JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... SO, are you telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "NO, NO, NO... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks

His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.

Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said: "OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the car!!!!"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.



JerryBaumchen

[aarco 0]

So every 50 th guy down from the top 150 in the matrix tower has a small change to his micro chip, this guy tells me over a beer after I leave the er from broken bone day, small price to pay the hookturn GODs , as I crawl through life happy or sad, yet I can,t for the life of me remember ever hitting the ground, reminds me of that time I built a psychic commando helmit out of a frozen plusinta, talk about beer goggels, "wow joey there,s another one of them on the stairs, shoot,em". Oh well jfk's ghost is after me again, gotta run:) Next week Jurrasic Park park I sware, oh my God the spelling, you poor frozen soldier,,,,.....

Having something never beats doing (>|<)
Iam building things - Iam working on my mind- I am going to change this world - its what I came here 4- - -

[oldwomanc6 38]

Mmmkaay. Tell us again, what IS your first language? It doesn't appear to be English.

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[BIGUN 1,053]

>>>>>Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Ba BAYAMMM!!!!

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Divalent 89]

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house!"

[fog52 58]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

Magna res est vocis et silentii temperamentum

[Baksteen 84]

fog52

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Betty, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

You left out the american mom and her daughter Sue.

"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog..

It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."

She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding, she would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out..

Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it & I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.

He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically... 'What's so bad now? Are you going to be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A friend was trying to get on a website to buy a product, but she was having difficulties setting her password. The interchange went as follows:

"Please create your password below."
roses

"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1friggingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FRIGGINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FriggingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FriggingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDon'tGiveMe AccessRightNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FriggingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use".



JerryBaumchen

[BillyVance 34]

JerryBaumchen

Hi folks,

A friend was trying to get on a website to buy a product, but she was having difficulties setting her password. The interchange went as follows:

"Please create your password below."
roses

"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1friggingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FRIGGINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FriggingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FriggingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDon'tGiveMe AccessRightNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FriggingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourA$$IfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use".



JerryBaumchen

At that point the computer would be smashed to pieces and I'd be drinking beer.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says....................







Wait for it....










'Grandpa.......... Go home!'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride wearing white?'

Mother replied 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought for a moment and then asked, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A guy was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good samaritans and take him home.

First, they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Enjoy:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.


"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's all the impurities in our air and water that are doing it"

--Al Gore, Vice President


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-- Dan Quayle


"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL Quarterback & sports analyst.


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina


"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery



JerryBaumchen

[Tisket 0]

Ever wonder what to give a fireman's wife for christmas?


More hose.

If you can't convince them, keep them confused.

[BillyVance 34]

JerryBaumchen

'Grandpa.......... Go home!'



JerryBaumchen

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed, 'for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.'



JerryBaumchen

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi folks,

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'



JerryBaumchen

[irishrigger 31]

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He checked his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.



When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the dole office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."