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After our team-mate died (cancer) a bunch of us POPS got into the habit or meeting at this grave on the anniversary of his birthday. We'd bring a bottle of wine, share stories and sing bawdy songs around his tomb-stone. Every so often we we'd fill our wine glasses and toast our dear departed jump buddies. We always filled an extra glass with wine and poured it on the grass over Old Bill's grave.

After a few rounds, Old Fred said "Old Bill hasn't changed a bit, He's still a fast drinker!"

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Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime.

Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired skydivers. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.

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A man and woman are having a quiet and romantic dinner at a fine restaurant.they lovingly staring at each other and holding hands. A waitress serving another table notices that the lady is starting to slip down her chair and below the table, while the man stares straight ahead. The waitress now realises that the woman has completely disappeared under the table and out of sight. Thinking that this behaviour is risque and worried what other customers might think, she approaches the table and tactfully says to the man, Excuse me Sir, it appears that your wife has slipped under the table!

The man looks up at the waitress and says, no she hasn't, she just fucking walked in!!! 

Edited by irishrigger

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What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?
She’s got small tits.

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A cougar went into a bar in Austin, Texas, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest boots she had ever seen.
The older lady asked the man " is it true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed?".
The man grinned and said..
"Sure is little lady why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?".
The lady considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him $100 bill.  Blushing he said
"Well thank you, I'm really flattered...no one has ever paid me for my 'services' before!".
"Don't be flattered" she replied. "Take the money and buy yourself boots that fit ".

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A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...

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A man boards and airplane and sits next to an attractive woman. 

After a couple of minutes, the woman sneezes, and rather than wipe her nose with her tissue, she instead reaches between her legs and wipes her vagina.

The man is initially too embarrassed to say anything, but after the third time witnessing this, he quietly leans over and asks, "Is everything alright?"

The woman looks at him at says, "I'm sorry, but I have a rare condition that whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 

"Whoa!" the man exclaims, "That's pretty serious. What do you take for it?"

The woman replies, "Pepper."

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