Ragnarok 0 #51 March 30, 2006 This one ckick, she told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt....... So I fucked her three times and punched her in the face._________________________________________ Twin Otter N203-Echo,29 July 2006 Cessna P206 N2537X, 19 April 2008 Blue Skies Forever Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ACMESkydiver 0 #52 March 30, 2006 QuoteA frog goes into a bank and applies for a loan with Mrs. Patty Whack who is the loan officer. She asks the frog if he has any kind of collateral to secure the loan. He pulls out this little glass trinket and gives it to her. She doesn't know what it is so she goes and asks the bank president what it is. The President looks at it and say's "It's a knick-knack Patty Whack, give the frog a loan" I LOVE that joke!! I used to be a banker! ~Jaye Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #53 March 30, 2006 A guy walks into a bar carrying a set of jumper cables. Bartender stares at him hard and says "Okay buddy, don't start anything." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
boinky 0 #54 March 30, 2006 Q: How do you stop a rooster from crowing Monday morning? A: Eat him on Sunday.Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
boinky 0 #55 March 30, 2006 My neighbor`s young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickel. He was rushed to the hospital. The next day I asked my neighbor how his son was doing, and he replied,"No change yet".Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
boinky 0 #56 March 30, 2006 Q: Where did Noah keep his bees? A: In the ark hives.Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
freeflysteve 0 #57 March 30, 2006 Q How do you get a fat woman into bed? A Piece of cakeSwooping, huh? I love that stuff ... all the flashing lights and wailing sirens ... it's very exciting! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skykittykat 0 #58 March 30, 2006 QuoteI need some entertaining and I need to memorize some new lame jokes for my repertoire. Please help me? What's brown and sticky? A STICK, Sad, I know... Liz Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
usedtajump 1 #59 March 30, 2006 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."The older I get the less I care who I piss off. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shropshire 0 #60 March 30, 2006 A man walks into a chemist and asks for a deoderant... Chemist : Ball or aerosole? Man : Neither, it's for my armpits..... . (.)Y(.) Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,169 #61 March 30, 2006 Oh yeah; another, not as lame as the last one A woman was driving down the road when she saw an old lady hitchiking and picked her up. As the old lady gets in the car, the driver puts a bottle of wine that had been in the passenger seat on the floor. The old lady asks "What kind of wine was that?" The driver sayd "A nice Merlot; I got it for my husband." The old lady says "Good trade." This joke works for any gender or species Wendy W.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
goofyjumper 0 #62 March 30, 2006 Q: What did one mushroom say to the other? A: Hey your a Funguy!----------------- I love and Miss you so much Honey! Orfun #3 ~ Darla Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #63 March 30, 2006 QuoteI used to date this midget. I was nuts over her. Did she ever go up on you? Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
steveorino 7 #64 March 30, 2006 From Steven Wright: Black holes are where God divided by zero. Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I was once walking through the forest, alone, and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn’t hear it. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, “What for?” Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost. I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?” I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included... So I had to buy ’em again I used to work for the factory where they make hydrants, but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day ’cause that means it’s gonna be up all night. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me; I’m afraid of widths. I have a microwave fireplace. I can lie down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes. I broke a mirror in my house, I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper. I spilled spot remover on my dog, now he’s gone. Women: can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect. OK, so what’s the speed of dark? Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I lost a buttonhole... I met her at Macy’s. She was shopping... I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses. On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs. In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.... When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Sponges grow in the ocean ... that kills me. I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen. I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, “Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?” So I said, “Oh, that’s OK, I’m not going that far.” I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety.” I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.” I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot. When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.” I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast. I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row.” [Referring to a glass of water]: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody! I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it. My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.” My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. A metaphor is like a simile. I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don't know how.” She said, “It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.” steveOrino Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #65 March 30, 2006 A skeleton walks into a bar & says, "I'll have a beer....and a mop!" Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lawrocket 3 #66 March 30, 2006 What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse. My wife is hotter than your wife. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
NWFlyer 2 #67 March 30, 2006 A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast." ************* A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news." "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
turtlespeed 212 #68 March 30, 2006 QuoteA turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast." Well - It DID! Fukn guys were quick - lemme tell ya!I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ntrprnr 0 #69 March 31, 2006 Guy comes running home - Honey! I won the lottery! Pack your bags! Woman replies - Oh, that's wonderful! Should I pack for warm or cold? Man says "I don't give a fuck! Just be gone in 20 minutes."_______________ "Why'd you track away at 7,000 feet?" "Even in freefall, I have commitment issues." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kai2k1 0 #70 March 31, 2006 Heard this one on the radio yesterday.... Worlds shortest joke..... Baby seal runs into a club..... There's no truer sense of flying than sky diving," Scott Cowan Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
karenmeal 0 #71 March 31, 2006 Any more lame jokes? Please? A lot of these are perfect, just what I was looking for. Here is one of my lame jokes: So this man hears a teeny tiny knock on his door one day. He goes to answer it, looks around, sees no one there. He glances down at the door step and sees a snail sitting there. So the guy picks up the snail and chucks out into his yard. Three years later he hears the same little knock on his door. He looks around, nobody is there. He looks down and sees a snail. The snail looks up at him and says, "Hey, what the fuck was that all about?" "Life is a temporary victory over the causes which induce death." - Sylvester Graham Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Broke 0 #72 March 31, 2006 So there is this penguin. He's driving his car around, and it is a particullarly hot day. He has his A/C going full blast. His car is so cold you could sell frozen food out of it. After a while he notices his car is getting warmer and warmer inside of it, so he pulls into the nearest mechanics shop. He tells the mechanic about his problem and asks if his can can be done quickly. The mechanic agrees to do it quickly. While the penguin is waiting he notices an ice cream shop across the street. So he waddles across the street and orders a huge vanilla ice cream cone. Now of course being a penguin he has no hands so he just dives into this cone eating it in a very messy manor. After he is done eating the ice cream he is covered with it. He waddles over to shop to inquire about how his car is coming along. The mechanic said, "Well I figured out your problem. You blew a seal." To this the penguin replied, "IT WAS ONLY ICE CREAM!!!"Divot your source for all things Hillbilly. Anvil Brother 84 SCR 14192 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shropshire 0 #73 March 31, 2006 Cowboy Roy Rogers has just bought some swanky boots. That night, goes to settle his horse Trigger down for the night and steps in some horse shit. So he's not allowed back in the house and has to leave them on the porch. After he goes back in-doors for his dinner a cougar steals them and heads for the hills. Roy sees the cougar running off with his boots and calls a ranch-hand to give chase. A couple of hours later, the lad comes back, dragging the dead beast and carrying the messed up boots. He calls at the house and calls out to the occupants..... "Pardon me Roy is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?" (.)Y(.) Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jayruss 0 #74 March 31, 2006 What did the one burp say to the other? If we are quite we can sneak out the other end __________________________________________________ "Beware how you take away hope from another human being." -Oliver Wendell Holmes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedRacer 1 #75 April 1, 2006 Two flies are eating a piece of shit. One of the flies farts. The other fly says, "Do you mind???? I'm trying to eat here!!" Speed Racer -------------------------------------------------- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
