What's your best insult?

[dropdeded 0]

I dont know if it qualifies as an insult or not but someone once told me to "Eat a dick", then turned back and said "Fuck that, eat a whole bowl of dicks asshole"

dropdeded

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The Dude Abides.
-

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Quote

I like when someone farts and you say "smells like vasoline".

DOH!!!

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[aprilcat 0]

Man..that would have made ME cry...

I have 2:

'What a waste of groceries' and 'You're just a shitstain on the panties of Life'

But I'm a New Yorker. The best will change tomorrow..

Camelot II, the Electric Boogaloo!

[juanesky 0]

I've heard this once:

"who said turd for you to show up?"

Well, after all you a female dog...

"According to some of the conservatives here, it sounds like it's fine to beat your wide - as long as she had it coming." -Billvon

[TitaniumLegs 8]

Living proof that there is life after abortion.

Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

(>o|-<

If you don't believe me, ask me.

[nigel99 144]

May a 1000 camels fertilise your lawn!!

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[nacmacfeegle 0]

I hope your next shite is a hedgehog.

--------------------

He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. Thomas Jefferson

[Unstable 8]

Quote

I hope your next shite is a hedgehog

ouch.................Thats not funny dude, some people REALLY do shit hedgehogs..............

=========Shaun ==========

[mr2mk1g 10]

how about:

“truffle hunting swamp donkey” (followed by imitation braying sounds)
or
an ugly person is a “hippocrockopig”
or
a nice threats are “drag you into the woods and set fire to you”
or
“rip off your leg and beat you with the soggy end”
or
“eat your first born”

(no honestly Im not disturbed… I have this certificate see)

[yardhippie 0]

you could fuck up an anvil with a feather duster

your dumber than a box of rocks

if someone says "fuck you"
reply: no thanks you'd just be confused, and I'd be bored.

Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD
"What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me
"Anything you want." ~ female skydiver
Mohoso Rodriguez #865

[kerouhak 0]

mine is ..

"your'e just a scab on a rats c@@k"

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/\/\/\/\
Do I see you laughin?
My doggy he don't like people laughin
Gets to figurin, they're laughin at him

[TheBile 0]

1) "How's your wife and my kids."
2) "Why don't you go stick your nuts in a microwave."
3) "What does the metal detector detect first ? The lead up your ass or the shit in your brains ?"
4) "Your colder than your mama's bed."
5) "God broke the mould BEFORE he made you. That's why you look like shit."
6) 'Scuse me, are you Michael Jackson ?

Gerb

I stir feelings in others they themselves don't understand. KA'CHOW !

[WrongWay 0]

Ya know, it's hard to believe that of thousands of sperm, YOU were the one that made it.

I'll beat you like your mama did!!

I'd love to see it from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Dumb kid, apparently fast swimmer. (see first one if you dont get this)

This guy couldn't pass an IQ test.

Call me when your IQ hits triple digits.

Wrong Way
D #27371 Mal Manera Rodriguez Cajun Chicken Ø Hellfish #451
The wiser wolf prevails.

[my_dog_steve 0]

"Save your breath. You'll need it to inflate your date."

[Dumpster 0]

Quote

1) "How's your wife and my kids."

Love that one! I actually got to use it, sort of -
When speaking to my ex-wifes' boyfriend - "How's your girlfriend and my kids?"
Totally speachless.

"Shithook!"

"You don't know your ass from a hole in the ground."

"Your ass sucks air."

One of my favorites -

"Go suck an egg."

[MikeMcLean 0]

I have highlighted some of my favorite passages

THE INSULT FILE VERSION 6.10

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we
say in Texas, you couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions
printed on the heel. You are a canker, an open wound. I would rather
kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in
the Islets of Langerhans.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little
worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell?

You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late.

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting
to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a
nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able
to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude
oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou.

You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than
you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short
of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few
chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God created houseflies, cockroaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks, slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his
standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You
are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred
trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid,
nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an
ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together. You should be promoted to Engineering Manager.

Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be
read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your
tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001
worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big
W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to
trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order
to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no
normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the
sewers in search of your git.

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and
obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living
emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a
loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toesucker. You make
Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0
mind in a version 6.10 world. Your mother had to tie a pork chop
around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You think that
HTTP://WWW.GUYMACON.COM/INSULT/ is the name of a rock band. You
believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who ever lived. You
would rather read L. Ron Hubbard than Larry Niven. Hee-Haw is too deep
for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates
would let you.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are
deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of
wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted.
Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you.
Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source
of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous
galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother
opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your
way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs
out from under the porch and bites you.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock.
You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted
boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You
gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clotpole
ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered
bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You
dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your
spouse be blessed with many bastards.

