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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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BillyVance

***This guy lived next door to a couple of lesbians.
On his birthday, they knocked on the door and handed him a nice gift wrapped box.
He opened it to find a brand new Presidential Rolex.
He stood there looking at it and said, "I didn't say I wanted A watch;" I said, "I want TO watch."



Sooo... did they get him another one let him? :ph34r:FiFY :)
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died, when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

(HERE IT COMES!!!)


The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."
Do your part for global warming: ban beans and hold all popcorn farts.

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WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas. Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding, with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was destroyed by the lightning strike, the church folks, being rather smug about the event, began bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week Jill 'Big Jugs' Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business--either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and, at the opening hearing commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire congregation of Baptists who think it's all bullshit.”

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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Ya know it'd be the beginning assertion in a debate over there :)

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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Lucky McSwervy and a few girlfriends are out to dinner one night when one of her friends comments on how perfect her complexion is.

She asks Lucky if she has any beauty secrets to share.

"No secret" says Lucky, "Once a week I soak 2-3 hours in a bathtub of warm milk."

"Pasteurized?" asks her friend.

"No, just up to my tits."
“The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec quotes (Polish writer, poet and satirist 1906-1966)

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At a recent gathering of Superheros Batman & Superman were flying around enjoying the afternoon sunshine when Batman says to Superman, "I bet that as old as you are, you can't even get it up anymore."

Offended, Superman says, "oh yeah just follow me."

Shortly thereafter they fly over Wonder Woman's house & lo & behold she is outside tanning naked in her back yard, on her back with her legs spread widely. Superman says to Batman "hold my beer & watch this."

Superman flies at the speed of light down to Wonder Woman jumps her & bang, bang, bang, & immediately flies off, again at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman obviously shaken up says "holy shit what was that?"

Invisible Man says, " I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

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A homeless guy was pickin through a trash bin in the park when 3 young bullies started molesting him for fun.

Suddenly, a guy jumped out of the bush, all dressed in black, with black eye mask and black hat and black cape and big "Z" on his chest and a floret (fencing foil) in his hand.
Started beating bullies and carving "Z" on their asses while they were running away.

He turns and says: "My good man, you are free of those!"
Homeless guy: "Well thank you..... Zuperman"

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Gene03

Lucky McSwervy and a few girlfriends are out to dinner one night when one of her friends comments on how perfect her complexion is.

She asks Lucky if she has any beauty secrets to share.

"No secret" says Lucky, "Once a week I soak 2-3 hours in a bathtub of warm milk."

"Pasteurized?" asks her friend.

"No, just up to my tits."


EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:


“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”





“Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

FORGET THE SHRINKS...
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!
IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION!
Do your part for global warming: ban beans and hold all popcorn farts.

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Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

It isn't called brotherly love for no reason:

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


:P

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

And one more:

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: .........."No, she didn't. She just walked in."


:)

JerryBaumchen

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Hi BIGUN,

And just for the guys:

A recent article in the Dominion Post reported that a woman, has sued Wellington Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."


:)

JerryBaumchen

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BIGUN

So. you didn't like it the first time in Post #279? ;)

Which post was this one? It's an old one.


Subject: A Woman entered a Bar
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $10.00.. on one condition..."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $10 from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."
Do your part for global warming: ban beans and hold all popcorn farts.

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New York City lawyer has had enough stress and decides to spend a couple of years in the wilderness of Minnesota to get away from the rat race and people for a while. He buys a cabin in the woods that is miles away from his nearest neighbor. Peace and tranquility reign for a few months and the lawyer is really feeling a sense of freedom and regeneration through nature's beauty and his labors. Then, one evening he is surprised to hear a knock at his door. No one around for miles ....who could this be? He opens the door and and the opening is eclipsed by a very big Swede in overalls and plaid shirt. His rosy face is framed with a bright red full beard and scraggily long red hair. He presents his giant, puffy hand to the lawyer and introduces himself. Hello, I'm your neighbor, Sven. I want to invite you to a party at my place next week. The lawyer thought to himself that he really is ready to mingle with people now and that a party might be a welcome change in his routine. "Yes, I'll be happy to come" he says. Sven says, "I just want to warn you that there might be some wild sex going on there." "No problem with that!" replies the lawyer. "There's probably gonna be a lot of drinking, carousing, scrapping and fighting, too", says the big Swede. The city boy says, "I can deal with that, too. I used to do a little boxing in the Navy." "OK, then", says Sven, "I'll see you next week". ...and he turns to leave. "Wait a minute!" calls the lawyer. "What should I wear?" "Doesn't matter, wear whatever you want..", says the big guy ..."just gonna be the two of us!"

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A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it. The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished." Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft. Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?"
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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