Magnificent Healing: Rob Tonnesen's Ash Dives

[Michele 1]

What am I doing awake at 3:34 am? Doesn't matter; I'm awake, sleep has fled the building. As I slog out of bed, tired, hurting, I brew some coffee and think about the coming day - a day where closure will begin for many people, a day to say goodby and to start the new cycle, a day to celebrate a life all too short.

And I am responsible for it going off well. What if I screw it up? What if I can't handle the last minute problems which started cropping up last night? What if I fail, at this most important moment, this most emotional time? If I fail, if I fuck it up, there will be significant consequences, people will not be able to begin to heal...but if I succeed, if this is successful, if I've made the right choices and thought about all the issues, then people will be able to begin to move forward. I pour a cup of coffee, shoot a pm over to Skybytch, and sit here, trying to chew all I've bitten off. Oh, how arrogant am I to think I could plan this, coordinate this, create this day into something bigger than life. Oh my God...what if I fail? And I understand why I am awake....I know and rely on those who I've asked to help me in this, and I know they will be fine...but what about me? What the hell do I know about ash dives, about memorial services for a skydiver? I've never even seen an ash dive, let alone planned one....

And then, it occurs to me...I've done my best, I will deal with whatever needs to be dealt with if I can stay flexible enough to decide things at the last moment, if I can have enough faith that it will go as it's needed to, even if it isn't what I had prepared for...the time comes for me to get into my car, and as I load up my gear, I look at the blue sky, and sense that this will be a day not soon forgotten, even if it goes all wonky.

As soon as I get to the DZ, I realize it will be wonky. No-one from the group is there, but I have a few notes and things I need to get handled. I start the process, and Clownburner comes walking over, dressed well and looking confident. He is my clergyman, and he will have a bit to say at the memorial service. Relieved that at least one person is here, I start to think about the 20 skydivers and 30 family members and friends who will be coming soon. I hope everyone's alarm clock works well...and then I spot Sparky, bright orange jumpsuit under a bright orange huge canopy. "Linus's Great Pumpkin has arrived", I think, and know that will be alright too. He is organizing the missing man star, and he's done this a bazillion times...he'll know what to do. Between he and Clown, I am starting to think we have a slight chance that this will happen - even if it's only a bit of what I had planned, at least something will happen.

And then I see SonnyChiba, who will be organizing the freeflying campfire. I follow him into his team room, and begin to deal with the first propblem of the day. He tells me that those who we had thought would be on the jump are not able to, they have another commitment...and so here I am, a wonderful freeflyer in front of me. I look at him and say "flexi-fucking-bility....we'll work it out. Can you ask around and see if anyone wants to do this?" "Sure," he says, "I'll get it handled".

And on to the next thing...the star does not have video. And then we haven't a lot of flockers. And JP is going to be flying Rob's canopy (where is the canopy, anyway??? Who has it??) and to combine a wingsuit, a new canopy and video is far too risky. We decide that I'll try to find a wingsuit video, but we'll go without if we have to...but I need to find a video flyer for the star. Lief is doing the video of the memorial, and I ask him if he's willing to do the star if I pay his slot. He readily agrees, and so with a lid on the skydiving part, I go to the office to get caught up on that side of things.

I hustle into Betsy's office, and see the package of Rob's ashes. My stomach jolts a bit at that, and again I realize the seriousness of this event. I make sure Betsy has the bags and I give her the flour she asked me for. She didn't tell me how much to bring, so I brought 10 pounds of it. She laughs at me, but I don't care. It's more than enough, and that means no-one has to run to the store for more. Mr. Tonnesen is there, with his wife, watching the tandem video. I poke my head in, and say "Hi, I'm Michele."

