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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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A woman gets cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life but then she hears that there’s a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and she decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top of the mountain and meets the wise monk, telling him, “I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me for a younger woman. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”.

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks her, “Is the cookie delicious?”

“Yes,” she replies.

“Do you want another one?”

“Sure, please.”

The monk looks her in the eyes and says, “Do you see the problem now?”

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that.”

The monk shakes his head, “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less.”

 

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney says "He said...Go to hell! And you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

 

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Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar late one night.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.  The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. 
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud guy. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training.

His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.
"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.

"What happened?", his buddy asked.
"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line.
We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."

"What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.
"Well the jump sargeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"

"Did you jump?"
"Well, a little at first."

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A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"

The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says.

"Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. 

Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband.

"What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"
 

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A man and a woman are sharing an elevator down.  The woman in a good mood greets the man, “hi there, did you donate your blood for $50 too?” The man looked at her and responded “no, I’m here donating sperm and got $100 for it.”  The woman’s smile vanished and she left the elevator irritated.

 

A few weeks later the same man and woman run into each other on the same elevator. The man looks at her and says “Are you donating more blood today?”  She immediately looked at him, and with her mouth full and unable to talk, shakes her head no.

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A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence!" said the woman next to him, "I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence!" the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence!" she said.

 

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the follow up:

a tourist fell asleep on a European beach and didn’t realize it was a clothing-optional beach. He woke up, and a older man next to him was asleep, and naked, with a book next to him in the sand., He took the book and put it over the man’s groin, thinking he’d be arrested for public nudity. Instead the young man was arrested, and happened to be tried by the same older man, who said not to cover a judge by his book.

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After 2 years of dating, my girlfriend and I decided to get married.

My girlfiend is a dream, and my parents and all my my friends said it’s a great idea.

But there is something that bothers me: her 20 year old little sister, my future sister-in-law. 
She definitely is hot, always wearing super skinny mini skirts and short blouses. And it always seemed like she was putting on a show for me, leaning over in a way that was easy for me to glance up her skirt. (She never did that in front of someone else.)

One day she called and asked me to stop by to see the wedding invitations. When I arrived she was alone.

She whispered that soon I will be married, and that she has had feelings for me for a long time and that she thinks she can’t overcome them. She said she desperately wants to have sex with me just once before I marry her sister.

I was shocked and couldn't say a word. She said she is going up to her bedroom, asked if I wanted to go up with her. I froze and looked at her as she was going up the stairs. Half way up she took off her panties and tossed them to me.

I stayed there for a moment and then ran to the door. I opened it and I went to my car.

My future father-in-law was standing by my car, and with tears in his eyes he hugged me and said: "I’m glad you passed this little test and I am sure that my daughter could not find a better man. Welcome to the family, my son!"

And so the moral of the story is this: always keep your condoms in your car.

 

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A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks.
Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman.  "What about your hook"?
"Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman.  "How did you get the eye patch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

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A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie."

The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"

Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed."
 

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With Queen Elizabeth's passing, I am reminded that she had a sense of humor. I remember a video she did with the actor Daniel Craig. In the video, he's in the role of James Bond and him and the Queen are walking down a hall in the palace. He says, "And what of Donald Trump, ma'am?" Without stopping or turning her head, she said, "Make it look like an accident, 007."

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”

Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”

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My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" I asked her.

She thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Angelina Jolie".

"In that case," I said, "I'll play myself."

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A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you’re just lazy."

The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

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Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bash the casket into the door frame. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the woman inside still alive!

She leaps out and performs a little jig. Everyone is in shock, including her husband. She went on to live another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers were carrying out the casket.

As they are heading toward the door of the church, the husband of the deceased rushes forward and shouts, "WATCH THE DOOR FRAME!"
 

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