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BIGUN, December 20, 2008 in The Bonfire
On 10/13/2022 at 9:14 PM, headoverheels said:
A joke only understood by computer programmers.
Now that many of our neighbors are installing sculptures of ghosts and goblins on their front lawns in preparation for Halloween, I suggested to my landlord that we install a similar scary statue on our front law. I suggested installing a statute of a lawyer.
My landlord was ^%$#@! furious until I promised to only include the images of the lawyers that I admire and respect.
I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.
Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.
A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
Q: how do you stop canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
A: you take away their little brooms
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she wasinstantly attracted to him…… and during her questions about his life, she askedhim if he had ever had sex.“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.Jane explained to him what it was.Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk oftree.”Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, butI will show you how to do it properly.”She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You mustput it in here.”Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane hisconsiderable manhood, stepped closer to her andkicked her right in the crotch!Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like aneternity.Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed,“What did you do that for?!”Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”
I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".
How come married women are heavier than single women?
A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.
As our doctor was performing a simple medical procedure on my wife, he warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."
"Did you hear that?" she asked me. "No sex for three days."
"I heard," I said. "But he was speaking to you."
Q: What do you call a constipated detective?
A: NoShit Sherlock
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.
Doctor: “Okay Steve, this is your first prostate exam. Just stay calm and try not to get an erection”
Patient: “Ummm… Doc, my name is Brian”
Doctor: “Yeah sorry, my name is Steve”
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