I am immediately enfolded into Mr. Tonnesen's arms, and he is weeping. I have promised him a big hug, and we stand there together for about 30 seconds. I brush his cheek with a kiss, tasting his tears, letting my tears fall too....and I again know the import of what I have tried to do. MaryLou is a tiny person, and as I hug her tightly, I reach for Bob again....and then break the hug, and tell them to watch the bearded Bill Booth and then we can talk. I leave the office feeling oddly happy - I've finally met the family I've been talking to for a while, and I see in Bob's eyes the loss and the gentleness, the depth of his grief, and the barely supressed anticipation of releasing Rob into the blue late summer sky...and I know it will be all right, whatever happens...that Bob will find closure and peace in this day.

And then I run around some more, up to manifest, over to the school, who's handling the tandem, Cajones!!!! Yes, perfect, who's got video? Stan. Good deal...who's got the ash bags? Oh, manifest is paging me...what? Sure, I'll find out a name for you. Who am I looking for? I don't know him. Well, I'll find him....get the name, run back to manifest, and get the easle set up and the boquet out and the pictorial of Rob up and, as noon creeps ever closer, I start to realize this will come together....

And as I catch a breather at the picnic benches, a group of three freeflyers who I've seen around come over to me. Almost timidly, as if I would bite or something, they ask if they can be on the campfire. Sure, I say, I think that would be great. You all have video? Go see Leon, and he'll square you away...and then another jumper comes over and asks if she could be involved, and I ask her if she would be willing to go on the star...and then another freeflyer, sure, and another jumper for the campfire...and we now have three who will flock, but no video. It's all good.

I run back to manifest, and ask them to start the memorial. I forget to get them to turn off the music, and have to bolt back up to manifest and make sure that happens. And as I round the corner, I see them, 50-60 people, standing in silence, with the plane taxiing in the background. I see Bob there, and Marylou, and my heart aches for their loss. Their son is dead. Their friend is dead. And I know that I can help them now. As Clownburner speaks, strong voiced and clear, the group quiets except for the sniffling and the occasional hicupping sob. And overlaid on this, crystal clear, a child's laugher is heard. Bob speaks, a family friend speaks, and then I open my big mouth and say something too. James closes the memorial part, and I kinda brief the whole group together as to timelines, and then gather the skydivers together and "brief" them. And think "how odd. These folks have thousands of jumps, are highly skilled, are very talented, and I'm briefing them. How very very very strange"...and then I go over how the bag works that Mujie will be carrying, talk to Leon about it, and reassure them it will all be fine.

I get everyone manifested, and go chat a bit with Bob. I try to figure out if he's nervous or scared. He had expressed some fear of heights to me a while ago, and when he committed to doing the jump, he had just sort of blurted it out. I wanted him to have every opportunity to not feel like he must go through with it if he couldn't, but he reassured me that he was fine, and, in fact, looking forward to experiencing what his son loved so dearly and had made his life. And then I go back to manifest, and find we've been bumped to a new load. It won't change the timing, though...but I've got to find 18 skydivers and let them know...and then back into the school with Bob, where I'm showing him how the bag works, and he and Cajones are working out the plan. And Bob asks me if I'm going to be there with him, but I tell him no, that's above my skill level...and then Bob realizes I'm not jumping; he wants me to jump, he says, to participate in this. I explain I've got 78 jumps, and that really accomplished folks wanted to honor Rob. My part was on the ground, and it will be alright. That's where I can make the contribution. And I hug him again....

And now, it's time. Bob gets suited up, and I gather the family and friends out by the grass. It's really hot, so we retreat under the tent. And then the questions come. How high do they leave the plane? How big is the parachute? Why is that guy's chute so small? What happens in the door? Did he fall on purpose? And on and on, and I answer as best as I can. I explain about the drogue, and the size of the chute, and the equpiment...and the whole time I am trying to keep an eye on the sky because the plane is up and we can't miss this...and everyone has their cameras and their binoculars, and there I am, unaided. Clownburner is with me, and he asks me if I've had any water, and I realize I haven't had anything since coffee, but I can't leave right then. I promise him as soon as we were done, I'd get some...and I get the group assembled on the concrete and we start playing "spot the plane." And planes were spotted, but not the Otter...and then I hear it, quietly, faintly droning...and it sounds like it's on jump run. And as we are frantically looking, Clown slides a cold water bottle into my hand.

