JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[Faicon9493 82]

A man woke up one morning with a terrible toothache. His wife said, "You need to get to the dentist right away!" The man said, "No! I'm afraid of dentists." By the middle of the day, the pain was so bad that he went to the dentist anyway. When he got to the dentist, the dentist took X-rays and told the man, "That tooth is really bad. It's got to come out right now!" He picked up a syringe with Novocain and the man screamed, "No needles! I'm scared of needles!" The dentist said Ok and picked up a cannula to give the man nitrous oxide. The man screamed again and said, "No! if something is over my mouth or nose, I'll feel like I'm going to suffocate!" The dentist said, "Can you handle pills?" The man said, "Yes." The dentist left the room for a minute and came back with two pills. He gave the pills to the man and said, "Take this Viagra." The man took the pills and said, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra was also for pain." The dentist said, "It's not.....but it'll give you something to hang on to when I pull that tooth!

[johnhking1 41]

9 hours ago, Faicon9493 said:

A man woke up one morning with a terrible toothache. His wife said, "You need to get to the dentist right away!" The man said, "No! I'm afraid of dentists." By the middle of the day, the pain was so bad that he went to the dentist anyway. When he got to the dentist, the dentist took X-rays and told the man, "That tooth is really bad. It's got to come out right now!" He picked up a syringe with Novocain and the man screamed, "No needles! I'm scared of needles!" The dentist said Ok and picked up a cannula to give the man nitrous oxide. The man screamed again and said, "No! if something is over my mouth or nose, I'll feel like I'm going to suffocate!" The dentist said, "Can you handle pills?" The man said, "Yes." The dentist left the room for a minute and came back with two pills. He gave the pills to the man and said, "Take this Viagra." The man took the pills and said, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra was also for pain." The dentist said, "It's not.....but it'll give you something to hang on to when I pull that tooth!

So the dentist said, "I can pull it with no Novocain, the pain shouldn't be too bad."  He quietly said to the dental assistant, when I pull the tooth, jab him in the ass with this needle.  The dentist grabs ahold of the tooth and as he gives it a yank, the dental assistant gives him a jab.  After the tooth is out, the dentist asks the man, "that didn't hurt too bad did it" the man said no but I didn't know the root went that deep".

[johnhking1 41]

On 4/6/2023 at 11:30 AM, johnhking1 said:

So the dentist said, "I can pull it with no Novocain, the pain shouldn't be too bad."  He quietly said to the dental assistant, when I pull the tooth, jab him in the ass with this needle.  The dentist grabs ahold of the tooth and as he gives it a yank, the dental assistant gives him a jab.  After the tooth is out, the dentist asks the man, "that didn't hurt too bad did it" the man said no but I didn't know the root went that deep".

So the woman says, "I hate to have my cavity filled, the drilling is so painful, I would just as soon have a baby".  The dentist says, "well make up your mind lady, I have to adjust the chair".

[lippy 457]

A man walks into a library and approaches the service desk:

[Man]: "Hi There, I'm looking for a newly released book about living with a small penis."

[Librarian] (whispering): "I don't know if it's in yet."

[Man]: "Yeah, that's the one."

[Divalent 76]

If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ...

... try skydiving without a parachute.

 

[johnhking1 41]

13 hours ago, Divalent said:

If you want a once-in-a-lifetime thrill, ...

... try skydiving without a parachute.

 

Would that be considered terminal velocity?

[Faicon9493 82]

The Mother Superior called a meeting of the nuns in the convent and said, “Today is the day we paint all the rooms in the convent. I have paired you up and given you all a designated room to paint. Just be careful to not get paint on your habits.”

Two of the nuns went to their assigned room and one nun said, “How are we going to do this without getting paint on our habits?” The other nun said, “Well, since it’s just us in the room, I suggest we paint naked.” The other nun agreed and they took off their habits and started painting.

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door and a man’s voice said, “Blind man!” The nuns froze and stared at each other. Once again, a man’s voice said, “Blind man!”

One nun said to the other, “He said he was blind. What harm could it do.” She walked to the door naked and opened it. The man yelled, “Wow! God is good! Now…..where do you want these blinds?”

 

[wolfriverjoe 1,094]

Jack and his wife plan a safari to Africa.

Because his wife's mother had never been to Africa, they decide, despite Jack's misgivings, to include her on the trip.

The trip goes quite well and all three are having a good time, enjoying all the sights and all the wild animals.

One morning, Jack and his wife wake up to find her mother not there.

Concerned, they go out and start looking for her. 
Walking along the trail, they come to a clearing only to find the mother-in-law face to face with a very large lion.

Jack's wife is very afraid and tells Jack:

"Do something!!!!"

Jack looks the situation over carefully and thinks for a few seconds.

"Nope" he says, "That lion got himself into that predicament, he can get himself out"

[Divalent 76]

I got a motorcycle for my wife last week.

Best. Trade. Ever!

[kaustik 2]

Remember when skydiving was safe, sex was dangerous and this website was heavily trafficked?  

Good times.  =]

[Divalent 76]

Two old friends, Ned and John, lived for baseball. Then one day, John died, leaving Ned inconsolable. A few weeks later, Ned heard someone calling his name. He looked up. Standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Ned,” John called down, “I have good news and bad. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!”

“Great,” said Ned. “What’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Sunday.”

[Divalent 76]

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.

I told him it is between 1 and 5 pm.

[Divalent 76]

To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.