, sniff, and sniff...”Dad ...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are." "OK, Daddy -- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mommy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a 10-bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque...For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex... And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean and.” "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute, Daddy!" Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Mercy! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug." JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #464 July 4, 2014 Hi folks, A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway. He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church." "Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the church last week?" Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected." The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? Louie just nodded. "That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie." Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!" "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?" JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #465 July 4, 2014 Hi folks, A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies, "Get out you idiot. You're on my side!" JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #466 July 4, 2014 This tweet in reference to the World Cup game involving Germany had me laughing my ass off. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #467 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day in a Mexican village. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. sometimes the bull wins.' JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #468 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it." His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Congress too" ..... What state do you represent? JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #469 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light. "Yaaa, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster?" "Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from ...me Genie." "You haff a Genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked. "Yaaa, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf. "Could I see him?" So, Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes, I will," says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Olaf, "Yumpin' Yimmny, I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!" Olaf answers, "Yaaa, I forgot to tell yew, da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?! JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #470 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, So little Larry goes to a livestock auction with his father. He watches as his fathers checks out a horse. His father runs his hands down the horse's neck, along the horse's back and down the horses legs. Larry; Why are you doing that Dad? Dad: I like to check out a horse before I buy it. Larry: Well I think the UPS man is thinking about buying Mom. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
promise5 17 #471 July 12, 2014 Ooooohhhh! That's gross!No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible. Believe me I tried. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #472 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, A kid was crying, sitting outside his house. A passer by asked: Kid why are you crying? Kid: My parents are fighting inside the house. Passerby: Who is your dad? Kid: That's what the fight is about. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #473 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, I'm getting too old to shop, I'm sending this from the police station. I had a little problem at the market today, I was at the checkout, and the cashier said "strip down, facing me". Apparently, she was talking about my debit card. JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #474 July 12, 2014 Hi folks, She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door... I rushed to open it. She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "No, No,…I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,048 #475 July 12, 2014 i folks, The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea." And the lawyer says, "So. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the H*** makes you think I'd give any to you?" JerryBaumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