We finally spot the plane as it turns onto jumprun, and Tony, the ramp guy, comes over and says "we have jumpers away"...and we can see spots falling out...and then, oh so small and distant, I see a red speck and know that's Cajones' pants...and point it out to everyone...and everyone sees them.

And suddenly, there's a white explosion, a brilliant white against the endless shimmering blue, 500 feet long, now 1,000...and a second puff of white, and the group gasps...and tears fall. Rob has begun his last jump, his last freefall...and he needs no canopy, no assistance, nothing. He is joy, now, dancing there in the sky; he is free and pure again. And while camera shutters click and sobs are heard, I again hear the child's laugh...and spot the opening of the canopy, red white and blue, and it's whole, good...and now Bob is dancing with his son, playing with his child, near his boy like never before, entwined with Rob's spirit, in Rob's playground, and bringing Rob back home.

And as they turn onto final, the crowd waves and hollers at Bob, and Bob waves with both hands back. He had had a wonderful jump - Bob was glowing, shining, brilliant. And I run out to where the canopy has landed, and watch Cajones hold Bob, and then it's my turn for the hug and Bob cries in my arms. I stand there, rocking a grown man, in the middle of the landing strip, and feel his love pouring out into the world, carrying his grief away, carrying his guilt away, freeing Bob again. And Bob whispers "thank you, Michele. I was able to hold my son all the way until I set him free again.."

And as we walk back, I see the rest of the jumpers loading for their flight, for their tribute, and I know it will be perfect. It could all crumble now, and it would still be perfect. Bob had one last moment with his son.

While we wait for the plane to get to altitude, we are playing "spot the plane" again. There is a bright white trio of somethings off off to the east, and I dismiss it out of hand as jets. Very tight formation, and very strange manouvers, over-under-over, lead plane switching frequently. But they are jets...couldn't be anything else. One of the binocular wearing guys picks them up, and they are not jets...he swears they are some big birds. I don't believe him....so he hands me the binoculars...and they are not jets. "Oh my God," I say, "those look like geese....long necks, black tipped wings...geese???? Geese here? Now??? Flying north???" but yes, that is what they are....and Marylou looks at me, tears flowing, and says "do you often see geese here, Michele?" and I answer honestly "I have never seen geese here...and those look like Canadian geese..." and Marylou breathes out "this is no coincidence...we've just released Rob, and a trio of geese are flying through him." I know that her healing has begun, as well...and I am thankful for that.

But now it's jumprun...we find the plane and we see Sparky leave...the smoke cannister is burning bright pink/red, splashed against the blue. The formation builds, and then we see the freeflyers come out in what looks like a black line...Mujie is somewhere up there, with Rob again for the last time, setting her love free, sending him into the heavens...and then the flockers leave. We can't see them, but I know they are there. And when the star reaches 6, 000, Sparky turns and leaves, streaking across the sky, trailing smoke, blazing through the day...and about 3 seconds after Sparky starts tracking, there is another blinding white splash...Rob is in the sky again, with his friends, touching them, loving them, celebrating with them, thanking them for their friendship and their joy. The first splash has not yet disintegrated, and this one merges with it and becomes a white spot in the sky, joining heaven with earth, family with friends; completing the circle, bringing healing.

As the jumpers start landing, we can see in the distance a green canopy...it's Rob's canopy, carrying JP back. And as JP dances under Rob's canopy, the group becomes silent again, watching the solitary figure alone in the sky, coming home, joining again his family. JP brings off a gorgeous swoop, and the group applaudes mightly the celebration of Rob's friends. As the jumpers come in, they hug, kiss or shake Bob's hand, and whisper their thanks to Marylou.