You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself
in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny
clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a
clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature;
_Battlefield_Earth_ and _Moron_Movies_II_. You would be out of focus.

You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You
are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel.
You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You
are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that
you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go
away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make
it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which
became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair.

It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone
that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled
far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid.
Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to
a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium.
Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid.
Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one
minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot
be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid.
This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure
extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws
of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of
stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while.
I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic
opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other
drivel. Duh.

The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped
away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't
really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was
pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a
load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after
you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more
success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal"
people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering.
But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this
world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this
was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to
what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like
parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the
emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a
demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful,
cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable,
belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal,
fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic,
brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame,
self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent,
libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid,
illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking,
devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic,
fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased,
suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim,
crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim,
unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive,
mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive,
abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good.

I hope this helps...



ABOUT THE INSULT FILE::

This document is a collection of insults gathered from many years of
BBS and Usenet use, so the real credit goes to the many fine flamers
who have had their work added to this document over the years. I am
but an editor who has gathered the works of others into one document.

When I started writing this file, I had no idea that it would become
so popular. I just wanted a humorous way to defuse the kind of
arguments BBS users sometimes get into. A Monty Python skit about
people complaining about how bad they had it while growing up inspired
me to put it together an insult file. Whenever I found a couple of
people online trading nasty insults, I posted the insult file with the
question "Do I Win?" at the bottom. This often resulted in the flame
war dissolving into laughter.

In the years since then, I have refined it and improved the quality of
the insults, but most of the credit is not mine; the real authors are
the scores of flamers who have contributed insults to the file.


HOW TO USE:

For full effect, I *strongly* advise using the full insult file. Yes,
I know that it goes on and on. That's what makes it funny. Trust me on
this one. One insult is insulting. A *bunch* of insults are funny!


PERMISSIONS:

You are free to use this for any purpose, including web pages,
newsgroup posts, emails, and letters to the Los Angeles Times. I do
*not* require you to give me credit if you use this in an email or
newsgroup post - it is more effective without it. Just cut and past it
as is, tell anybody who asks where you got it, and refer them to this
paragraph if they think you stole it. I would prefer credit if you put
this on your web page, but feel free to ignore that preference if the
page works better that way. I would appreciate it of you don't remove
the hidden reference to the web page URL and version number - that's
how my fellow DNRC members know they have the latest version.


CREDITS:

I tried to make a list of who the original author of each bit was, but
I keep running into cases where more than one person claimed to be the
original author. In some cases I have found that the supposed original
author stole it himself. The best way to solve this is to do a web and
newsgroup search on any phrase that you are particularly interested in,
and look for the earliest published occurrence.


LATEST VERSION:

Now that the file has become popular, there are many hacked-up and
outdated versions of it floating around the 'Net. If you see one,
please let people know that they can always find the latest version
here

It wouldn't hurt you to think like a fucking serial killer every once in a while - just for the sake of prevention

[DrAvalanche 0]

A.J Rimmers "your filthy piece of distended rectum" is still the best.

"We Are The Light At The End Of Your Sorry Little Tunnel"

[mr2mk1g 10]

HEY... No personal attacks in the forums.

[Nick 0]

Not sure if this one has been mentioned before but I can't be bothered to look (sure ivan will tell me if it has ) but mine is:

"If you had children they'd be a step back in evolution".

Nick
Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

[airgord 1]

"You land like a girl" (if the reader is a girl, not you.)

"You will make a great organ donor" (if you are an organ donor, not you.)

"A waste of perfectly good skin"

" You must have dove into the shallow end of the gene pool"

[Dumpster 0]

"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards."

[samhussey 0]

"A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Its a bloody good thing they didn't waste one on you."

[airdweller 0]

how about

"why don't you suck my dick while I shit"

------------------------------------------------------
"From the mightiest pharaoh to the lowliest peasant,
who doesn't enjoy a good sit?" C. Montgomery Burns

[ACMESkydiver 0]

Quote

I'd love to see it from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

...just beautiful, man! Gawd I'm going to start using this one often...

-and Dumpster you have a wonderfully offensive mind as well.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[fool 0]

"Your girlfriend told me she insists you wear a condom. She said she likes the extra width."

"You know what's orange and would look good on you? Fire"


best comeback to an insult I have... "what's that? no, really, I didn't catch it" once you convince them to repeat it... "Oh, sorry, I thought you said something intelligent."

S.E.X. party #1

"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "f*#k, what a ride".