Post your funniest/corniest/worst jokes & one-liners!

[npgraphicdesign 2]

Let's hear some jokes...i see nothing but tumbleweeds rolling through here......so post your jokes, and everyone else will determine whether they are the funniest, corniest or just bad!

My contributions...
1. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
2. What if you get scared half to death, twice?
3. Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks him 'Would you like a drink?' Descartes says 'I think not...' and poof! he disappears.

[Shell666 0]

There are two snowmen standing in a snowy field, one snowman turns to the other and says "that's funny, I smell carrots too."

'Shell

[krabberkris 1]

A "homotron" is a queer Electron that runs around blowing fuses.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

2 peanuts walk into a bar.

One was assaulted!


I'm here all week! Try the veal!!

Always be kinder than you feel.

[quade 3]

Guy walks into a bar and says, "ouch."

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[BillyVance 34]

hearing friend: 'Are you fucking deaf?'
me: 'YES! I'm FUCKING DEAF!'

true life imitating a movie, I shit you not.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[downwardspiral 0]

Why don't blondes like vibrators?

www.FourWheelerHB.com

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Quote

Why don't blondes like vibrators?

Let me guess.... something about chipping her teeth?

Always be kinder than you feel.

[airathanas 0]

Me: Knock knock

You: Who's there?

Me: Interrupting cow

You: Interruptin...
Me: MOOOO!!

http://3ringnecklace.com/

[gonzalesna 0]

Did you hear the one about the midget that tried to jump the grand canyon?

He fell short.

[cricket chirping][/cricket chirping]

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.

[airdvr 198]

What does sex and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?







































Once you're done with the breasts and thighs all you have left is a smelly box.

Please don't dent the planet.

Destinations by Roxanne

[ChibiKuma 0]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says ''My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.''

The second woman says, ''My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.''

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ''My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it.''

TPM #131
People are just as the stars....there are bright ones and there are those that are dim.

[jonstark 8]

A couple of old Jewish men are walking down the street. One asks the other "What's all the hubbub about herpes?" The other answers, "How should I know? It's a disease of the gentiles."

[No_Phear 0]

Why does a dog lick his balls?













Because he knows he's going to lick your face when he's done.

Tact is not my specialty.....

Dirty Sanchez #453

[TheBachelor 5]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this a joke?"

There are battered women? I've been eating 'em plain all of these years...

[Carrapeta 0]

(while flexing arms)
Anyone know a good Vet?

Cuz these pythons are Siiiiick bud!!!

If your gonna be dumb ya gotta be tough.

Your mom goes HandHeld

[keithbar 1]

I have a few really sick ethopian jokes from years ago about the famine. what do you call an ethopian with 3 dogs ,, a rancher. what do ethopians call venetian blinds,,, bunk beds. who's messurements are 12. 12. 12? ,, miss ethopia

i have on occasion been accused of pulling low . My response. Naw I wasn't low I'm just such a big guy I look closer than I really am .

[No_Phear 0]

Quote from Adam, the first man on earth:

'In my day, I used to call it getting a piece of 'rib'.

Tact is not my specialty.....

Dirty Sanchez #453

[gonzalesna 0]

Quote

Quote from Adam, the first man on earth:

'In my day, I used to call it getting a piece of 'rib'.

Wonder if Twardo calls it that too...

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.

[JohnMitchell 14]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To show the possum it could be done.

[pyrodude 0]

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[DavidB 0]

What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a pool?






























Bob

When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

[selbbub78 0]

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone




What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts



Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities




What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes




What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife




Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism




Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends




What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you




Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls




What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside




What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“Are you sure it's mine”




Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you




Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

Everyone has the same DNA




Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it




Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar




Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him “Sum Ting Wong”


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe




How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time” and a southern fairytale begins “Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit”

"Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" – Sharon Stone
"The world is my dropzone" (wise crewdog quote)
"The light dims, until full darkness pierces into the world."-KDM

[Squeak 17]

Quote

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag

Worth repeating

Hi Mark

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[FlyingJ 0]

What's the best way to stop a clown from laughing? Hit him in the face with an axe.

Killing threads since 2004.