As JP approaches, Bob and I urge Marylou forward. JP hands Rob's canopy to Marylou, and tells her thank you. Marylou was not expecting that gesture, and I can see how touched she was by JP's grace and humility and appreciation. And I am so very moved by what these jumpers did for Rob and for Rob's family. I am beyond thrilled at how well they were able to make this so very tangible and real and joyous for the Tonnesens, despite their loss and agony.

We mingle after that. Mujie has set up the catered luncheon, and I run around gathering video and getting it to Lief. I make sure everyone on the jump has something to eat, and sit with Rob's family for a bit. My body is hurting, the bleeding has started again and even though I have brought gear, I decide I will not jump today. So I spend time reminiscing with the family, listening to the stories, laughing about Bob's jump. One by one, the friends begin to leave, and soon we are just immediate family left.

I get to see all the raw footage, and give Lief the music I had decided on. George Winston's versions of "Where Are You Now" and "Pachelbel's Kanon". He edits everything together, and shows the family what he's gotten accomplished so far. People from all over the DZ are watching this, people who did not participate, and even they are moved beyond expectation. Lief has created a beautiful montage of the day's events, and I ask Bob if it would be alright for me to get a copy of it and somehow get it onto the 'net for Rob's friends who were not able to attend...and he agrees.

And now it's time to go home. The sun is setting, the day's been a success, and I am beyond exhausted. Sparky and I go to grab dinner, and as we begin to unwind over burgers and rootbeer, the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I realize I haven't been able to cry yet for Rob, or for his family...and today I did, finally. The healing has begun for me, as well.

And as I drive home through the early night, I see the full moon, hugging the foothills, glowing yellow-white and soft. I turn up the stereo to George Winston's Pachelbel, and find the quiet spot in my soul...and say goodbye to Rob, and thank him for letting me help his family through the first and worst part...and tell Rob "I learned more about love today than I knew yesterday". I wave at the moon, and drive on home.

Many and heartfelt thanks to those who made this happen...
James "Clownburner" Mancini, official Clergy and leader of the Memorial

Tandem Ash Dive
Ed "Cajones"
Bob Tonnesen
Stan on video

Missing Man Star:
Michael "MJOSparky" Owens
Lisa "SkyAngel" Parks
CB Thomspon
Mark "Shark" Guinto
Catherine Celli
Christi
Lief on video

Campfire Ash Release
Leon "SonnyChiba" Tosen
Jessica "Mujie96" Miller (love you, girl!)
Bobby Wortley
Bart "Bartman"
Brian The Jeans Man
Joel

Flocking
JP "Diablopilot" Funari
"Grashopper"
Adam "EncinoAdam" Cole

John Hamilton, Betsy Burkey, Kat the Manifest chick (who rocks!!!), and all the rest of those at Elsinore who let us take over planes and landing areas.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Bob and Marylou, thank you for trusting me with Rob's last jump. Love you all.

Blessed be...

Ciels-
Michele

~Do Angels keep the dreams we seek
While our hearts lie bleeding?~

[12bhi 0]

Speechless

[Squeak 17]

Too Cool Chook nicely done

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[freefalle 0]

May the blessing of the lord be upon you, the blessing of our father and his son, may the spirit of Rob, the spirit that lives be with you all your days.

I wish you peace

[DeNReN 0]

Quote

Speechless

Only a skydiver could ever get a send off like that.....well done!!!

[hooked 0]

I too, am speechless. Michele, you are a very special lady.

J

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Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[lewmonst 0]

Just though I'd add some photos of Bob landing from his Tandem and the family and friends of Rob.

I can't think of a more fitting way for Mr. Tonnesen to connect with his son one last time.


peace
lew

http://www.exitshot.com

[skybytch 259]

Quote

Speechless

Yeah. Me too.

What an awesome thing you all did for Rob and his family.

[mouth 0]

Does crying count in speechless?

Beautifully done Michelle.

--
Hot Mama
At least you know where you stand even if it is in a pile of shit.

[hooked 0]

Quote

Does crying count in speechless?

Beautifully done Michelle.

Yes, I think so, or it should count.

J

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Sometimes we're just being Humans.....But we're always Human Beings.

[ladyskydiver 0]

Awesome! Wonderfully done.

Life is short! Break the rules! Forgive quickly! Kiss slowly! Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret anything that made you smile.

[mujie96 0]

Thanks to the Elsinore people for all their support and help.

Thanks to Michele and Lisa and CB for their unending patience, compassion and warmth; to Betsy Barnhouse for dispatching the .com rescue squad to a fairly hysterical me at a moments notice in the wee hours of the morning.

Thanks to SakiBomb for jumping with me, special thanks to Leon for his help with the release.

Thanks to everyone who sent an email, PM, vibe or hug my way and a thought Rob's way.
Lots of love to all his friends, family and I suppose even most of his ex-girlfriends (sorry Michele, I couldn't resist). Vibes and prayers for his two kids.

And of course, thanks to Rob for changing my life forever with his love. I love you man!!!!

Just keep swimming...just keep swimming....

[Kramer 0]

Quote

Speechless

The FAKE KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMER!!!!!!!!!

[skybytch 259]

btw, beers were lifted in Rob's honor here at Sebastian on Saturday night. Several people here hadn't heard that he'd left us. Several people who didn't know him joined in toasting his last jumps - within hours of you guys doing them.

Jess - {{{{hugs}}}}

[katiebear21 0]

Thanks for the detailed description of the day's events. I feel like I was there. Your organization on the ground obviously made it a special event for all.

I too am teary-eyed and speechless. Please give Jess a big hug from me next time you see her and collect one for yourself.

Katie

Katie
Get your PMS glass necklace here

[kimgriffin 0]

Thank you, Michele, for sharing that emotion filled day with us in such a beautiful way.

I'm so happy for Rob's Dad, his friends and Jessica that they got to share the sky with Rob one last time. I'm sure his ash dive and memorial will help many begin to heal.

I'm grateful to God that Rob is in peace and filled with love.

~Kim Griffin
DeLand, Fla.

-Kimberly Griffin

[kai2k1 0]

WOW!!!

Michele, I didnt even know him and now I have tears streaming down my face. Great job. Yes, now the healing can begin.

There's no truer sense of flying than sky diving," Scott Cowan

[turtlespeed 212]

As always Michele, you bring the feelings out in ways I cannot describe.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[Clownburner 0]

Michele,

You did a wonderful job organizing everything, and it turned out better than anyone could expect. I am deeply honored that I was able to participate and help with Rob's last sendoff.

7CP#1 | BTR#2 | Payaso en fuego Rodriguez
"I want hot chicks in my boobies!"- McBeth

[sinker 0]

We all knew you'd be successful at pulling this off, Minele... and as always, your write up brought us right there with all of you. As with some of the others here, I couldn't help but cry at the wonderful healing event that occurred. I'm so very proud of you for helping Rob's family, Mujie, and the rest. Big hugs girl! Job WELL done indeed!!!

-the artist formerly known as sinker

[Darius11 12]

My deepest condolences.
Even with that fact that I don’t know any one of the people involved. I am deeply touched. I have tears in my eyes and I am so sad and happy at the same time. RIP
We all go up to haven and fall away the last jump we fall the other way and finally make it home.
Love and peace

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not." - Kurt Cobain

[jceman 1]

Thank you.

[mfrese 0]

Rob was a great guy, and deserved a great sendoff. Thanks for bringing it to life for us, Michele.

Blue Ones,

Iceman

Doctor I ain't gonna die,
Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash

[moodyskydiver 0]

Michele, that was truely touching. I feel like I'm about to cry yet I never knew Rob. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone involved.

"...just an earthbound misfit, I."

[diablopilot 2]

Again, thank you.

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You're not as good as you think you are. Seriously.